Take back control - husband no job

[theletterofthelaw101]

I've been waiting and watching on the sidelines for my husband to get his business off the ground and/or get a job for the past year but neither has happened. He has money from his parents to start the business. I work a full-time job. I can't make him look for work or get his business running and I constantly feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I have feelings of anger and of being trapped. He is paying lip service to my expectations. How do I take back control and move forwards and stop feeling trapped?

Tell him to get a job or you are leaving . Give a time frame and expectations.
If nothing happens then leave ,it wont get any better

Make sure that you have your own money in your own account. Anything that is considered joint put half into you account.
Stop enabling him to do nothing. Tell him he needs to be contributing to household finances and his own personal pension. Tell him unless he comes up with all his figures and business plan within a month you will stop supporting him. Let him buy his own food, cook it, do his own washing, clearing up after himself. Everything that you may usually take care of. If you have children he has to do at least half the childcare.
Tell him six months is the absolute limit you will tolerate this nonsense otherwise he can leave. But you have to mean it.
Good luck 💐

Six months is too long. Three months would be ridiculously tolerant.

How long has this been going on? Everyone I know who has a successful business was working alongside setting it up until it got wings and was able to support them.

Sorry, I didn't read the OP. A year. Nope. I'd take back control by stopping supporting him and using the difference to put in savings for myself.

You can't. You can't make him get a job and you can't control his decisions, but you can control yours. I'm afraid you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you as pent up anger and resentment is really not good for your emotional health in the long run.

Why exactly can't he work part time?? Not working a full time job does give you a lot more headspace, but a lot of self-employed people don't recommend quiting a full time job straight away until you see things picking up and they don't seem to be at all at the moment.

To be fair starting a business or looking for a job during a pandemic isn’t the best of times and very hard to do. But if you think it’s more than that and you don’t want to support any more then just end it.

I waited around for my exH to do this. Waited, watched, supported, waited some more and in the end just left. Best decision i ever made.
You can’t wait around and support someone who lacks this sort of motivation. He needs to take some sort of accountability and have some realistic goals that he’s prepared to actually work for. He needs a job on the side. It’s not fair on you.

Leave him.
Get yourself a solicitor.

To be fair to him it takes a while to get a business off the ground. Surely you knew that when he decided to set it up?

If it's not making money it's a hobby.

Put yourself first, OP. Is he putting everything into this? Who does he think will feed and house him meanwhile?

I write this as someone who is a little further along the line than you but who let it go on way too long. I know there are lots of people who will go straight to LTB but I also know life and emotions are more complicated than a MN post can ever express. My DH was out of work for years after redundancy - sort of SAHP (kids were at school though and he didn't pick up the slack at home) and because of lots of talk abut wanting to retrain, find what he wanted to do etc I let it slide (for years!!! We were okay on my wages). Okay day to day finically but the impact has been no pension for either of us (now late 40;s and this really scares me). I gave my husband an ultimatum to find a job in Sept (note my reflection - I was NOT firm enough at this point). By Jan he had pissed around and done nothing - he didn't think I meant it. When he realised I did he got a job (started last month). I am now at stage two of sitting down to tell him what I expect him to pay into the joint account each month and savings (he hasn't been paid yet due to admin red tape). Along with this (as his job is a 6 month contract) I will be laying out that he needs to have a new and full time job in place before this one ends (as I get the impression he has no intention of this). Again I know people will say I am too soft but I also know the part I have played in creating this situation and that it is worth a few months more when it is a 20+year marriage with 2 teens. BUT this is now where the buck stops - if he in any way doesn't meet what I am asking him to do then it is over. I guess my message to you is to be clear and firm exactly what you expect from him and by when and not to do let it come out in anger but at a proper discussion, and to learn from my story to not allow this to continue as long as I did. Good luck OP

Do you have children? That's the key question.

Either way, your only real option is an ultimatum - that you won't be staying in a marriage where you're being used and where the other person is a parasite and isn't willing to act like you're a team. With more detail on your finances and dependents, there's lots of advice here on how to start separating things out. Lots would depend on him though - how bullish he is. For example, if you own a house together, you'd be looking at forcing a sale if he digs his heels in.

Have you spoken to his parents who fronted the money that you're worried he's wasted THEIR money?