Single and in your 40s.

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

Anyone else early 40s and single? Do you believe you will still find the one? I'm 42 and after online dating for years apart from a few brief relationships in between I have kind of given up hope. How do other 40+ singles feel.The pool of available men is not only shallow but full of frogs.

That is spot on @aurynne

Embrace singleness op!

I've been embracing singlehood for a decade and quite frankly am a bit sick of it now.
Can understand if you have just come out of a 20+ year marriage and are enjoying a bit of me time but doing everything on your own for this amount of time does get you down.

But guess it's good to accept either outcome although I haven't given up hope quite yet!

I'm nearly 40 and single. Tried OLD and persevering but I've completely lost faith in men.

@Ilovegreentomatoes

I've been embracing singlehood for a decade and quite frankly am a bit sick of it now. Can understand if you have just come out of a 20+ year marriage and are enjoying a bit of me time but doing everything on your own for this amount of time does get you down.

That's a really good point op, fair enough.

It'll get better as soon as everything opens up, if you fancy it - apparently running clubs are great places to meet single 40 somethings.

I have to say, i live in a COVID-free country so life here has not changed that much. I have friends and a great social life, I spend my holidays driving my campervan around this beautiful country and hiking in stunning places. I understand that in your situation it is much harder, OP.

Op yes I hear you, I'm single for god it's 16 yes now, and have times where it's wearing a bit thin.

I get saddened from time to time that this is my normal.
I'm lucky to have had a wonderful daughter to bring up and love.
Yet at the same time now she's left home I need someone for me.

How come some women fall so easily into relationships and others really struggle? I know of women that have never stayed single for more than a month and then others like me for years!
I had my first relationship at 23, relatively late compared with my peers, and then dived straight into a 20-year relationship, so from 0 to 100. After that I really fancied catching up on the casual flings I'd missed out on - and it seems that there are quite a few men out there who are delighted by a woman who only wants casual flings. I wouldn't say I was setting my bar lower - I wanted to enjoy myself and was quick to reject anyone who got in the way of that - but at the same time, I was willing to date men who did not seem to be long-term prospects - keen to do so, even, as I didn't want to string anyone along.

As it happens, one then turned out to be far more of an interesting prospect than I'd expected - and we have aurynne's dream setup.

But who knows; what I see as not having a low bar, you might see as very poor standards . It's all subjective, isn't it?

In any case, if you're looking for men your age, mid-40s is when there's a sudden rush of fresh divorcees, and they honestly aren't all rubbish.

Other than a small bit of dating when 18 or 19 I was single until I was 34. Got married when I was 36 and my husband left four years ago. I don't expect to be in another relationship to be honest.

So I've been single most of my life really. I've never been obsessed about being coupled up and not someone who thought I'd have children either. Some people are unable to be single and get together with anyone to avoid being alone. That's not me, plus now I've got a failed marriage behind me I'm even less bothered about dealing with someone else's issues and lack of sense.

If it helps, at 37 I had been in abusive relationships galore, and my last healthy relationship had been when I was around 19. I'd never married but had one child who I adored and decided to concentrate on.
At 38, I started a reluctant relationship with someone who I'd worked with 10 years prior, and would never have passed the ridiculous standards that this forum has. He had been seperate 2 years but was extremely nervous about entering a new relationship, very protective of his children because of the split, not great with communication and had I posted about some of the bumps in the road, I'd have bene told he wasn't worth the effort and to bin him.
Thankfully I didn't, and I am the happiest I have ever been. I am treated like a queen, have fantastic relationship with all the kids and we laugh every day. Don't give up, not all men are cheats, abusive or looking to take the piss. It's also worth remembering the audience of this forum is where most have been hurt or are being hurt and are looking for advice. It's easy to become tainted by other people's experience, and that can cloud your own judgement call. Good luck to all

Hi OP.
My now DH was 43 when we got together and 46 when we got married. We'd been friends for 6 years beforehand then realised we had feelings for each other.

It can happen 🙂

@bangheadhere40 how is OLD going? I gave up completely a couple of weeks after finally meeting up with Computer Geek, I couldn't face swiping anymore and even though I haven't heard from him in 6 weeks so it really isn't like it will ever go anywhere, I think it's the best thing I did as my heart wasn't in it and I'm on a much better level now.

I'm in my mid 40s. Been single since mid 30s. Every so often, I meet someone akdngive it a go but relationships just aren't happening.

I think I'm going to enjoy mutually beneficial casual flings from now on and make the most of it!

Hi isitreally nice to see you....glad you are feeling a bit better now, such a similar thing happened to me last year.

