I cant stand my husband

[minniemouseshouses]

Hi all,

I am desperately seeking advice for my home situation.

Been married since winter 2015. Had an ok relationship. Spent lots of time apart due to his work which took him travelling a lot without me which frankly I’ve been happy with. Was financially dependent on him for a good 5 years. I fell in love with someone else at work around 2017, he found out via various texts we sent each other (no physical relationship). He got upset of course, and I got scared of losing him, promised I wouldn’t do it again, didn’t, but have never forgotten the man I fell for. We didn’t really process this well and it wasn’t really talked about again. Definitely put a huge scar on the relationship. We had an ok year after that with me trying to “win him back”.

Now, we have drifted more apart. We haven’t had sex since 2017. Kissed maybe once or twice. Never touch each other, do not talk about sex at all, elephant in the room kind of thing. I don’t find him physically attractive.

1,5 years ago he moved abroad for a new job with significantly better pay. He has a flat on his own there, whilst I am living in our rented flat in the UK. He took most of his stuff with him. I was okay with the decision he took, Because I wanted to be alone and preferred not being in his company. After 1,5 years of this I feel I want to be alone. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him as I see no future with him. We don’t speak about kids. That convo stopped when we stopped having sex. I want kids but not with him. He’s a kind man but neglectful (so am I) and we basically have nothing in common not even sharing a flat. He never talks about the future but will suddenly mention a house or place in his country that he wants us to move to. Has not asked if I’d ever be comfortable moving from there UK (have always lived here with my family literally across the street).

I haven’t seen him for 6 months and he blames the pandemic , but travel is possible for married couples. I don’t really want to see him. He makes it out as it’s impossible to see each other. I wish he’d see that we should be apart. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I really want a divorce. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about this as it’s embarrassing . I just want it to be over with. I don’t know why he isn’t thinking the same/acting on it.

God knows what I want with this post. What should I do, basically, should I just rip the bandaid off, HOW do I do this?

Thank you for reading 🤎

Just tell him that you want a divorce. He doesn't really want to stay with you. If he did, he'd be here in this country with you. It's easy. Just do it.

He has already left you . You just need to get the formalities done. You are lucky he has continued to pay for you . Time to grow up and support yourself.

Divorce him then. No point staying married to someone you don’t like and don’t see. I’m not really sure what the dilemma is.

Sorry, I wasn’t clear, he did support me financially but I am not financially independent paying all my own bills and flat.

Thank you for all Your replies. I do know this. And you are right, it’s not a dilemma. I am just being a coward as I don’t want to hurt his feelings, his mum and dads feelings, cause upset for everyone else around. I guess that is what is keeping me just faking it.

🤎

I am NOW financially independent, sorry everyone for the typo

I don't think you'll be hurting anyone's feelings - you are married on paper, that's it. This isn't a relationship and you are leading completely separate lives.

I struggle to see what you're holding on to tbh.

Thanks, I totally see everyone’s point. I do think it will come completely out of the blue for him though. I think he will be really hurt that the marriage failed. But yes I really see now how this looks from the outside and it’s clear as day to you all.

🤎

Yes, clear as day, it's the easiest split in history. You seem to have little in the way of assets, no children, no sex and you seemingly even have two sets of cutlery etc. I know it feels different from the inside but how can anyone consider this a relationship, let alone a relationship worth saving. Just start the divorce.

You’re already split. You’re just playing at being marrried, just take the conversation op.

Doesn't sound like you even gave this marriage a fair chance. You were financially dependant on him but having affair, charming. Just call it a day.

But the marriage has already failed? You don’t live together, have sex or communicate.

You are already separated, all that needs doing now is the formalities. You can do it on-line for peanuts. The awkward bit is telling him. I'd recommend having a few wines for dutch courage and then give him a call. You can say it nicely. Job done.

Your marriage has been over for years, proceed with divorce and find someone you love and want to spend time with.

Thank you 🤎🤎🤎

Surely he won’t be hugely surprised?!

Do formalise it though those that drift on being legally married but in reality separated are a legal nightmare to deal with..

It sounds like you want him to end it out of guilt so you have a decision to make. Wait for him or get the ball rolling yourself. You sound definite it’s what you want so be brave and do it.

I don’t know why he isn’t thinking the same/acting on it.

Why aren't YOU acting on it? You're not a passive spectator in your own life.

I wouldn’t actually class this as a relationship op, you’ve already separated

You’re flogging a dead horse. Sounds like you’ve both drifted apart but one of you needs the balls to end it. Maybe you should make that decision and move on.

Thank you all for the kind response. this must sound crazy from outside, hence I really appreciate everyone giving such honest but kind comments.

I will act on this, in my own time. I suggested today that I found it strange he hasn’t come to visit me, and also that I haven’t gone to him - without aggression or blame put on him (more putting it on myself). He was surprised to hear me voice it, and made me feel stupid for even bringing it up. I find it plausible that he is in denial more so than me. But I do feel I planted a seed that I am not happy.

I suffer from being extremely non confrontational and scared of upsetting anyone, I’d rather live miserably than upset other people. I am picturing the conversations with him, over the phone or facetime, subsequent calls with family etc. It’s painful stuff. But I do realise that I am hurting everyone more in the long run by not acting on this. My family is very religious and they won’t be happy, but I think they will understand.

Thank you again.

I think most people will be sympathetic to your situation, so don't worry. If I was your friend, I would thinking that this is a relationship that has died. Often it's the people in the relationship that realise last. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your reply.

I will speak to a close friend today and share. I need to talk to someone in RL to muster up the courage I think. It’s going to be a painful one for us all but you are right, this cannot go on.

I appreciate all your advice.

OP,

Your marriage has been over for years.
All you are doing now is finalising the split.

Don't be lectured by your family.

He moved to another country and bought a home there.
Your family are in denial if they think you are still married.

Stop wasting your life.
Best of luck.

sorry to derail the thread - is travel possible at the moment for married couples?!? my husband is abroad and we assumed he wouldn't be allowed back (we have a 10 month old baby he hasn't seen for 4 months!)

Of course he can, if he is a citizen of the country you and baby are staying in.