I need some practical support on what I should do

[annabellacomestotea]

I've changed a few details because my post could be outing.

I feel like I am stuck in a loop I am not sure how to get out of and it is causing my mental health to deteriorate. I started antidepressants last week (something I swore I'd never do again) because I am beginning to experience insomnia, regular panic attacks and crying fits.

A few years ago my mum passed away after a particular vicious illness. I was quite codependent with my mother. She had me late in life and had a few miscarriages before me, so she was very protective of me and there are still a lot of things I don't really now how to do as an adult because I was quite coddled. I wasn't taught to cook, manage money, use a dish washer etc and was quite lazy admittedly about learning these things on my own terms. Adulthood has been quite a rude awakening for me.

After my mum passed away I discovered my husband had been using cocaine. I have no idea if he still is or not. He has no savings, and our marriage is limping along. I have had some really bad experiences with men so I am terrified to even think about finding another partner, but literally don't know what to do in life anymore being single, especially now travel, and so many other things that I used to do are off the table.

My father has become even more emotionally abusive to my sibling and I. The other day he told my brother he should have been aborted whilst he was making his dinner and he said today he is going to the estate agents to sell the house because we didn't spend enough time with him this weekend.

I am starting to get headaches and struggle to eat. When I do eat, I eat quickly so I don't have to be in the kitchen when he is there.

I can't really move out with my husband due to his financial situation/drug use. All my friends are living with partners or families. I don't want to move out with a flatshare, I feel all a bit beyond that now. I just don't know what options are available to me anymore. Any which way I look I feel stuck and trapped. I love this house and neighbourhood and I love my family, but I feel I've made a wrong move in marrying my husband, too scared to go, my self-esteem has been shit since childhood (always been on eggshells around my angry father.)

How can I practically start to build my life when I have poor self-esteem, so much to sort out and an anxiety disorder? I feel if there was no covid I'd go travelling, but I feel like the world is so small and shrunken now.

I'm on the AD's, I'm studying and also work full time. I feel I'm doing a lot for myself, but the people around me aren't changing.

Look, if you are working full time and studying and can contemplate travelling you are highly competent. It seems to me that your upbringing and present situation just haven't allowed you to realise how competent you are and indeed even who you are. As far as I can make out you are still living in the family home, with a useless drug addict husband as well? It's hardly surprising you can't see straight.
You don't say how old you are but I would guess under 30? At this age a flat share is a very normal way of living and I think works be best for you. I would start looking immediately. Ideally with a couple of people who seem supportive. You can move out to that, instigate divorce and start to get your own life.
I realise it needs courage but you can't think straight where you are.

Are you and your husband living with your father?

I think you need to move out on your own, asap. Just find a house-share or bedsit and start over from there. It will be temporary, a place to strike out from, on you own. You can't expect your anxiety to improve while you're living in a toxic atmosphere.

You focus on a plan to move out. Your life cannot start changing for the better while you are living with at least one abuser.

Your self-esteem cannot improve while you're being abused, your mood cannot improve while you're being abused, and you will struggle to replace despair with hope as long as you're being abused.

A plan for the entirety of the rest of your life is not necessary - those doors open once you take the first step of exiting the situation.

Given your background you will probably benefit from specialist trauma therapy to help you unravel things and build yourself back up in a better way - but you can deal with that once you're out. You can't start therapy and you can't start moving forwards while you're still being abused.

So just focus on working towards that. One step at a time moves you forwards.

You sound such a smart cookie to me OP., I think you are seriously under estimating yourself. Here you are stuck living with a drug using husband and an abusive parent and I bet everything I own you are the one keeping the lot going, Well whilst you are doing your best they are all sadly destroying you, So what can we do? What are your options? You could stay and survive and put yourself through so much pain as you are now or you could just for once believe in yourself and your ability to live a happy peaceful life away from it all. I would if I were you decide an exit plan.It doesnt have to be immediate but you could tentetively look at all housing options open to you and start squirriling away some funds to accrue a deposit or a bond.Do you have any single friends at work who may be looking to sort out their housing and need a pal to rent a room or house share? Do you have any family away from your immediate ones who could put you up? Could you ring the local authority to see you could go on the housing lists for a flat? I just think you need to get out on your own,,be your own saviour,Anything will do as a start,Once you are free from the toxicity you can rebuild you in your own way and in your own time, You will never change these people they are telling you and showing you who they are and you do not need to accept that.You are worth far more, Maybe ring Shelter for advice and see what they say your options are.They are non judgemental and will talk you through options that may be viable for you.I think you know you can;t carry on like this and I also think once you can breathe you will know just how capeable you are and then you start to live instead of exist and then you will look back shake your head and wonder why you tolerated the abuse for so long.What ever it takes you can do this, Good luck please dont settle for anything less ..your future is waiting if you can just find the courage to take the first step,