How does it work? Ending relationship 6.5 months pregnant, necessary.

[Everym]

Good morning.

I had a previous thread on here called ‘pregnant and stoner DH’ (name changed) which I was identified IRL from. It was members of my family rather than his, I do not care about being outed again at this point as I know I have done nothing wrong. Other than being a push over.
In the post, I fudged details like we are married (we are not) but the facts are :

• Together 6 years with a 10 year age gap, he is now 37.
• We live in a lovely house which I inherited. Legally, it is mine. Suspect DP feels emasculated by this. Would never afford such a place otherwise. Will love raising baby there.
• I have a lovely, supportive family.
• I am not financially dependent on DP.
• DP was married before, no kids and the marriage was short.
• DP smoked cannabis for 20 years, length of time unbeknownst to me until a month ago when it came to blows. Addiction issue.
• I did smoke weed with him prior to getting pregnant. I do not claim to be a virtuous human being with no faults of my own. Yes I did know about his habit prior to conceiving baby, he holds down a good job and functions as anyone else does. The more you smoke the higher your tolerance/ability to function. It became normal.
• Comments on my old post (removed now) ranged from ‘get outta there ASAP’ to ‘this is your own fault’ to ‘poor 1st DC!’

Yes, more fool me for getting pregnant and thinking he would be a suitable father. At my lowest I’ve wished I wasn’t pregnant. I feel ashamed for thinking that. I know I love my baby and his needs come before anyone else’s including my own. I am worried about myself and the welfare of my baby, NOT what other people think about smoking cannabis I could not give a flying fuck... There was one commenter who argued it was a case of me being judgmental and intolerant of his drug use, funnily enough she had no partner or children and smoked on the regular herself for MH problems.
Nope.
I will not have baby held by a man who is stoned and stinks of pungent weed. I will not have baby driven around by a man who smokes weed in his car like a cigarette, driving under the influence. Smoking weed recreationally with a partner (no kids) in my earlier twenties isn’t extra ordinary behaviour. I am not a hypocrite. Just stupid.
There may be parents out there who bring up happy or well adjusted kids with smoking an occasional spliff, power to them. But my DP does not have the capacity to have a healthy relationship with the stuff.

SO

1 month ago (he appeared home with 2 spliffs after working away, we’d had explicit conversations about him stopping immediately which he was seemingly agreeable to)
I made the above boundaries clear to DP. He said he wants to stop and will do. There are issues with his temper and I partly put this down to ‘coming off’ the weed. I have to exert a HUGE amount of energy, self control and patience into keeping calm and speaking the truth without any hint of an accusatory tone - otherwise, he flips his lid. Language foul. Frightening. Big bloke. Physically imposing. Slamming doors. Walking away because it’s the best he can do to manage his anger but before he walks away there’s blind rage which would scare anyone. Our dog will not be near him now and she is anxious around him, imagine how our baby will feel? I won’t let it happen.

He DID STOP for 2 weeks, then, he came back stinking of it again (he had to admit it) and I issued an ultimatum that if it happens one more time I’ll end the relationship. He insisted it was a one off, I should be happy as he’s done it for 20 years ‘poor me I’ve done so well! Nothings good enough for you, Everym!’. Laughable. Yes, none of this healthy for a newborn nor me as I come into the 3rd trimester. I’ve never felt so stressed and unhappy in all my life. I said that should he behave in such an angry and frightening way again with his anger, he will be asked to leave as my baby comes first I will not have my DC around it full stop. He said he’d walk away and not let it get to that point and that he understands it’s not acceptable for our son or me to be around.

Last week, he mentioned he was going to pick some weed up for his mate, I was livid and he blew up. I could not stay calm after the events over the weeks prior, after everything we’ve spoken about he was around it again. I stayed at a family members. Next day. Another ultimatum, promises made etc etc. Yes I should have ended it before it got to this point. He did not pick up the weed for his mate and explained he’s keeping away from it for baby. Placated me somewhat.

