Does this sound like hassling to you?

[mooreliz]

I'm just looking for advice to see what others would do in my situation. Essentially, I'm just a bit bothered by some messages DH has received on his phone. I should point out now that DH and I are not secretive over our phones and I don't think he's having an affair.

At the start of lockdown, a woman acquaintance who DH knows texted asking after him. He replied saying all ok etc. Then she texted a couple of weeks later, and he told me she'd texted, but he didn't seem to respond to her. Then I think she texted again and he responded, but I didn't pay much attention at the time. I think he may even have called her while I was out as he mentioned something about a call, I can't remember exactly what.

Then a couple of weeks after this his phone pinged one evening while we were watching TV and he said it was her. He read it. Closed his phone. Said nothing. Had awkward body language. So unlike him.
So I later had a look at the thread and it sounds almost like she's hassling him, just for conversation I think. I know that she has a partner and DC and she lives in another country. Beyond that, and her name, I don't know anything else.

He had apologised for not texting her, saying that he'd been busy. There was a brief conversation which seemed normal. But her later messages started with 'Helloo??!!' and asking where he'd disappeared to and that he was obviously being kept busy. I don't want to say exactly what she said, but the message seemed to be designed as a mild dig at him, because he hadn't contacted her, rather than as a 'hello, I'm worried I haven't heard from you'.

I got the distinct impression that she had been used to regular talks with him and that she was now displeased that he wasn't contacting her.

But I thought that it was one of these acquaintance situations between them where you maybe catch up every few months.

It probably doesn't sound much, but I just compared it to our other messages checking in on people during lockdown, and the conversation sounds just 'normal' with them, and not the insistent sort of 'why haven't you texted me?' type, if you know what I mean?

I'm now beginning to over-think it, like wondering if she even knows he's married. Just putting myself in her shoes, I would no way send those sort of messages to a married man. It sounds almost needy.

Would you ask him about her messages or just leave it?

Why wouldn’t he have blocked her? Doesn’t sound like he wants to message her or that he’s interested

I don't think he would block a person unless it was a scammer as I think he would think it's kinda rude to block someone. I'm guessing, anyway, but that's probably what he would think.

Where does he know her from?

Are you worried they WERE closer in some way and now her responses are because he has tried to back away?

DH knows her through his previous work network but they never worked together.

I hadn't thought about him trying to back away, but I guess that is because I had never thought of them having a close relationship.

It does sound like she's a bit miffed that something she's been used to has now stopped. Her messaging style reads more like a needy woman who's not with a partner, as that's the first thing I thought - what on earth her partner would make of her messages - they sound a bit childish for a woman in her 40's maybe 50's even (I don't know exactly how old she is).

Definately odd. Maybe she is just a bit of an oddball. But if you're getting a weird feeling about it it might be worth doing some digging. How do you know she is married and in a different country? Not saying your partner is hiding anything but...

This forum is filled with women who's partners have told them some crazy ex/stalker wouldnt leave them alone. And its turned out they were having an affair and just trying to present this woman as a nutter/non issue so that their wife wouldnt think anything of it.

I would just ask your husband directly , he seems like he’s been quite open with you about contact with her thus far.

Are you sure the messages are from this actual person? Not sounding weird but I know of someone whose husband had a female acquaintance from work who messaged each other very rarely and usually about work. the woman moved abroad and so no need for any more messages. No chance of an affair or anything untoward like that.

But there was the odd one or two messages that cropped up after she had moved away and her DH said it was just her asking a few things about work/contracts etc or asking about a collegue. All sounded very normal.

Turns out, he had actually been chatting to another much younger woman, who he had stored in his contacts as this old collegues name. So if anything popped up on his phone my friend just thought it was the old collegue who she knew was just that and so thought nothing of it.

Until a few messages popped up when he had gone out to the shops without his phone and she felt something was off and she was able to have a little look and saw a convo he hadn't yet deleted. At first she thought it was the collegue until she realised after reading a few that the person was obviously very local and they had clearly been meeting.

