Why do I get annoyed when I know he won't change

[IFionlyhadbrains]

Every weekend I get annoyed at my DH's shitness with the kids. His expectation that I will do everything, and that he will just lie in bed/ on the sofa and ignore them. I think I manage to get through the weekdays, doing it all, him out working long hours and the fact that they don't even like sleep 😏, so they don't go to bed at 7pm. I can do it fine 💪 I love them, they are work though. However there is something about DHs attitude that makes me so angry and ruins the weekend. I know I should just ignore it, he won't change, why do I bring it up again? I've tried talking to him about missing out and he doesn't care. I just feel so dumb expecting some help or involvement that will never happen. Why do I get disappointed every weekend? Why do I expect a miracle ? Ive obviously an optimist.

I know I get tired during the week, and I think it should be easier to do the other life (or even dare I say it me stuff) that needs doing with my DH home. It obviously isn't and that's frustrating. Just I don't know why DH doesn't even do the lovely bits of looking after our kids ? Like having fun and playing together. Then I feel bad I'm in grump infront if the kids.

I'm a regular poster btw, but I've name changed of course and I've never posted about our relationship before. I think I've been ignoring it really.

"why do I get annoyed when I know he won't change?"

Because you don't want to face reality?

Because he's being annoying? Just because you know in advance he's going to do it/not do it, doesn't mean you shouldn't be annoyed. Although it is pretty pointless. You'd do better getting angry and harnessing that anger to create a better life for yourself.

Sounds like you’re annoyed at yourself for staying with such a useless, lazy, uncaring man. Why do you? Do you want your children thinking this is how men and women should behave and that dads are selfish and uninvolved while mums run themselves ragged? If you’ve got daughters do you not want better for them?

I used to find this with my exh. The only way to cope with this is not to expect him to do anything, that way you won't be disappointed. Obviously this isn't what you want, or how it should be, it's just how I coped.
Now there isn't a option of getting any help, it's actually easier as there is no expectation.
Sorry not much help really. Hope you find a solution

I totally agree I don't model a good relationship. I suppose I think it I leave I'll have half of what we have now (which isn't much.) I know it sound a bit sad as I want DH to step up, but I would be gutted to not see the kids at the weekend if we spilt. I don't want to be the one to lay in bed instead and have DH do everything, I just want an involved Dad for my DC. Some company.

@Joy69 I totally get you. I find it easier in the week doing it alone. Did you leave ?

If he can't be bothered with his children now, what makes you think he will want them EOW when you split up?

My oh is like this. Complete arse hole (trapped financially and with not much support). It's 100 times worse when he's at home because it makes how much he doesn't give a shit obvious and feels like a slap in the face. I now just plan things and don't tell him. He moans but I'm like why would you care anyway. He also gets in the way for example if I'm cooking he'll need to come in and stand in the way 100 times or say he'll watch the kids and then they're arguing or running riot and it's never his fault. It makes a simple job so much harder. It's also hurts so much that he doesn't seem interested in our kids. I'd do everything a million times over but it hurts I have to do it all myself because he doesn't care.

I just treat him like he's not there now but it took a big mental shift that took a long time for me and is easier said than done. It also helps that I'm plotting my escape 🤣

@PanamaPattie

If he can't be bothered with his children now, what makes you think he will want them EOW when you split up?

Well indeed. You ask him if he’s not worried about missing out on doing things with them - the children he jointly decided to bring into the world - and he says no he’s fine. What makes you think he’ll bother to give up his days in bed to parent them?

Actually, if he did, at least the DC would get a relationship with him.

At the moment you’re enabling his shitness. You don’t seem sure why.

You can either continue to put up with this shit, essentially being a single mother, feeling miserable, and setting a terrible example to your children, or you can leave the useless arsehole and actually be happy. The choice is yours.

IFionlyhadbrains I did leave, not just for that reason, but it contributed. I used to get up with the kids at the weekends & go on day trips without him as he wouldn't get out of bed.
Funnily enough now we have shared access he's really stepped up with the kids & is a great Dad. Maybe if he'd have done this when we were together our marriage may have worked.

Either leave or just live separate lives. Take them out at the weekend and do something fun away from that arsehole. Feed yourselves while you're out adn, kewvechim to fend for himself. Any grandparents that might be up for a short visit from the kids (once allowed) so you could hace an hour or two for yourself?

You're already effectively a single parent as it is. Would a break every other weekend really be so bad? Would he fight for more? Overnight stays? Some men do it out of bloody mindedness but others find even thst too much effort. They might only be gone a couple of hours each time!