I had a nasty fall which required hosp admission to MAU and ever since bad sciatica and bad back. I am only capable of walking our dog once a day now (she needs it twice high energy breed). Last week, he went to the pub 6/7 days in the week, he goes to work at 6am and back for 3pm. Past week he’s spent 3 hours drinking every day and back for 6pm. I explained I need help with the dog as well as emotional support, I have been feeling extremely low and anxious about the state of our relationship.
All he can respond with is ‘I thought it was sorted, we dealt with it didn’t we or is there something else now?’. He does not care about me being pregnant I don’t think, no concern or love for me, just feeling nagged. Man child who can’t take responsibility.

Yesterday was the last straw, I woke up in tears after shitty sleep (usually I hide it from DP as he gets defensive if I’m upset like he can’t win or do anything right - ‘you’ve got me to stop smoking, that’s not good enough now you’ve a problem with me going to the pub! I can’t win! Bullshit! Sick of this!’). I was in tears because of the tough week we’d had before and said this to him, usual response that it’s sorted now why you getting upset for? You’re pregnant - not ill.
He spent the afternoon in the pub from 12.30 - 6pm. He was able to be nice in the morning as I was struggling emotionally and said he’d be back early as he was going early so he can help me walk the dog. Never happened. I text him and got defensive texts back. Had a go at me for not being there when he got home, ‘Oh sound my fault again then’ I replied : ‘Will speak to you tomorrow, upset atm and we will not have a healthy conversation after you’ve been in the pub all afternoon so best to leave it’. Let him stay in the house and I’ve stayed at a family members again. Cue text messages about him having to order a takeaway and he works so hard I could at least be there when he’s home. I ignore them.

Hahahaha honestly how ridiculous is all of this though at breaking point and could laugh or cry

At this point I have no choice but to end the relationship. He is too selfish, too self entitled, too weak, too angry, too little empathy to be a good dad and has proven he is not a good partner a thousand times over. Luckily I am not tied to him. It is a recipe for disaster. My family have previously persuaded me he’ll change when the baby is here, it’s hard after smoking for all that time, he’s getting the pub out of his system after lockdown and before baby’s born. At this point, however, they agree with me and enough is enough, mainly due to the constantly state of distress I’m in with how he behaves and how no issue can be resolved as he only cares about himself. Truly believe he’d be happiest single again with his mates at the pub older or same age as him who are divorced with nothing to go home to. He can then smoke cannabis and drink all he likes which is the only thing which makes him happy. Can’t go into the third trimester feeling like this as the baby WILL be affected the poor thing if he hasn’t been already. I feel awful. Yesterday I had pains on one side of my bump when I got those texts and explained what had happened to my family. Never felt so angry.

Can’t bury all these issues down in hopes DP will be a changed man when the baby is here as he wont, it will all get worse. I will be a good mum. Baby deserves a calm and confident mother who isn’t walking on eggshells with a man child to look after too.

(If you’ve got this far, thank you. Please don’t be harsh in the comments if you reply, I’ve had a round of fucks from DP about feeling any sort of way for weeks and I am beating myself up enough already thanks) my QUESTIONS...........::.:......:...

• Can any mums experienced and wiser than me offer any advice?

• Has anyone else spilt up whilst pregnant from an emotionally abusive partner?

• We are not married, can I make an informal document/agreement stating terms of contact?

I.e I am not comfortable with DP driving with baby due to his drug use. I am not comfortable with DP seeing baby without his mum and dad there too due to his drug use, which will undoubtedly resume when I end the relationship (possibly today)

• Is there any support in the UK for this type of situation if unmarried?

• Has anyone stayed with a piece of shit like my DP hoping it’d get better, did it? Didn’t it? Did you wish you’d left before DC was born?

• Do I have to go through an official route I.e social services or courts???

• How do I deal with his family? I feel sorry for his mum, she will be devastated about the whole situation and has previously been so excited about another grandchild. They have NO idea about the cannabis use. It will really shock them and I suppose it’s protected him up to now, well, I’ve protected him in not saying anything.

• What the hell should I do ???????

I'm not an expert on relationships or the drug use, but I think for your sake you need to separate before the baby is born. He is unreliable, unkind and unhelpful.

Can you ask him to leave and would he do so?

