Estranged mother contacted to say sorry...

[MrsVogon]

I'm hoping a few others who read this may be able to help.

I won't go in depth, but I'm in my late 40s and have had a difficult relationship with my mother for what seems all of my life. There have been times when I've tried my best, but she has always found fault and never shown self awareness or responsibility of her actions. Around 4 years ago she started acting up again and fell out with everyone in the family. She sent me some awful emails and didn't speak to me for over 2 years.

I must point out that she has consistently done this with not just me, but my siblings and with her own siblings. We all have had to tread on eggshells around her as she has a reputation for being so reactive and explosive.

Since 2016, she and my step-father moved away without telling anybody where they were moving to and we had to leave her to it. She's attempted to contact me a few times and I've been polite and kept things neutral, but the last time she fell out with me was last year over something political I'd posted on my FB feed. Either way, I received a diatribe of vitriol from her and I didn't respond.

Then last week I suddenly received a message out of the blue from her saying she was sorry, that she had been talking to a professional (maybe a counsellor?) and realised she had reacted badly to things. Se ended it by saying that no matter what, I was her daughter and she loved me. I have never known my mother to apologise for anything and neither do I recall her telling me she loved me. I was quite gobsmacked and replied to just acknowledge the message and that I needed to digest what she had said before replying again.

I really don't know what to say as I am torn between not wanting to be hurt/caught up in her drama again and then on the other hand, that she may genuinely want to say sorry and want to try to make amends. She is in her 70s and my step-father doesn't help matters either. She tried to leave him a decade ago when she confided in me that he had been abusive and I did my best to help her, but she went back to him. Either way, I know she's in a coercive/DV relationship and I do worry for her future.

Friends and family who know what I've been through with her are concerned I will be hurt again. Do I give her this chance? WTF do I say?

You can just repeat that you need time to digest her initial message if you really need to reply. Personally I think I’d be tempted to ignore and carry on living life without her being part of it. Even blocking further contact from her.

This is completely up to you OP, tread carefully. None of us know the deep emotional ins and outs of your relationship with your mother, which means that it’s down to you if you feel that you would be able to cope with it all happening again. How would you feel about talking to her again? Would you be able to cope if she did the same thing again, and would you regret it if you didn’t talk to her?

These are all legitimate questions for you to ask yourself, and there is no shame in you saying you couldn’t manage to do it all again.

There is always the option of very limited contact and keeping her at arms length. It might be worth you seeking counselling for this so that you can better understand what it is you feel most comfortable doing. Good luck OP x

I think what Thehawki says is very pertinent.

You don't sound entirely hardened to never seeing your mum again, so it's likely you'd always wonder if she'd changed.

If you do want to re-engage with her, you need to set very clear expectations and conditions about it (with yourself and her), so you both know exactly what will happen if things start to slip back.

This must be so hard for you 💐

Did she ask you for anything? Meeting up etc. If you do, try and get your head to a place of calm so you don’t invest yourself emotionally.

If this came completely out the blue, the other thing I would question is her health. 70 is still young, but it can be the time when illnesses can start to become evident. Again, keep your emotions at a distance, and any steps you do take towards reconciliation should be slowly and on your terms.

Chances are you will be hurt again. Only you can decide if that's a risk you're willing to take. Often, the hope that she's really changed sucks you back in. Often that hope is crushed yet again, but if you feel strong enough to set boundaries and ensure she sticks to them, it might be different this time.

I would be wondering why now and what does your mother really want from you?. Is she wanting you or otherwise lining you up to be her carer?. Have any of your siblings been contacted similarly?.

What real evidence have you got here to say that she has changed?. Really and truly, none whatsoever. I would not take her word for it.

I would not respond to her messages further. You have tried your whole life re your mother and its ok to say no more to being further hurt and or abused. She has hurt you more than enough already and she continues to be in a relationship with her H for her own reasons. She still gets what she wants out of that relationship with him (they are probably very similar to each other) and she will in all likelihood never leave him.

I would read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

Hmmm I had similar with my mother over the years... she did the whole sorry thing and was quite good for a while then tried or was asking about moving in with me 😱 and my young son. I told her actually I was going to downsize and promptly moved an hour away

Anyway years later I was clearing out her flat and found a letter from her doctor saying she had early onset dementia cheeky mare!! Anyway she's in a home now and it was all a long time ago

When my dad was a child, his dad left for war and never came home. He was assumed dead, but as it turns out, instead abandoned his family and didn't let anyone know he was alive until my dad was in his 40s.

Of my dad's family, he was the only sibling to see his dad and make peace. He never forgave him, but was able to put it to bed. 25 years later, it is evident in my dad's sisters and brother the long term impact of what my grandfather did. My dad however, holds no anger or resentment as he resolved it many years ago.

I can only imagine the fear of what seeing your mother must be like. However, if you can, I would suggest to meet her. You don't need to forgive or try to have a wonderful relationship, but it may be healing to hear her out.

Basic line - if she got sick and died, would you regret that you hadn't given her another chance? A PP has asked if she has contacted other family members, if not, why just you?
If you did resume contact, you could keep her at a distance, whatever you are comfortable with. I'd also ask about what professional help she's had, see if she's genuine.
It must be so hard, don't rush into anything either way.

Ime don't fall for it op!! Nc for 10 years. Had cause to contact her (a legal predicament) and we got back in touch. Regretted it within a fortnight.. Lasted 2 years before I went nc again. Been 9 years now. She usually sends dc Easter cards.. This year she hasn't. Am aware she could have had /have Covid or be dead... Isn't pushing me to make contact so I am def at peace with my decision..
She wrote a long Woe Is Me letter.
I binned it half read.
And didn't reply..
Had a few ranty texts but just ignored those also.