Do you feel insecure if you own only a small % share of the house you live in with your unmarried partner and he owns the rest?

[Olaf1000]

I’m late 20s, with a partner who is late 30s. I have my own small 3 bed house in a quiet town (but on a mortgage) which is still pretty good for my age as I’m a sole buyer and I earn just over £35k per year which is a little above average I guess for my age.

However, my partner is around a decade older, earns closer to 100k as he runs his own business plus has small inheritance property fully paid off before he even inherited it so his net worth is far far bigger than mine

I’ve been with him a few years and the future prospect of owning a teeny tiny share of a big house I’d live in with him whilst 90%+ would be his, fills me with dread. I’d much much rather own 50% of a smaller house we’d have together than a teeny proportion of a big house but I know he’d rightly prefer a bigger property.

I love my situation now that I own it and I want to decorate it and keep it clean etc and feel content whereas I hated renting before. I’m not a luxury lover but I love having my own home. If I only own eg 5% of the house I live in with him, he could buy me out in seconds (though I’m sure he still could with 50% but at least I’d own half of it)..

Also, we’re not married and not planning to (mainly my fault as I really don’t like the idea of marriage whilst he’s not super against it) so the 50:50 rule of joint assets wouldn’t apply to me so I feel like I would have zero security and my only real desire is to live in a home I at least own half of, if not more. I’m not into luxury holidays, designer stuff etc. I know I’m very unlikely to catch up to him and definitely don’t want his money either but really want equal stake in the place we’d live in.

I know I sound like a diva and I should be more than happy to have the house I currently have a mortgage on (which I would like to keep and rent out) but any advice etc appreciated.

IF you're planning on having children with this man then you need to marry OP.

Having children just changes everything for women. Even if you mean to go back to work...many women don't...or they lose out on career progression because of maternity leave and kids just take up your time and energy and you won't be protected properly whilst his body and mind stay more or less the same...yours wont.

Marriage unfortunately protects you more than living together does. You're quite right to worry about it all. DO NOT have kids with this man unless he wants to marry you.

Understand your thoughts.
But try to think pragmatically- keep your house and rent it out and you’ll always have that 100% plus the income from it.

If you move in and rent yours, then you put the extra money into a savings account. Whilst you'll never be financially on a par with your partner, you will at least be secure. You will always have a property to go back to.
However, if money is the only thing that's worrying you and you like being in your own house, do you really like/love him enough to buy with him? You don't wish to have the big house, he does, You don't want luxury holidays, he does. You don't like designer items, he does. Is this the right relationship for you?

In answer to your question in the title... yes, I do feel insecure. Keep your house, rent it out if necessary. Hang on to your future security. Never be in the position I am now. I’m 20 years older than you and I know how vulnerable I am if anything happens to my partner or if we split up. Frankly it worries me deeply.

Thanks everyone so far @MrsDamonSalvatore do you have your own house too?

I really don’t like the idea of marriage

What’s not to like about a legal contract that affords you significant financial protection?

Not any more unfortunately. When I got divorced we sold our house and I couldn’t afford to buy somewhere else on my own. (That was before I met my current partner.) As I get older I do worry that if anything happened to him, I’d have to start from scratch again at an age where I will probably have less income than I do now. It’s a real concern. I’d love to have my own place to fall back on if everything went pear-shaped! If I were you, I’d hang on to your house and if you only own a small share in a second bigger property, at least you have a future security blanket if you need it!

Can you buy a medium sized house together and do a 60/40 split. I understand him not wanting to downsize if he likes his house. Also are you planning children if you are please get married otherwise he could screw you over.

Unless you get married or he's prepared to go 50/50 ownership on a joint property keep your house as entirely yours. Then you always have something to fall back on. If you're planning on having kids you'll make yourself very vulnerable by not getting married. If it's absolutely not an option to marry and you do want kids then you need a set up where you both contribute 50/50 to housework and childcare including drop offs and pick ups from childcare and that you keep working on and committing to your career. His share of housework could be paying a cleaner, but in that case he needs to do the work in finding and hiring and paying them. If you want to be a SAHM or go part time you need to get married first. You'll be way too vulnerable otherwise. Ultimately marriage is first and foremost a legal contract that provides protecting

Why would you give up the house you currently own?

If you two decide to live together, then you move in with him and rent out your house. Continue to pay your own mortgage.

You would own 0% of his house, but I don't see the problem with that.

However, if you decide to have children, you should marry. Because let's say you split 8, 10, 15 years down the line and your dc are used to living in a big house... you want the protection for them and for you.

@FortunesFave

IF you're planning on having children with this man then you need to marry OP.

Having children just changes everything for women. Even if you mean to go back to work...many women don't...or they lose out on career progression because of maternity leave and kids just take up your time and energy and you won't be protected properly whilst his body and mind stay more or less the same...yours wont.

Marriage unfortunately protects you more than living together does. You're quite right to worry about it all. DO NOT have kids with this man unless he wants to marry you.

100% this. It's MUCH easier for an unmarried man to walk away from his child than from a marriage. If a man doesn't want to marry you but is willing to have kids, that tells you a LOT about him and I would be swiftly walking away.

To be honest, unless it's an unplanned pregnancy, I've never understood people (man or woman) who are happy to have kids with someone but not marry them. Marriage means you're legally committed to that person, are a couple in the eyes of the law instead of legally single, and have unchangeable important benefits and protections (including for any children) whether you stay together or split.

99% of the time the woman (and the kids they brought into the situation) end up being the ones who suffer, and it's especially not fair on the kids who are innocent in all this. Even if the couple doesn't split, there's normally an uneven power dynamic in favour of the man in these unmarried situations.

I don't know what's happened to feminism that so many women are determined to screw themselves (and often their kids) over and let men have everything on a plate with no proper legal responsibilities.

@Grumblesigh

Why would you give up the house you currently own?

If you two decide to live together, then you move in with him and rent out your house. Continue to pay your own mortgage.

You would own 0% of his house, but I don't see the problem with that.

However, if you decide to have children, you should marry. Because let's say you split 8, 10, 15 years down the line and your dc are used to living in a big house... you want the protection for them and for you.

I assume she wants kids and thinks living in his larger house would be more sensible...but...and here it is...how would she pay her own mortgage if she was on maternity leave?

Very difficult for most people. Which is why marriage is the only way forward.

I dont see a problem since you have your own house.