Fed up with feeling used.

[lillysadface01]

Feel like only time friends get in touch is when they want to talk, usually for hours about themselves, or get a lift or a favour.
If I ask them to meet up they always seem pleased to do so, but they never suggest it first.
Just wish someone would ask me how I feel, and let me talk. Or offer an idea to go out.
Am starting to feel like this about my family as well.

Same

💐

Crap isn't it, not even any support on here,
Thanks for at least answering. Flowers 💐 for you as well

Sorry to hear this.

I feel similar, thankfully only with a few friends. One gets in touch when she has news to share - promotion, new house etc. I noticed the pattern years ago. I have allowed the 'friendship' to fizzle out.

I had a few 'mum' friends who were happy to talk and meet when I did all the running. I stopped messaging and did not hear from two for over a year. I will not be contacting them again.

It makes you feel pretty crap if friends or acquaintances are only speaking or meeting up when you initiate. Deep down you know they place no value on you. I would rather have one decent friend and limited family members in my life rather than chase after people who generally do not prioritise me.

Yes that is exactly it, never feel like I am anyones priority.
Always happy to tell me problems, but don't want to hear mine.
Think I'm going to just let them get on with it and not get in touch.

Thank you 🙂

It's so crap isnt it. Im always asking how people are and some of those people dont even ask how I am back 🙄

I realised the other day one "friend" knows nothing about me as all she does is talk about herself and her problems.

I can count on one hand the friends and family in my life that are worth my time.

Like the pp said I'd rather have a few decent family and friends I can channel my efforts on than chase around after people that dont care for me back.

It's really sad, I'm a good friend and I'm a caring person, I find it hard to be harsh and not contact people I call friends..it makes me feel guilty.. maybe I'm just too sensitive 🤷🏼‍♀️ but then they dont seem to care so why should I.

I end up arguing with myself 😂 xxx

I 100% know how you feel. This is why I now only have 2 friends. I was so tired of having “friends” that just used me! All they would do is talk about themselves. Only wanted to meet up if I went to them! Never paid if we went for food or drinks. Or one particular “friend” would just come over mine and pretty much empty my cupboards 😂 I finally got to the point where I couldn’t be arsed with it all and was much happier just having 2 mates that if I ever needed would always be there for me and likewise. It’s a shame there is so many shitty people out there but that is life. Keep your circle small and all that ☺️

@Boho7 some people have never learned that it's a conversational skill to ask questions and show interest in other people. I spent some time with me DWs family recently and noticed that after several hours talking with them I was fully up to date on their lives and they knew nothing about mine.

Maybe if you were aware you were doing it, you would deliberately make an effort to show more interest in other people?

@ZaphodDent sorry if I was aware I was doing what?
I said I ask people about themselves all the time and that they never asked me back?

Or have I just read that all wrong lol?

I am someone who dominates the conversation with a few of my friends because they are quieter and I always have a story to tell. But I do wish they'd talk more! I often ask them questions but get short replies so I return to talking about me/my life. So I would say, op, just muscle in. I would imagine your friends want to hear about you but find it hard to instigate that or know how to encourage you to talk. Would you say you hold back? Maybe out of habit?

@Boho7 sorry not you, I meant people.

@ZaphodDent no worries 😊

Like you say maybe people dont realise they are doing it 🤷🏼‍♀️

When I rang to tell my sister I was pregnant she waffled on about herself for 45 mins then she said she had to go..I said I did ring to tell her something. She said oh is it quick I'm busy 🙄 ..I said yes I'm pregnant. And hung up lol

But I felt so bad I'd hung up I ended up ringing her back 🤦🏼‍♀️ x

It happens, Lilly. I daresay your friends feel used by other people too at times - not by you maybe.

You could try being less available.

I know how you feel and I’m sorry for you.
If you’re the ‘giving’ kind of person, people might take advantage of you.

I would take some distance and see who reaches out to you, that will tell you who is genuinely interested in being a part of your life.

@lillysadface01 hope you've had a good day 😊 x

Maggiesfarm and LaBellina

I agree with the op stepping back from the friendship. It is not pleasant accepting that a friend can take or leave you. Sometimes it allows you to move on without them as the friendship is only one sided after all

I know exactly what you mean OP and it’s an upsetting realisation that they know nothing about you and aren’t interested anyway. I’ve noticed recently that invitations aren’t lacking for events involving presents or when they want lots of people to attend so the host looks popular. I think lots of people are very self focused selfish

@lillysadface01 sorry to hear this, how are you OP?

