A bit disappointed in best friend

[Nic04]

Would you be disappointed if your ds or dd went into hospital for an operation and your best friend didn't make any contact to find out how it went? Ok so it was a routine operation, but ds (4) had to stay in overnight and my best friend of nearly 20 yrs knew that I was nervous about it. I left a message on her answerphone the night before he went into hospital - nearly two weeks ago now - and have heard nothing from her since. Normally we speak on the phone every week, she is a single mother with two daughters (13 & 8 yrs) but she has always phoned me regularly and we speak often about everything.

I know she is in the process of moving house at the moment but she always has a lot of help from her family, and I just feel it's unusual that she hasn't even contacted me to find out how things are going. I left another message on her answerphone yesterday morning but still nothing. Several other friends contacted me to after the operation to ask how ds was, but I feel disappointed that she hasn't even tried to contact me. And what's more that she hasn't responded to either of my messages. Would you feel disappointed too, or is this a bit of an overreaction? Not very impressed with her at all actually...

Yes, I'd feel very unhappy. In fact, it's so inconsiderate, I wonder if something has happened to her in the past 2 weeks? If so, it would explain why she hasn't been in touch. If not, I think you should decide if you want someone like this as a friend.

Thanks earlybird, not sure that's what I wanted to hear but I do feel very put out (it's hard to think that your best friend may not be treating you very nicely). I've been wondering if something's happened as well, but I also know her family and surely someone would have let me know if she was having problems.

I was hoping to get a few varied responses on this in case I was just being too sensitive, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen! Thanks anyway eb, guess I'll have to try & find out what's happening with her and then consider our friendship a little more carefully. Felt very low about this last night as I can't imagine our relationship deteriorating after all this time.

Tend to think that something big has happened in her life too, as it does sound out of character that she has not contacted you. I think, when she finally contacts you, that you need to be frank about your feelings and tell her how hurt you have felt

I'd be disappointed, but unless it was beginning to be a regular thing, I wouldn't fall out with her about it. If she's a single mother and in the process of moving, it doesn't matter how much help she gets from her family, she's at a very busy and stressful time atm, and has probably got you on her list and feeling guilty about not contacting you.

I have more or less lost contact with a friend because I realised that for the last 5 years, I've always been the one to call her, left ansaphone messages for her which haven't been returned, had vague promises of meeting up which haven't been followed up etc., and when any meeting has happened, it's always been initiated by me. But I think 5 years is a long time to give someone the benefit of the doubt, whereas just one incident at a time when your friend is going through one of the 5 most stressful things in life is a bit demanding. Friendship is about give and take, and you haven't mentioned any other problems with her.

Has she called yet nic04? I bet she wsa just really busy and if the op was routine, then I guess she probably thought it would all be ok. I bet she has her plate full at the mo so maybe she feels she hasn't any more energy to give? best wishes x

Hi newgirl, thanks for asking. No I haven't heard from her as yet. Still don't know what's going on, I left a message on her answering machine about 5 days ago and she still hasn't gotten back to me. It's all very out of character but I don't want to keep ringing in case she is in the 'midst' of something and perhaps doesn't want to talk to me (or anyone) right now. It's just frustrating as we are always in contact and she has never ignored my calls before.

I do know what you mean about the op being routine and she probably thought it would all be ok, but the thing that is bothering me more now is that she hasn't returned my calls. All I can do is hope that there is nothing 'significant' behind this and that she will be back in touch soon. I still feel annoyed in a way because I have listened to her for HOURS in the past when she's being going through stuff (such as her divorce), and I thought that she could at least think of me enough to ask how ds was going. Nevermind.. people don't always do what you expect them to do, do they.

Hi Nic04, Is it possible that in the move she hasn't got her messages? Either way it seems a bit unfair on you if she did know... Normally with friends there is some cause. Perhaps something has happened (hopefully not too major) and she didn't want to stress you cos she knew you were going through enough? Do you have mutual friends? If so have they heard from her? I think Merlot is right, you need to be honest when you do speak to her. Find out why before you start thinking that she's fobbing you off. There could be a good explaination, although it's still not very nice for you.

If i were you i' give it another couple of days. Try again and if you get nothing try calling someone you know prety well in her family, see if they know anything, or can pass on a message.

It does seem odd and thoughtless but as others have said maybe there is a reason somewhere?
Not surprised you are upset, I would be. Hope you hear from her soon.
Sounds as if your ds is OK? Hope he's feeling better now.

Just an update on this friend of mine. She finally called about a week and a half ago and left a message on my answering machine, saying she'd moved into the new place but didn't have the phone connected yet so would call me back the next day. Well, nine days later (??) she phoned me back from her mother's place and I was finally able to speak to her last night. It seems that she had no real reason for not contacting me except that she moved house, but she didn't move until nearly 10 days after my ds had his operation - so she could've phoned me, but didn't. She just said she'd been 'busy'.

After we'd been talking for about 10 minutes I casually mentioned that ds had his operation back in October and she mumbled something like "Oh, was it that long ago? Oh, sorry, I forgot - how did it go?" As soon as I started to tell her about it, I got the impression she wasn't listening so I just changed the subject. I was really disappointed in her attitude actually. But she did manage to tell me all about her new house and what SHE's been doing lately

I feel really annoyed quite frankly. I've listened to her SO much over the years about all her problems (in detail) and while she's been a friend for a long time and has always kept in contact, it seems that we talk about her a lot more than we ever talk about me. Dh has said to me in the past that she's self-absorbed, but I've only just realised how true this is. Very disappointing... but I guess I'll know what to expect in the future & I don't think I'll be relying on her for support. I should probably also make myself less available to her when she wants to tell me about all her dramas

Some people are just like that Nic04. It sounds like you've fallen into a way of relating where she's the centre of the world and you're her admiring audience, and she can't cope with a switch of roles.

I think the beginning of changing it (assuming you want to keep the friendship) is to be aware that that's been happening, and doing exactly what you are talking about - being less available as an audience and making her aware that friendship is a two way thing.

I hope you manage to ensure that the friendship gets on to a more equal footing. Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear she is being so crap!! Friends are worse than husbands sometimes! take care

Sorry that you have been treated like this by your friend.

FWIW my best friend of about 20 years also sounds much the same, she will not call to check up if something major has happened to me or family, but will phone up for an hour because she broken a nail, she is also so unrealiable, ytou plan to meet up and she cancels last minute, but at the end of the day I have accepted thats who she is, and as annoying as it is and we quite often have words about it, I know that deep down she isn't heart-less does care, just flakey at times.

Despite the above, I do still get things from the friendship, thats what you need to decide.

Wish you all the best.