It was so random, but he must have done it so that if a message accidently popped when he wasn't near his phone or something it was so easily explained away and my friend was likely to think nothing of it.

I hope its not that though. Perhaps its just a needy collegue who your DH hasn't been quite firm enough with. Perhaps suggest he replies with something like, yes been very busy with (your name) or something.

Thanks for your insight.

It is bothering me more than it probably should. I think his odd body language after he'd read her message made me feel like he was feeling worried and that made me feel concerned, mainly for him actually.

I only know she's got a partner and DC and in another country because DH said that about her. I have a vague memory that he might have even shown me a pic of her with her daughter on FB a few years ago.

I don't know if I should dig or leave it alone. Not sure what digging I could even do. I don't use social media. They message by SMS and WhatsApp.

DH knows her through his previous work network but they never worked together.

So why is he even in communication with her at all? It's weird and inappropriate, and you can tell something is up by his body language. You need to ask him about all this and what he's doing.

Blocking is for scammers and nutters.
The Hellooo??? Is firmly nutter territory if she is as H says just an acquaintance so he should be happy to block her and stop this escalating.

Unless he's dishonest and this woman has reason to think they are on better terms.

To me, it sounds like she had initiated contact that your dh assumed was a casual acquaintance irregular contact type of thing, but she didn't mean it that way and has read way more into his basic polite replies. He's now realised what's going on and doesn't know to get out of it without being rude so he's trying to phase her out. Which isn't working obviously.

Strange body language after reading that text, could just be 'a fuck what do I have to do to make her leave me along as this is getting embarrassing' reaction.

I'd suggest you speak to him and let him use the my wife doesn't like this get-out excuse.

What @Thingsdogetbetter said, 100%.

Then a couple of weeks after this his phone pinged one evening while we were watching TV and he said it was her. He read it. Closed his phone.

If he was having an emotional affair, this is exactly what he would do. As he couldn't safely send a lovey-dovey reply in front of you, or didn't want texting back and forth while you were there, just in case it made you suspicious.

Good call @me4real. When it's just a mate texting, you'd text back something, surely? I don't often read and not respond. At least text back something short and sweet when you're watching the telly. There are ways to make the mate aware that you're not available to text.

I can imagine with an affair, there needs to be more thought put into the response, so it's easier to close the thread and deal with your reply later.

All the opinions I received on here sound plausible, although I wouldn't expect him to be as devious as saving a previous name against a new contact. But for peace of mind I checked her WhatsApp profile pic. She doesn't remind me of the FB pic he showed me ages ago, but I can barely remember the image anyway so it could be her.

She seems younger than he made her out to be, but it could be an old photo she's using.

The point which got me really thinking is that someone on here asked why he is still talking to her. He has kept in contact with male acquaintances in this way, so I never gave it any thought. She was an old work network acquaintance who just happened to be female.

But now I think it's odd. After time, you lose connections with old work acquaintances and there's not much common ground, and conversations sort of die out, don't they? They have for me, anyway, and I have no male ex-work acquaintances like this.

Rather than ask him outright about this woman, does anyone think it would be better to try to get the conversation with him onto old work contacts, and try to find out what he knows about her now? It does seem like he doesn't want to speak to her, so maybe I shouldn't do that.

It's just bloody odd how she referenced his absence in her messages. Almost like you would if you saw someone weekly and then that person disappeared for a couple of months. But she lives 400 miles away. They weren't seeing each other at all.

From what you’ve said OP, he’s trying to lose contact with her but she’s being persistent in contacting him.

I’d just be honest and say you noticed he doesn’t seem happy when he gets a message from this woman and you are happy to help him cut her loose with advice from a woman’s perspective on how to reduce/stop contact without it harming any future work prospects or projects. After all, we deal with men pestering us inappropriately frequently! So I’m sure you have more practice than he does when a work mate of opposite sex is getting the hints.

*is not getting the hints. Typed too fast.