I'm not having much luck, but I've not really been trying too hard and feel on more of an even keel not bothering 🙂

I'm 43 and single, I've had LTR and ive had periods of time where Ive conciously stayed single. I've also had times where I've dated loads with the hope of meeting someone. The one thing this lock down has taught me is that acrually I'm perfectly ok on my own and in fact while sometimes it's lonely and boring, being single is so much easier.
The pandemic has made me realise that I'm fed up of compromising for a relationship and that in fact I'm accepting the reality that I don't ever want to be in one again.
I just know after so much shit I don't want to start the process again, ever. I'm not willing to put up with stuff anymore, I guess I'm intolerant lol. I'm by far means perfect, but I don't care, I still don't want to overlook someone else's issues to make something work anymore, as s face it everyone in 6th or 40s has their own issues lol.
Also, and some will say this isn't healthy, but it's the way feel. ....i absolutely love the liberation of knowing there is not a man walking who has the potential to blow my world apart and break my heart. Knowing that, apart from the general life losses we all suffer at times, I'm 100% responsible for my own happiness and I'll never be heartbroken again. It's an amazing feeling and fills me with confidence and courage.

@11:56ALittleBitConfused1

As a male in his 50s, I couldn't have put it better.
Entirely agree with you, and I think that in the last 14 months, a lot of people (both sexes) feel exactly the same.

@ALittleBitConfused1

Completely agree with everything you say there.
I was thinking about this yesterday and how much better my life is now, despite the pandemic and yes, it is lonely at times.
But when there's no raging pandemic I have so much going on in my life, friends, activities, work, travel etcetc. I don't have time for someone else and their issues.

When I think how much time I have wasted in the last 25 years thinking about men and whether they fancy me or not, what they want for me and whether that's what I want, I'm glad now that I don't have to think about that kind of shit ever again. I spent all of my 20s fancying guys who just weren't interested and not fancying the ones who were and overthinking everything.
Then I had two LTRs with completely shit guys. The last one ended 2 and a half years ago and I've taken a long time to get over it. I never want to go through anything like that ever again.

I haven't completely ruled out having some fun with someone if someone happened to cross my path but I certainly don't want a relationship ever again. Such a waste of time and energy.

I've also been thinking about why I was so desperate for a relationship when I was younger anyway. And I think I felt it was expected that I would do this and that single women are regarded as failures if they can't get and keep men. It's societal pressures. I don't think being in a relationship is the right thing for me and never has been. I felt there was something wrong with me for having these feelings so tried to fit into society's mold. But it isn't me - there are other things about me that are unconventional too and now I'm embracing them too.

You didn't even acknowledge the good news stories. Yes OLD can be grim but good things can happen and believe me if it could happen to (was)very overweight, neurodiverse me it can happen to anyone.

You didn't even acknowledge the good news stories.

Yes. Amongst friends and acquaintances I was generally acknowledged as the Forever Single one, least likely to form a relationship. But I have. Like me he is independent and introverted, so it may be that we never live together. But we enjoy each other's company, love and support each other, spend time together when we can and don't worry when we can't.

IMO/E relationships can be very different when you meet in middle age, or later. Neither of us is driven by a goal to settle down and have children. But we do want a companion and partner, which is what we have. Being single is great, and so much better than a shit relationship. But I don't think I'd have got through lockdown in a healthy frame of mind if it weren't for my OH. I'd have survived, because I do and I've been through worse on my own. But having him around has made things better.

48 last 2 relationships have affected my self esteem and mental health - both just used for me sex and both sleeping with other women / ghosted me - I look around and friends have go engaged / married and moved on and I have had this experience. For the sake of my mental health and daughter I can not go down that road ever again

I'm 46 & apart from a brief relationship 2 years ago ive been single 13 years.. tried all the OLD sites & had a few dates some nice some awful.. I don't quite know what the turning point was maybe the end of said relationship (I was devastated) but I am very happily single now, I always hoped I'd get to a point where I felt I didn't need a man to validate me or where I felt pressured by society to find someone. Life is peaceful & uncomplicated now. I'm not completely closed to dating if the option arises but definitely not actively looking.

I don't miss anything about being in a relationship or intimacy, I don't have to worry about pleasing anyone else other than my children & myself. Having said that for every happy to be single person I know I know someone who has found love a bit later in life or after divorce, it's just not as straightforward later in life as it is when you're in your 20's & no ties/commitments.

I'm early 40's and single by choice. I've never fancied the hassle of a live in man so never did it. Have loads of friends and a great social life. Do a bit of OLD when I fancy a doing and all good. You might be alone forever, OP and you might not. Try to enjoy the freedom.

That should read fling!

I agree it's different in your 40s. I'd be prepared to overlook somethings now that I wouldn't have been willing to overlook when younger. I'm not looking for someone to start a family or build a life with necessarily.

I'm looking for someone who is kind, affectionate, funny, loving etc but I'm less bothered about their earning potential because I'm self sufficient and won't need them to step up during maternity leave or whatever.

Im 39 now and been single since early 2019. I have realised, after about 20 years of dating and relationships with both men and women, that I really prefer being alone. Maybe one day I will fall in love, but I live my life planning to remain single, because i wont compromise on who I want and i am lucky enough to have lots of friends and 2 DC which keeps me busy