Again, not an expert, but being married or not isn't relevant to child contact. My understanding is that initially you can agree contact between you and there is only a need to involve courts if there is an unresolvable dispute. Do you think he is likely to agree to what you put forward?

My first thoughts are that you need legal advice on how to get him out your house, making sure he has no claim on anything, and on what terms can be placed on contact with your child. You say your family identified you in your earlier post. Are they being supportive or are they blaming you? How close are they? Even if they can offer a little practical support like walking the dog it will be one less thing to think about. If you were my DSis or Dd I'd be helping you fling him out. If family not supportive do you have other real life support? Even talking to your midwife about it would be a start.

You are in a good positon, You made a mistake I wouldn't get too hung up on it but i'd try and make good choices from here.

Do you think he will want custody or even be interested?
If you can afford not to claim CSA I'd try and just agree to go it alone and hope he fucks off into the night quietly like the loser he is.

If not, personally, I'd be moving heaven and earth to restrict access as i have seen on here how much access unfit fathers are given so i would be actively creating a paper trail including incriminating texts/emails and I'd stop placating him so he can rage and scream - let the neighbours see and hear and call the police. Every. Time. I'd also kick him out, he has no claim. Again, any messing phone the police.

Can you ask him to leave and would he do so?

I need to ask him to leave but I am frightened of his reaction. I secretly filmed his last angry outburst. I might do the same for more evidence as he completely turns every issue round on me it’s confusing and exhausting.

Are they being supportive or are they blaming you?

My family are being supportive of me overall and I know I would never struggle being a single mum. Some are more traditional and say baby needs to have a dad around. They feel uncomfortable about us splitting up before baby born. My mum, for example, is determined I end it as feels the same as me and says it would be for the better.

Do you think he will want custody or even be interested?

I can’t tell at the moment. My feeling is that HIS family would push for him to have custody/involvement and make me the bad guy for not giving him a chance to be a Dad. However. They are not aware of the situation as a whole at this point I’m quite happy informing them and showing them the videos of him kicking off.

I do not need to claim CSA and can afford not to. My family and I have said DP will always be my baby’s father and that we wouldn’t stop him seeing him as it wouldn’t be fair. Whether he deserves that or not is a different matter. Understand your point about placating him, he does not deserve the patience in giving him. But it is seriously so scary when he kicks off but it would evidence exactly what I’m saying I’m in two minds

End of the day I need to be stronger

Don’t put him on the birth certificate

You are doing great, everything you have written is sane and sensible. Fantastic news that you have your own home and you are not married to this guy, that makes a huge difference to your security. First step is to safely end the relationship and get him out of your home.

I would have a conversation with his mother and tell her everything, she could be a useful ally (or not) but give her the chance. As much help you can get from trusted people is important. He should not be getting any unsupervised access to your baby once they are born. If his mother is on board, and knows the real situation then she may be able to help with this, he could have a couple of hours a week under her supervision when you are ready to allow this. If he wants more than this he would have to pursue it through the courts and with a newborn his options will be limited. I wouldnt worry about it much at this stage. Try to get some evidence of his drug use and abusive behaviour (texts, emails etc), could be useful if it comes up at a later date.

If you want to maintain maximum control don't put him on the birth certificate. Then he has to prove paternity before anything else. Although I am not sure where this leaves you in terms of child support - have a look online and see how much this would be (based on his salary) and if you want to pursue it.

And dont worry, you will be great, and once you have your baby all doubt will melt away and protecting them will seem the most natural thing in the world. But if you do find yourself struggling with excess fear and depression after the birth (which is quite common if you have had stressful pregnancy) speak to a doctor and get antidepressants to help you through, they are magic for PND.

He’s swopped weed for the booze
It’s pretty common with addictions to swop one addiction for another one .
Most likely though he will smoke weed at the pub and drink as well

If you aren’t married then just get rid of him - if you are the longer you stay with him the more he is able to claim from your house
And he will - you may have to buy him out so just get rid of him .
Enjoy the last few months of your pregnancy - because you won’t while your with a stoner and alcoholic.
Put it this way - it’s not going to get any better only worse
But if this is what you want for your baby that has no choice then crack on

I think it's probably better to ask him to leave now, before the baby arrives as it isn't going to be easier to deal with when you are recovering from the birth and have a tiny baby.

