Do we share what's going on between us with our parents?

[Utka]

DH and I are currently going through a really tough patch. DH has been going to Relate on his own and we are about to move on to couples counselling there.

We both have a really good relationship with our parents and respective in laws and are getting a huge amount of support from them. The thing is that DH feels that he feels he should now share with them the depth of what is going on. They currently think that his unhappiness is to do with work / life balance issues, whereas there is much much more going on underneath. His instinct is not to keep anything from them and he's happy for me to share details with my parents.

I am concerned that when (not if!) we get through this, I don't want my relationship with my in laws or his relationship with my parents, to be coloured by this. I think that there are things that should remain between us. He feels that it would be dishonest not to share it all with them, and given that some of the issues are to do with trust and honesty (his), I can understand what's driving this. We also have Relate counsellors on both sides of the family (!) so are kind of used to sharing stuff, but maybe this is too much? Is it fair to them?

Does anyone else have any experience of this?

point out to him that it would pratically imposible for each set of parents to remain impartial! their first loyalties would almost inevitably be with their child, it would be , as you say, so sad if your respective in-laws became at all hostile as it would be very difficult to un-say any thing when your troubles are sorted out.

don't do it! They will remember and use it against you many many years down the line

if your child came to you and slagged off (in however a nice - well thought out and rounded way) their partners shortcomings - how would you feel?

your family is you him and children - everyone else should be secondary -

he should thinnk about the burden he would be putting on them for the future relationship of the families

he should think about their feelings and your feelings

this is a stupid idea.

my dh and i went through the toughest time ever - i neer told my nan who was and is the closest thing i have int he world - as i didn't want to hurt her - i didn't want her to worry for me

how rubbish is it to tell someone you love that you are in a shit place - then leave and they can't do a ddamned thing about it?

shit

Thanks for all of this. I didn't think about the 'taking sides' issue. I actually don't think they would, but maybe I am being naive.

Without going into details, I feel hugely compassionate towards DH in terms of where he is currently (I am actually quite surprised at how little anger there is, but maybe that comes later - he only fully explained what's been going on last night). I think I am assuming that they too will feel compassion (because one parent in each case is a Relate counsellor), but of course, they may well not. Would I feel compassion if it was my daughter who was on the receiving end of this heartache? Suspect not.

I love DH and am fully committed to sorting this out, but I think we should be cautious.

I just want to say that if you tell a parent/IL something about OH, they will have a struggle to forgive/forget it even after you have done so yourselves.

Perhaps you can ask them for help so you can spend more time together?

hmm...if they are counsellors/have experience of the counselling process, would it not be enough to say ' we are going to realate and working through some really difficult stuff at the moment. we dont want to keep things from you but it is very raw at the moment and when things are clearer and stronger we will share them with you?' I think that might be the best plan, you need to work out what is going on for the 2 of you before widening the circle ime. and i am counsellor! (though person centred and reall shouldnt be offering advice...)

Yes crokky I think you are right. The more I think about this, the more certain I am that we shouldn't tell them everything. DH says that his parents know it's more than just the work thing (because he broke down whilst visiting them recently). Mine don't because I haven't wanted to break confidences.

I don't have a problem with either set knowing that it is a relationship thing. Both our families have too much Relate history for that to faze them (except that they may of course jump to conclusions about the extent of the problem).

Both families are already being super - having the children to stay so we can be together, ringing us for chats etc. I think this is why DH feels he should be levelling with them - that it's only fair. But I'm in a better state than him emotionally at the moment (just), so maybe I have to take the lead on this one. He's asked my opinion and said he's happy to be led by me.

Moopymoo - that's such a good way of expressing it (as I read it I almost knew you must be a counsellor!) Thank you so much.

good luck relate are very good ime.

I think moopymoo has a good way to put it.

If things are rough and raw, then it will be hard for either of you to express the situation to your parents in a neutral and considerate way.

Having more people you can talk about problems with is a good thing, and you are both very lucky indeed to have such supportive parents, and to have such good relationships with them.

But still, I'd be nervous about sharing too much ...

Has to be a decision that you are both happy with.

Personally I couldn't. What goes on in my relationship with dh is for us to deal with.

But you do have to think about the implications of sharing everything with them. They may be counsellors, but dealing with information about your nearest and dearest is likely to be very hard for them to deal with in an objective way.

I decided that I am happy to share the fact that we are going to go to Relate together (which I think both sets of parents suspected would be the case, since they know how it works!). But I am reluctant to go into too much detail, because I don't want it to colour their opinion of him or me.

