Do I take him back?

[Redruby82]

Dp and I separated about 4 months ago. A joint decision but it completely broke me. I have been a total mess! About a month ago we made contact and met up. We just sat in his car and talked for about 4 hours. We then exchanged messages most days just general chit chat. Then about 2 wks ago he phoned and asked if I wanted to meet up for a walk which I did and since then we have seen each other probably every other day. He has stayed over a few times. It's been so nice seeing him and I still love him so much. We haven't really spoke about our relationship as I think we are both just enjoying each other's company again. I feel at some point we will need to talk about it as we can't carry on like this. The reason we split up was mainly because he was so busy at work and didn't have any time for me and when we did see each other he was too tired to do anything. We have probably spent more time together in the last few wks than we did in the last year of our relationship! My worry is things will just go back to how they were before and I don't think I can put myself through the heartache again. I worry I'm living in the past and only remembering the good times. My friends think I'm mad even seeing him again but I just love him so much mad can't imagine my life without him. I guess I just wanted to get my feelings out as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about it.

OP such a heartache, however in the cold light of day- is the cause of the rift still there? It sounds like he’s not changed his job, so he’s proved he can take time out, he just choose not to during your “ marriage”. Sadly he doesn’t see you as a priority & I’d say that’s unlikely to change. I’d say think again if he can keep finding time for you up for a good year ( he’s probably just realised all his socks are in the wash/ fridge empty/ house needs tidying). You have to be kind to yourself and either move on or really out him to the rest of time- stay apart fir an extended period, then you will know.

So he can take time away from work when he wants to get you back. [Hmm]

And yet I bet he’s been telling you that he couldn’t because he was under so much pressure etc etc etc . How many times have you begged him to spent time with you and he’s said no sorry I can’t?

Why do you think it’s suddenly different now ?

I think I would stay separated and see I this change in his behaviour is sustainable!

That's a pretty big mid-March. You love him so much, but he can't make time for you?

If he is genuine- genuinely wants a relationship, then the very least you deserve is a conversation.

It would be very easy for him to slide back where it's comfortable.

• mis match!!!! No mid march?

Maybe he's more suited to being your date than a live-in partner?

He'll almost certainly revert to past behaviour if you live together.

Thanks for your replies. I never used to mind all the hours he worked as I was quite busy myself but I was furloughed since last March and I guess I just had more time to think about it. He says he wants to work hard now to make a better life for us and we can be mortgage free and take things a bit easier in years to come. It's so hard as I do love him. I have already said to him i don't want him moving back in any time soon. If he is serious he needs to prove it to me.

He says he wants to work hard now to make a better life for us and we can be mortgage free and take things a bit easier in years to come.

Workaholics always say that.
Always "jam tomorrow".

Your post doesn't come across that well tbh.

So you love him and splitting up broke you, so you kinda got back together but now you don't want the heartache.

He works hard and you didn't mind up until the point you were furloughed then you started to get bored and felt you deserved more attention from him? Why?

He said he wants to be mortgage free, provide a nice life for you, but that's not good enough?

Sounds like he would be far better off finding a far less demanding job and partner.

I agree with
@Pantsomime

His missed all the wife duties and sex on tap.

A mortgage free house doesn't benefit you either.

Is he proposing marriage?

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Your post doesn't come across that well tbh.

So you love him and splitting up broke you, so you kinda got back together but now you don't want the heartache.

He works hard and you didn't mind up until the point you were furloughed then you started to get bored and felt you deserved more attention from him? Why?

He said he wants to be mortgage free, provide a nice life for you, but that's not good enough?

Sounds like he would be far better off finding a far less demanding job and partner.

Or you know, she had a change of lifestyle like so many of us during lockdown, and started to realise what's more important than having your nose constantly stuck to the grindstone.

No-one is promised tomorrow. It's a huge gamble to sacrifice life/work balance for an imagined future that may never come. Huger gamble to take someone back who is promising an imaginary future.

