Advice Needed on Husband

[Pantal1985]

At the weekend I went out with a male friend (who I've been friends with for years) with mine and his children for a day at the seaside. I invited my husband who declined but didn't tell me it was a problem. It was! He ignored me all weekend and told me I'd made him feel embarrassed that I was out with another man and what was he supposed to tell his family. I explained that I didn't know he felt this way and I was sorry if he was embarrassed but he needs to be open with me as I wasn't aware that was how he felt. It all escalated yesterday and he got so angry that he was screaming that I'm "selfish" "a fu@@@@g bitch" "all I care about are my friends" and telling me to "get out of my fu@@@@g house". Then he was punching his desk and picked up an office chair and threw it across the room (not at me by the way). I packed my bags but then he said that if I left it would escalate the situation and we had a bit of a talk. He said that I should have given him a week to calm down (rather than pushing it after 3 days) and then basically said if I was to leave with our son he'd kill himself as he couldn't cope being a part time dad.
Now I'm left not knowing what to do? He refuses to see a counsellor (either relationship or one to help with his anger management) but I'm terrified of leaving in case he does something stupid and I know he'll make things as difficult as possible for me even at the expense of our son as he's said that in the past. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

He is blackmailing you to stay.
Take your son and get yourselves safe.

He is not your responsibility.

Get the hell out of there!! Who’s name is the house in?

Leave. Better that he kill himself (though he won’t) than that he kill you or your son (which is more likely).

He’s an abusive piece of shit, take the kids and run.

Let's call this what it was - a violent, jealous rage designed to control you. You'll never go out with that guy again, will you?

Do you want to be with someone who has violent, jealous rages and uses suicide as a threat to control your behaviour.

That's a yes/no answer.

You do know what to do. Your poor kid having to put up with that.

The SECOND they threaten suicide is the time to end it, not even without the other stuff. That is not your responsibility.

It's time to leave.

Classic abusive tactic of emotional manipulation, threatening to kill himself and using your son to gain power over you. This is a really abusive man I'm afraid, and you need to make your plans to leave him. Sorry he's put you through this.

It all depends on how you want to live your life.

In fear? On eggshells? Doing as you're told? Risking his wrath?

Or peacefully? Normally? In a team? With joy and happiness?

It also depends on what you want to model to your son?

That angry, rage filled outbursts are normal?

Or do you want to show him that partners are kind and respectful to one another? Who can disagree and talk things through without violence?

You stay, you get option 1. You leave, you get option 2.

What to do is get your children away from a man who has just shown himself to be violent, controlling and aggressive. You are doing them no favours by staying, not only is it potentially endangering them but witnessing domestic violence is incredibly traumatic for children and has a huge long-term impact on them. By staying your also normalising this kind of behaviour for them so they are more likely to either accept it or demonstrate it themselves with future partners. Get out for their sake.

What the other respondents have written.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

AM courses are NO answer to domestic violence which is what you are describing here. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. He feels absolutely entitled to act as he does and he also thinks he is doing nothing wrong here re you. Its absolutely no point either in doing joint counselling with him and that is not recommended anyway when there is abuse within the relationship.

Your H is abusive and he has employed many of the usual tactics such men use on their chosen target. All of that including the threat of suicide is done to keep you in line. Abusive men also remain abusive post separation too; that is their normal way of behaving. Men like this too hate women, ALL of them.

You have a choice re this man; your child does not. Your son cannot afford to grow up thinking and believing that men treat women like this. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

Look up the Freedom Program, OP. You need to get yourself and your child safe.

Wow thank you all so much for your responses! I agree with all of you and that's everything that's in my mind but he had me second guessing myself and thinking maybe I was being unreasonable. Unfortunately it's his house and he has all our savings (I have enough to get myself sorted somewhere though) so I need to put my affairs in order and speak to my solicitor to find out what I need to do next. Thank you everyone for your help and clarity.

If you're married, you have a claim on the house and savings.

I would also suggest contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations too (the latter can give some legal advice). You are married to this man and thus have rights in law; exercise those fully and teach your son that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Never be afraid to call the Police here either.

If you are married then everything will hopefully be 50:50.
Get yourself a personal account if you don’t have one, and get any wages put in there.
As pp said, if he does that again call the police.

Just another one to add - it is NOT his house if you are married. Yes you will need somewhere to stay and money if you move out but all will be taken into account in a divorce (take copies of any bank statements, pensions, house deeds etc). Good luck and keep yourself and son safe x

Run fast and run far...

No this is not right in any way shape or form.

Can you transfer half the savings to your bank account? Are you married

He's abusive and you need to leave.

Just to put it into context. I have a male friend, we meet and take our kids out together, my husband encourages it and will ask me if we had a nice time when I get home. He'll often have our tea on the table for when we get home too. He doesn't punch and throw furniture around, he doesn't swear at me and threaten me, he doesn't tell me I'm an embarrassment either: