Coparenting not working

[ErinAoife]

Ex had the kids this weekend. He collected them 30 mn late, he always do that which really get on my nerves. Never sent a text to advise if he is going to be late despite I asked him many time to do it. He brought them back this evening 30 mn earlier (he always do that as well)minus the eldest (who is 18) no explanation why he wasn’t here. Daughter came back with her hair not washed (she only get her wash on Sunday) and she has a sunburnt on her face. Anyways, when putting my daughter to bed, she asked me a strange question, she wanted to know if you could die from drinking alcool,I told her yes but only if you drink too much. She then proceed to tell me that my eldest was acting weird and had been drinking at his dad and she was worried. I asked my other child who is 15 as my daughter is only 6 and he confirms that my eldest was according to him acting «autistic» during dinner because he had a few drinks with his dad. I haven’t contacted my ex as I am fuming about the situation and prefer to calm down before doing it. I am fuming because 1 - ex did not tell me the reason why my son wasn’t there. There is no communication with him. He will never say hello or goodbye to me unless I said it first.
2 - he shouldn’t allow our son to be drunk. I don’t care if our son has a drink with his dad but too many that is not acceptable and not telling me is unacceptable.
3- always late to collect the kids and always early to drop them back
4 - never back me up, we had issue with our middle kid in school with assignments not done, teacher contacted me, I told ex about it but as usual he blames teacher and not our kid.
5- despite reminding him to wash our daughter’s hair on Sunday, it is rarely done. He only have the kids one weekend every 2 weeks but it seems to be an impossible task for him to do.
6- ex is a selfish person, he always put himself first, no consideration for other and no problem lying to cover his stupidity and putting blame on others.

As you can see it will not be a good idea to contact him until I calm down. I am so fed up with everything, this week has been particularly hard for me and his attitude is making things more difficult

acting autistic what exactly does that mean?? apart from being offensive,
before I reply to anything else

Tbh the only issue of concern to anyone other than you is any possible drinking

Unfortunately I don't see what you can do/enforce. You can obviously raise it, do you think he will listen?

The issue with your DS sounds concerning however, why is your ex getting pissed during the day with his 18 year old son? Bit grim.

at some point what’s your anger doing? Does it change his behaviour?

Your oldest is 18. They could be in the pub pissed - so it’s their own choice surely?

The hair washing, just move it to a Monday those weeks.

Stop expecting him to be someone different. Doesn’t seem like he’s going to change, and you’ll spend your life angry.

By saying his brother is acting autistic, he compares his older brother attitude similar to his cousin who is autistic. In this instance, he did not means it offensive, he just said that his brother behaviour today was very similar of his cousin, that you need to watch him to make sure he did not do something that could have hurt him.
Regarding changing my daughter day to wash her hair, it is not as simple than that, I work full time and by the time, I am home makes dinner, tidy a bit the house I don’t really have time to wash her hair during the week. She has really long hair which takes ages to dry even with a hairdryer so that it is why it is done on Sunday as I don’t work that day.
I don’t understand the mentality to let an 18 years old get piss on a Sunday for no reason, they were not celebrating anything. I am right to be angry at his father for doing it, it set a bad example.

I think maybe you need to point out saying someone is acting autistic is inappropriate.
Yabu in trying to dictate everyone’s behaviour esp an 18yr old.
Your DD is there for two nights why the need to wash hair, just do it at home.

Comparing someone who is autistic to someone being drunk is not ok and you need to reinforce that.

18 year olds will get drunk. He's an adult. !you need to let him make his own choices. And you don't need to be told everything about what he does any more. You sound quite controlling tbh.

She has really long hair which takes ages to dry even with a hairdryer so that it is why it is done on Sunday as I don’t work that day.

I'd give her a more practical haircut.

The lateness/earliness is annoying but you know it's going to happen.

18 yo drink sometimes. It's not great, and I'd chat about safety, but it happens.

I just explain why my daughter need to have her hair wash at the weekend. I find it incredible that most of you think it is ok not to be told the reason why my son did not come home tonight because he is 18. That it is ok for his dad to get his son drunk because he is 18. My daughter was worried about her brother but that it is ok I should let it go because he is 18

Doesn’t him being 18 mean he’s no longer subject to court ordered handover? And that him coming and going with his siblings is for convenience?

It’s not great behaviour, but it’s also not behaviour directed at a child for whom you both have legal responsibilities. And with a 6yo you need to keep the handover civil for a good while yet.

I’m more concerned that if your ex was drinking with the 18yo, who was responsible for the 6yo?

I’m more concerned that if your ex was drinking with the 18yo, who was responsible for the 6yo?

Agree, that’s the problem.

And also agree that you should just have a shorter more practical hair style for your daughter. You can’t change your ex, but you can change some things that are causing you problems.

Your son is an adult and so it's up to him, both to explain (or not explain) his own movements, and to drink or not.

You can't control what your ex does in his contact time, so getting angry he doesn't wash your dd's hair as instructed is a waste of energy. If her hair cannot be managed in the time you have, she needs a haircut.

Unfortunately the guy is an ex for a reason, so you need to give up expecting cooperation from him, and just get on with it. No point getting riled up by him, presumably you couldn't change him while you were together, he won't change now either.

I can’t cut my daughter hair as she doesn’t want it. I done it once and she was so sad (she had lice) and the ex went mad. I was courteous and civil when he dropped the kids as I did not want to cause a scene in front of kids that is why I vent online. I have calm down and will talk to my son when he is home, talking to the ex is pointless. Regarding the concern about my daughter not being supervised, ex is stupid but not that stupid to be drunk when having the kids at the weekend, he only allow our son to be drunk and is not a bad dad

I have adult sins and you have to cut the apron strings.
They get drunk,do stupid things but that's just the way it is.

You can't change your ex,so big deep breaths where he's concerned.

The 6 year old hair,he's not going to do it so just pick another day.
If he drops them off early just do it then.