It’s so so much nicer doing everything yourself when you don’t have that resentment any more. All the time he is there you will have the resentment which over shadows the day.
My ex stepped up a lot after we spilt. He has the children every other weekend. I love the break. He takes them out and cooks for them etc (unheard of when we were together) and I don’t feel any resentment at doing it alone the rest of the time. Win win.

He’s never going to change
The only person who can change the situation is you

@Babyfg I think I need to do the mental shift short term. Every week I think I won't get frustrated that he's lying in bed when I've been up since 5am. The thing is I don't mind being with the kids, but it should be easier at weekend with two parents to do a few bits. If I leave I won't be able to have the same lifestyle, as in work part time and do all the school runs and be at home with my youngest. I only work a couple of hours a day, it doesn't bring in much and we struggle financially already. We only have one car, no holidays, no fancy tv packages, so I'm sort of trapped by wanting to be with the kids. If I go to work full time and try and pay for everything solo, plus childcare and not seeing them I don't think that would make me happy. I'm happy when he's not here. It's so tough because he can be quite shouty if I call him out on his behaviour, then I feel I'm being a walkover if I don't say anything back, because I don't want loads of shouting or him being mega grumpy in front of the kids if I ask him to do anything with them.
Maybe I need to wait until My youngest is in school, but that's another 3 years and a bit. He didn't originally want me to be a SAHM, but I did

@Hermanfromguesswho

It’s so so much nicer doing everything yourself when you don’t have that resentment any more. All the time he is there you will have the resentment which over shadows the day. My ex stepped up a lot after we spilt. He has the children every other weekend. I love the break. He takes them out and cooks for them etc (unheard of when we were together) and I don’t feel any resentment at doing it alone the rest of the time. Win win.

I bet. I never wanted to be a single parent, but I really want to be now. I think DH is capable, just lazy.

why does your dh behave like this? because he can. because he knows no matter how much of a shitshow he creates you will not stop it. why should he change? he has it so easy in respect of the home and the children. so if he isnt going to change then you either have to accept it as it is or change it. there is no other third option here. He isnt going to wake up tomorrow morning and be anything like what he should be in relation to you, the children, your home or anything else. just waiting for him to change is wasting your life and your childrens. they may be too small to see whats going on for now but as they get older their behaviours will start to mirror his. no one wants that to happen. So, its up to you really - find a way of living a sort of half life that you can cope with or instead of spending the time wondering why he is like he is, or if he is going to change or a million other ifs you spend it working out your exit. please dont let this drag on until your children start to treat you in the same way. you deserve a better life than this.

What mummymeister said is right. Your kids will soon start treating you as the house skivvy too.

Him getting shouty when you ask him to step up works for him, as he knows you'll shut up to stop the kids getting upset.

The only way is to plan on being an 'officially' lone parent and take steps towards that goal.

My ex behaved like this , would go to work as I did , and do the bare minimum in the house and with the kids at any opportunity. I was so frustrated and resented him so much it got to the point I couldn't actually bare the sight of him . Honestly he will not change and you deserve to be happy , you really would be better off with him out of the house .

If I leave I won't be able to have the same lifestyle, as in work part time and do all the school runs and be at home with my youngest. I only work a couple of hours a day, it doesn't bring in much and we struggle financially already.

You'd have one less enormous mouth to feed, you'd be entitled to some welfare benefits for being on a low wage, you'd also have child maintenance possibly off him, and possibly extra time to work (if that's best) when they're with him, there'd be 25% less council tax to pay as only one adult and you might be living in a cheaper property for utility bills, you might also have more energy to work when you're not feeling resentful and worn out cooking tidying and cleaning up after another adult. I used to spend 9hrs a week (I added it up!) on the "joint" house chores and food shopping, 3hrs of that was tidying up stuff he'd leave laying around. He did zero, we both worked full time. My utility bills on the flat were the same as my half of the bills on the house.

Hmm, pretty much my life summed up until I happily divorced.

The reason it makes you angry is because it is a choice forced on you when you have done nothing wrong - put up with doing everything or break up the family. Almost a Hobson's choice.

You can't personally solve this problem as it depends upon the actions of another, and that another refuses to play their part. It's frustrating and ultimately leads to a total breakdown in relationship. I hate to say it but you won't want to have sex with him because subconsciously you will resent him and feel unable to be intimate.

The real solution here is for your husband to pull his weight and build a relationship with his kids. My children barely noticed when ex-husband moved out as he mostly ignored them! How sad is that?

@IFionlyhadbrains you ARE a single parent. In fact, you are working harder than a single parent! Being a single parent is much easier (and cleaner) than pulling the mental, physical and emotional load of a man who won't do his bit.