I've been fairly good at checking in with friends during lockdowns 9/10 if I message saying I'm just checking in, how are you, god is it time for wine yet?? Etc they tell me how they are and immediately ask me how I am back!

It's usually a two way street!? Not sure why your friends don't do this do you answer with 'oh I'm fine' which is British for a bit shit...

Had a good cry about this tonight. You aren’t alone. With me, it’s family. One parent, siblings and adult DNs. I’ve been having extensive tests to rule out cancer and lots of other unpleasant things too. It’s been a really tough time. They all know, through the parent who gives a shit, that I’m very unwell. Not one of them has asked how I am or said thinking of you. They’ve only been in touch to ask questions about our parents. As if I’m the PA.

I never get a hello, how are you or any attempt to make conversation with me. Despite me making attempts and always being kind. If I send a thoughtful text I either get ignored totally or 👍🏻.

Just

“Do you know if Mum’s home?”

“What date is Dad’s birthday?”

“Are Gran and Grandad ok?”

“I can’t remember Nan’s landline. Next time your round there get her to FaceTime me off your phone. It will work out cheaper for me.”

And when I’m there, I’m expected to just hand my phone over and deal with not getting a hello.

I might as well not exist to my siblings, their adult kids and my father.

I am very lucky though in that I have lovely friends to make up for it.

This does suck though.

How can people not realise how rude it is?

Thanks to all the people who have offered support. I appreciate your kindness. And sorry for those who are in the same position. I am chatty, but when people talk at me, find that I just shut down and don't want to share things. Its like I have to squeeze what I want to say in. The worst family member, is like the person who phoned her sister to tell her she was pregnant. They barely acknowledge what I say and its back to them. I also always bought lovely cards and presents for everyone at Christmas and birthdays. I have stopped that since a friend bought me an awful Christmas gift.

I don't give to get , bit over the years have given really lovely gifts, and that upset me.
I am going to stop getting in touch with friends and wait for them to get in touch.

Thanks for you kind words. I am obviously not the only person who feels this way.

I used to feel this way too. I think kind people just draw these leeches and users because they think we won't say no so they just take all they can give all they can give but don't give anything back.

I spent most of my teens and 20s dancing to other peoples tunes, wondering why I was always treated badly and crying. Then I hit 30 and it's like I turned itself on it's head. Learned a massive lesson with people and you really have to look at what they do and not what they say. If their actions match their words then that's great. As in they say they care and their actions back this up. I just think you've got to be a bit brutal in life and don't feel like you can't cut people off. Friends are supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not bad. So if someone is making you miserable let them go. I'd rather have no friends then shitty friends. But I also appreciate not everyone in your life is going to be your best friend.

So I've got around me now a nice bunch of individual close friends who do reciprocate what I give out. And the rest are just acquaintances and I don't go out on a limb for people who don't for me. In my head I've had to almost relegate people to being a oh this is someone who I go to bars with now and then. Or this is a colleague who sometimes go out in a group with. It might sound odd but taking control back in my mind helped it hurt a lot less plus I think it was putting up boundaries of how people could treat me and if I let them.

Remember you are enough and you deserve to be treated better. Step back and stop doing things for people who don't for you. Family included. You might feel guilt at first but remember, they don't feel guilty when they are impinging on your time asking for lifts. Charge them petrol and see how that goes down. Putting firm boundaries in place stops people taking the piss quite frankly and you will feel a lot better for it inside after a while.

Some good advice thank you . I think I will take a step back and let friends contact me and suggest things. I am also going to be less helpful. When I go shopping or order online I always ask if people need anything and get it for them, no one ever asks me. So I am going to stop that.

It feels so sad that I feel the need to stop being kind and helpful, but its too upsetting for it to be one way only. I will concentrate on myself, and what I want to do.

I think I would rather not have friends than mean ones, and as some one said , friends should make you feel good and happy, not miserable and sad.

Op it's not about being less kind, it's more about being kinder to yourself and realising that you deserve better than what is being dished out to you or rather what is not. Trust me, with the right friends, kindness is actually gracious accepted and returned. And you will know they are the right people because they will prove it. Just walk away from anyone who only serves themselves. They will drain you dry. You have to protect and love yourself so these people cannot use you anymore. And believe being kind is an amazing quality to have. You don't have to stop being you. Just don't let people take advantage.

I agree so much about being kind and looking out for ourselves and being friends with those who have same vales as ourselves. Xx