How to get over it all - self help?

[Postmantat]

My husband of 18 years had an affair and left me for the other woman. He’s still with her (although he did come home for a few months and feed me a load of lies then retreat back to her) and has introduced her to his family, of whom I am very close with. I know that it won’t be long before he wants to introduce her to our children.
I can’t seem to stop thinking about it all and stressing over it. The thought of him and her and also her replacing me in the family, makes me feel sick.
I am considering seeing a counsellor, in the mean time is there any types of self help that others have found helped them? I don’t even know where to start! I’ve always being a very upbeat and positive person, never had any issues with my mental health so I’m pretty clueless about the support available.
I just want to get over it all and stop thinking about them being together, or thinking about his family slagging me off to her and disclosing what I have previously told them. This (as far as I’m aware) hasn’t happened, but I keep thinking in my mind that it has and I feel a big sense of betrayal, even though I know they will always put blood before water. I just can’t stop these irrational thoughts!
It’s not like I particularly miss him or even want him back in my life (he wasn’t the best husband) so why do I feel like this?

Sorry OP, he sounds like a shit, and coming back for a while must have been so confusing. How long has it been since he left for good?

You feel like this because rejection is extremely painful and knocks your confidence and sense of security. I'm not sure there's a fix to it other than time and trying to concentrate on the positive aspects such as how you weren't happy with him anyway. Invest in yourself as much as possible- live well.

Thanks @EvenMoreFuriousVexation I think that is what makes this whole situation worse. He came back telling everything I wanted to hear, told me things about the OW, how she meant nothings etc then to out of the blue pack his stuff up and move back in with her as apparently he was confused due to us being together for so long but he did truly love the OW. He left a week before Christmas.
I hate the fact that they now live together in a big beautiful house, out all the time enjoying child free outings whilst I’m stuck in a 2 bedroom council house absolutely brassic and utterly consumed by everything that has happened. It’s like I can’t move on. If it wasn’t for my children I honestly don’t think i would still be here. That is how much it has all affected me.

If you haven’t discovered her already go to Chumplady’s site. Lots of excellent advice and a very supportive community of people who’ve been in the same situation.

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I think it’s natural to have irrational thoughts, you’ve had a major shock and your H’s behaviour has been awful, especially coming back to you for a while. No wonder it’s messed with your head.

It’s also natural to look at what they have and assume they are leading the perfect life - they won’t be. They will have their problems just like any other couple, and given the way their relationship started it’s entirely possible it won’t last either.

I know it’s hard, but you need to forget about them as much as you can - they will do what they will do and you can’t control any of that. What you CAN control is your life. What do you want it to look like? Focus on your work, your friends, your children and your hobbies. Distract yourself with a good box set, book or podcast. Focus on what makes you feel good, gives you a sense of purpose and brings joy to your life.

Time really is a healer, take each day as it comes and treat yourself with kindness. 💐

Have you applied for child maintenance?

Have you established set times that he has the children each week ?

Start divorce

Make a list of things to do & get them completed

Have you set up single council tax for yourself ?

Second Chump Lady. She has a book too called ‘Leave a cheater gain a life’.

Rosie Green’s book too ‘How to heal a broken heart’ goes through some of the stages that you naturally go through.

The forum ‘Surviving Infidelity’ is helpful too.

I also want to say that my husband left in October. It gets better and I never thought I’d be writing that. In the last couple of days I’ve been thinking that I’m free of him. It’s weird as I never thought I’d think that.

I totally get though the feeling of injustice that they got away with it. Someone told me that karma will play the long game so who knows?

Tomorrow I may feel differently of course and probably will but, what I’m saying, is that your thinking will change over time.

What sometimes gets me through is that I’m better than him and the OW who are shitbags. They will always be the people who did this, not just to you but your children too. If they’re half decent people then they will need to live with that guilt. If they stop feeling guilty then they really are amoral people.

I’ll admit I feel strong today but may crumble later.

If you search for my username you can read my thread and you’ll see how far I’ve come (for now). I’ll revive it at a later date if you need to.

Selfish men buggering off is not new and when I posted loads of women wrote that they’d been through similar and come out the other side.

Should say I will revive my thread if I need to not you - sorry!

@Anonanonon thank you I’ll check it out

@Treetops73 thank you for your kind winds, I really do need to start focusing on myself

@R1ce0fcal1fl0wer yes all of the practical stuff has being sorted thankfully

@CluelessnotShoeless I also have good and bad days. I’m glad your currently having a good day. It’s funny isn’t it how we know we are better off without them yet still get days bad days. It’s like our heart hasn’t caught up with our heads.

@CluelessnotShoeless I’ll have a read of your thread thank you. It still shocks me how so many of us are in such similar circumstances!