I explained this to DH last night, using moopymoo's exact phrase, and DH agreed. So now I just need to find a good time to talk to my parents. They aren't round the corner, so it will have to be over the phone.

The funny thing is that I do feel able to share more of the detail with a couple of close friends. I am still holding off though, because I don't feel it's fair to burden them. One in particular is half of a couple of very good friends who like and respect DH a lot. I don't want to jeopardise our friendship.

I guess that's why counselling can be so useful. To be able to go and talk things through with someone who is completely objective and won't repeat it to anyone else.

I feel as though I'm in freefall at the moment, but it's really helped to have support from other mumsnetters. Thank you.

I'm really impressed by your obvious love, compassion and respect for your dh. I DO hope that you work things through so that you manage to stay together if that's what you want.

My dh and I went to Relate a few years ago for lots of reasons, and although we didn't need to see anyone for long, it was a real eye opener for each of us to listen and really hear the other's point of view in an impartial and non-judgmental environment. For us it was like having a light switched on, so we could see which way to go, and we both found it helpful.

WE told people about it afterwards, partly because we felt it was stigmatised to admit to seeing a counsellor and we wanted to challenge that; but also so that people didn't take sides in any way.

Good luck - keep us posted!

Thanks TMD. I have to admit to feeling a bit angry too sometimes, but the excellent Relate book I have (wedding present from my dad says this is absolutely normal, so I am feeling reassured. Apparently we're experiencing the equivalent of a bereavement - for our old relationship - and have to go through all these stages before the new one begins.

I agree totally with you about the stigma of counselling. I spent quite a bit of today ringing my parents, brother and sister to explain (again using moopymoo's phrasing). They all took it really well. My sister said that there is nothing either of us can do that would affect how they feel about us - which is great. I'm still glad we're not testing this though, by revealing everything.

I just wish we could get the session time sorted so that I know when it is going to be. Not feeling able to discuss much with DH (because of not wanting to pre-empt stuff with the counsellor) is proving very hard. I suspect this is going to be a medium to long term process but I hope our experience is as positive as yours.

I hope so too. It isn't easy leaving one phase behind, is it, as everything that is familiar is being abandoned too (scary), and to be honest the memory never quite goes away. But for what it's worth I feel we are stronger now, and able to communicate more honestly, and that is worth having a couple of years of flux and emotional upheaval for - easy for me to say that NOW, I know!

Stay strong and focussed and remember what your long term hope is. Is there someone in RL you can lean on a bit who won't judge you and who will accept the emotional blow out you might occasionally need?

I've only just realised this year (6 years on) how much of a star one particular friend was. I wrote and thanked her but when I look back, I'm not sure I would have kept it together without her.

You sound lovely - I do so hope it all ends up fine for you. Keep us posted from time to time if you need to.

I have 2 friends locally who are being fantastic. I have now shared pretty much everything with them and it has helped as I still don't want to share stuff with my parents. Mum and Dad are coming over in the week which is lovely - I just hope I can stay strong and not give too much away. I know they are worried about me.

Since starting this post things have got even worse. DH went for his relate session yesterday and came home with the news that the counsellor thinks he has lots more to do by himself before we can go together. So the suggestion is that I go by myself to see someone. Then we will have to go together to see a third counsellor. DH is very low because he thought we were about to make progress - and he worried about the effect on me.

What is hardest though is that it transpires DH has been having a relationship with someone else. Not sexual, a friendship through work that started platonic and has become much much more. I thought at first I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't sexual, but the emotional betrayal has overwhelmed over the last few days. I feel fear, despair, anger, bewilderment, all at once.

DH had been going to tell me, as agreed with his counsellor, and then I asked him directly if there was anything I needed to be aware of before we went for counselling together. I said I didn't want to learn something for the first time in a session. So he told me.

The plan had been that he was going to meet this person on Monday to tell them that he couldn't see them again, so that we could focus on the couples sessions together. But now I think he wants to review this. He has been relying on this relationship for emotional support so doesn't want to cut it off completely. I feel though that even though there is going to be a delay in the couples sessions, the intent is still there, so the commitment to break things off should be kept. Otherwise I think I will feel as though I have this open wound with salt running into it, with no prospect of knowing when or if the pain will stop.

Am very very low this morning. Haven't slept more than 2 hours. The thought of them together makes me physically sick.

Thank you TMD for your support. It is so wonderful to be able to write all this down and know that people out there are reading it and thinking of you.