OP, please remember that the forum you are posting is tailored for woman who have experienced problems in the relationship and are perhaps transferring those experiences and pain onto you predicament.
God forbid a man should actually realise what matter more and try and make it right. Cos obviously women never make mistakes...
Anyway, personally I would enjoy the journey and see where it takes you. If the o ly thing that caused the split was prioritising work, and he has since changed that, then he hasn't betrayed your trust or anything longer lasting, just you both weren't on the same page re work life balance. Additionally furlough and extra time on your hands has maybe aggregated the situation, something that isn't set to last ( we hope!)
Just take things a step at a time with communication. You know what to look for and perhaps workout what your deal breakers are and tell him. Many relationships need the shock of A break to come back stronger

Please remember that whilst you have been furloughed, he hasn't. Mine and my OHs roles have been busier than ever this past year. I get annoyed that everyone thinks the time spent on furlough has allowed people to reconsider what they want.
I've spent the last year, like many, with my head down ploughing through a heavily increased workload with little time for else. It is only now that we are coming out the other side that things are settling down and I can take a break.

Also, there are a lot of women on this site who are quick to say ltb, when he actually sounds like he's trying. Women aren't perfect and so why should men have to be. Take it slowly, have some dates now things are opening up, talk and come to a reasoned decision, whatever that may be.

I wouldn't go there. But you could tell him you just want to be friends for the foreseeable future and see if he can consistently show that he has changed. Do not sleep with him. You'll soon see if he cares about you or if he just wanted sex because if it's the later, he'll revert back to form in a few months time.

I had an ex like this - we split up a couple of times because of him working all the time and then also going out nearly every night to do hobbies.
It would get better for a while thanks to the excitement of reuniting but then he'd be back to "normal" in no time at all.

Having said that, I gave my ex a chance, maybe you could give yours one chance but make clear that you need him to around more now to enjoy time with each other, not just at some theoretical point in the future when you are supposedly mortgage free.

The fact that your friends think you’re mad for it stands out to me as they will have seen the effect of everything on you.
I would be very careful not to rush into things as I’d be worried about ending up back in the same situation

Give it more time.

If thats all it really was that caused a rift then I would say carry on exactly as you are now and keep sex out the equation too and then see how he feels and acts. I think it would be a bit premature to end things just on a work/life balance mismatch without a chance for him to put that right as much as he can. In some jobs there just isn't a decent worklife balance, its the nature of the job, so it depends if his job is lone ike this or it was his choice to prioritise it.

It may be he just thought you were nagging and didn't realise quite how much it bothered you. I would make it very clear you are more interested in actual 'doing things together' and quality time than mortgage free houses etc. Some blokes in certain industries do get it into their heads that if they work like mad they can pack up work at 45, own homes outright etc and they obsess about totally different goals to their partners and presume the partner is on the same page. .

Keep a bit of distance , build up doing things without him more and then you will be able to see if he is all words, or if he is following through. Lockdown and furlough have given 'some' people a lot more time for introspective rumination and its very easy to let your thoughts get totally carried away, especially when many people on mumsnet would have you LTB for fairly minor things in some cases.

There seems a lot of love there still, so take it back to boyfriend/girlfriend for a while.

Yes.

He still loves you too and has his eyes open now.

Thank you all. I plan on just taking it steady and see how things go. There has been no sex and he isn't living here so it's not like I'm cooking, washing etc for him. He is and always has been more than capable of doing that himself. He does seem to be making an effort but I guess time will tell how serious he is. I don't think I nag him, I'm really proud of him, how hard he works and how well he is doing. He just doesn't seem to be able to have down time and not think about work!

@category12

He says he wants to work hard now to make a better life for us and we can be mortgage free and take things a bit easier in years to come.

Workaholics always say that.
Always "jam tomorrow".

This is true. I know someone who said that to his wife when they first got married. He’s mid 60s and still working 7 days a week.

She divorced him after waiting 15 years for him to change.