When asking him to leave, don't get into a discussion about it, just find a phrase you can repeat about the relationship being over for you, and that he needs to leave.

If you don't put his name on the birth certificate he won't have parental rights. He would need to take legal action to prove he is the father and get his name added. Then he would be able to go to court for contact.

"I need to ask him to leave but I am frightened of his reaction. I secretly filmed his last angry outburst. I might do the same for more evidence as he completely turns every issue round on me it’s confusing and exhausting."

Involve other people, family friends etc - have them all there and get him out together. Dont be alone with him. And change all the locks afterwards for your own peace of mind. Perhaps your mum and dad could come and stay with you for a while or you go to theirs.

You called him a piece of shit 😂
Honestly ask yourself why do you want a weed smoking piece of shit as the father of your child
Raise the bar - if not for you for your poor unborn child who has no say in having a stoner for a father .
Your in an excellent position being mortgage free and not married . Don’t waste it

Stop staying away from your house and letting him stay there.

In your shoes I’d tell him to leave. You can work out if you want to have a relationship going forward and his contact with the baby as you go, but it sounds like he’s replaced weed with alcohol.

My family and I have said DP will always be my baby’s father and that we wouldn’t stop him seeing him as it wouldn’t be fair.

There shouldn’t be a we in this sentence. This is your baby. Be careful not to let too many people have too many opinions.

It’s your life and your child. By all means gather support and advice from people, but they don’t get to make decisions like that.

As for his Mum - a lot of people on here will tell you her contact with your baby should ge through him, but I facilitated my ex MILs relationship with my girls. She’s an amazing Gran and I knew she’d be a good thing in their lives. As it is she’s been a part of their lives always whereas her fuckwit son hasn’t. So don’t rule that out, just keep in mind (especially early doors) that he’s her son so her loyalty will be there. You may find though her loyalty to her grandchild trumps that in the end, it did with mine.

It doesn’t sound like you would be able to trust him not to be drinking or smoking before/during looking after his child so I wouldn’t be too generous in making decisions about contact. If he’s not interested at all (not likely to be based on what you’ve said) then even better.

It is your house.
You are not married.
He has no rights.
He is using you and abusing you.
You are entitled to make him leave and change the locks.
Family members who disagree are wrong.
Don't put him on the birth certificate. I doubt he will make any effort to arrange contact or pay any CM.

You need to keep proof of everything. Keep all texts he has sent. Keep all proof of drug use. At this point I would pack his bags when he's at the pub and get rid of him, and j wouldn't give the baby his last name or put his name on the birth certificate.
Honest wouldn't tell his family yet. They may guilt him into behaving for a while and you will give in because you feel sorry for them. Don't! Bot your problem.
Let him take you to court for access. He won't get over nights until the baby is older anyway.
Can you afford a lawyer? Do you have family help?
I haven't been through this but have friends who have been through similar.

I'm sorry you're having such a rubbish time. Having smoked weed for 25 years I get where you are coming from, and no - he shouldn't be driving etc whilst smoking. His issues are obviously manifesting themselves in a way that is frankly not acceptable. You sound like you are making the only viable decision for you and your baby.

What is your relationship like with his family? Would you be able to speak to them before him and asking for their help to manage him out of your house? You clearly want to keep a relationship going here as it will make it easier for you and your baby in the long term. Showing them the video is what I would do too while asking for their support to remove him.

Good luck to you and I hope you manage to resolve this with the minimum of grief.

So I thought my DS's dad would man up and ditch the booze, or at least cut down on it, after DS was born. He didn't, in fact it got much worse, I ended it when DS was 3. He died when DS was 13.
I'm glad I got out when I did, my son is a lovely, well adjusted lad who makes me proud.
Addicts don't magically sort their lives out when they become father's, in fact the added pressure they feel around being a parent can make them turn to their vice more.
So, my advice would be to end this asap. If he has a big epiphany and sorts himself while you are apart - I'd give it at least a year, with lots of proof of working on things - you could consider taking it slow and dating at that point, if you're still interested by then.
Basically, if he can't give up after he's lost his home and family over it, there's unlikely to be anything on earth that will make him want to. You have to withdraw all the support you've been as that just enables him. Now you need supportive people around you.
Imagine how crap new motherhood will be if you can't leave your baby with him at all as he's too unsafe. You will end up a hermit, as the idea of getting one of your family, or a trusted friend to shaparone your DP while you go shopping, attend appointments, work or just visit friends, is ludicrous, so you'll end up staying in and doing everything yourself all the time, as I did, until I got fed up of it and saw the light.
You've already given him too many ultimatums, so he won't believe your next one either at first, so you will have to stick to your guns and show him you mean it.

