He’s still in touch with his ex

[Sunnydsys]

Hi, I’d like a bit of advice as I don’t want to tell my friends because I’m embarrassed.

My boyfriend and I have been going out since September last year. There was an incident with his ex where I saw him talking about her to his friend. That did make me feel insecure but he tried to make me feel better about this.

Anyway I did something wrong and looked on his phone, he was with his ex back in 2019. I realised he had never ended the chat with her, so all their pictures etc were still on his phone. I thought this was so so weird, I looked on their messages and they were in touch but only polite messages. I then scrolled a bit further and he basically said he was paranoid over her, he didn’t and doesn’t like the thought of her with other men but he wants her to be happy and won’t stand in the way. She just replied saying he confuses her. I confronted him and he said I shouldn’t of looked through his phone ( I know) he said he’s with me. He’s in love with me, never felt like this before, I’m the best thing that ever happened to me. And he wants his ex to be happy because he cares about her. Is it me or is this just a head fuck

Keeping the pictures on his phone I don't think is necessarily anything to worry about. I have pictures of my ex on my phone, I even have our old wedding album. I don't still have feelings and I'm very much in love with my DP, but I don't want to pretend like my past never existed and forget the things I did /places I went to/experiences I had, regardless of who they were with.

However, telling her he doesn't like the thought of seeing her with other men raises 2 red flags for me-

1. It's incredibly disrespectful to you
2. If he split up with her it makes me think he has the potential to be controlling, he doesn't want to be with her but he doesn't want anyone else with her either.

Wow. I would definitely end it tbh. He clearly has very strong feelings for her to be concerned enough about who she's with that he tells her that! It's also messed up he feels he has any right to convey his opinion on that to her, like he feels he owns her.

If he was truly into and happy with you he'd be so busy enjoying your relationship he wouldn't be playing around like this. Sounds like he was really into her and still is and you're just miss 'fine for now'. I promise you when you find a man who's head over heels for you they won't be spending time messaging their exes about nonsense like this. I would be so insulted, like am I not enough for you?

He isn't over her, doesn't respect you, and is weirdly controlling. He has plenty of choices here for how to deal with his thoughts and feelings, he could keep them to himself, share them privately with a good friend, or talk to a therapist or listening service. The fact he's chosen to message her about it shows he wants her to respond and hopes he has a chance with her still. He's fishing and hoping he can get back with her and clearly thinks very little of you.

That's gotta really sting but it's no reflection on you, it's him being a trash person. Move on with your self respect!

I think this is an ego thing with some men. He doesn't want her, but he doesn't want her to be over him. So, while I don't think he wants to be with her, he is clearly a selfish head-fucker who will put his ego/insecurities above what's best for her/you. Those types of people are a nightmare for drama.