Actually, I worded that wrong as the time for ultimatums has passed. He needs to know he's blown his chances now. No more ultimatums, no more promises. He has to work on this while you are apart to stand any chance of a future with you.

If later you want to restrict his access due to drug use (eg supervised contact, no driving) you need to get the issues evidenced now.

Keep all emails/texts from him that admit drug use
Tell your midwife and/or GP everything about any drug use and abusive behaviour.

I would ask him to move out, and don’t make any agreements or arrangements about contact until after the baby is born.
If you don’t put him on the birth certificate it will mean he will have to prove his commitment later and actually bother to apply for it.

Honestly you are in the best position.
It's your house, you aren't married and you don't need his money.
Change the locks, pack up his stuff and get rid.
Call the police any and every time he threatens you. Tell your midwife what your situation is.
Don't put him on the birth certificate. I would be willing to bet he won't push to be involved.
Let him get on with his self destruction if that's what he wants. He can go hang around with his sad divorced mates at the pub.
Put your child first and do the best thing for them now.
Good luck, you can do this. You will look back and be so glad that you did.

@ineedaholidaynow

Don’t put him on the birth certificate

This

Why is it even a question? Get rid.

Your poor dog is terrified of him; he'll be traumatizing your infant next. Ffs get him out of that house.

The pair of you are not compatible, simples. He needs to move on.

Try and be easier on yourself. We all make mistakes. You were young when he met you, it's difficult to spot red flags when you've never experienced any before. That's what people like him rely on.
And people like him are called abusers. I'm sorry, he shows all the signs and will not change. It will NOT get better, only worse, as once baby is here you are trapped far better and he can really behave how he wants.
Anyone putting pressure on you to accommodate him does not have you and your baby's best interests in mind.
His mother's emotions are not yours to worry about. You and the baby are your priority. No one else.
Be prepared for many false promises. You will have to be firm and continue that way for a long while.

Please read Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That

Firstly, don’t beat yourself up. You know you’re going to be a good mom and are taking the right steps.

I left an abusive partner when pregnant and it was the best thing I ever did.

So:

1. find a way to get him out of your house. I suggest changing the locks and calling the police if he tries to force entry. In all likelihood he will turn aggressive based on your posts and this may get him in some trouble with the police, but that will be his fault/decision.

2. do not put his name on the birth certificate. You’re not married so don’t have to and he would have to go to court and get a DNA test to get himself added to it. He doesn’t sound especially driven to be honest, so I doubt he will do this. By not putting him on there he has no parental responsibility, you have 100% responsibility and can make your decisions for your son. This gives you a massive upper hand in any court proceedings that occur.

3. Breast feed - it cuts out any possibility of overnight stays whilst the baby is young.

4. only agree to supervised visits not alone time with the baby. Once you set a precedent with childcare arrangements that is often what is looked at by courts, so don’t give him unsupervised access unless he demonstrates for a lengthy period of time that he has sobered up and is safe to take his son out or have him in his sole-care.

I hold your family partly responsible for encouraging you to stay, thinking he would change. Yes the child needs a father but not one like that one. A child needs a good, stable, responsible, healthy, loving father.

So glad you have your own home. If you are scared of his reaction....then that says quite a bit doesn't it? In your situation I would ask the police for advise. Not sure how helpful they are.

I commented on your last thread and can see he hasn't changed, as we all thought. Picking up weed for a friend? Lol.....he loves his weed and his stoner friends more than you. And I can see he's managed to paint himself as the victim I see. What a loser.

Listen to your dog. She can sense the aggression and danger coming off him.