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Original poster

Anyone been in a similar situation - my affair

16 replies

dollymixture · 01/11/2004 22:35

I haven't posted on here for a very long time so I hope you don't mind me coming back now. I had an affair about 2 years ago with a close friend. We ended it mutually after a couple of months as the fear of being found out was too great. Life moved on ...I had another child and he got married. And now it's started up all over again. And although the good bits are very good, I can suddenly remember the lows. The constant checking for emails and texts, the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you worry if you've covered your tracks properly. Neither of us want to leave our partners and, unlike last time, we're not even unhappy in our relationships but it was so easy to fall back into it again. I know that the right thing to do is to end it but it's made so difficult by the fact that this man is a huge part of mine and my families life and always will be and it frightens me that it will never really go away. God knows it simmered for enough years before anything actually happened. So what I really want to know is if anyone has been in a similar situation and what happened. Sorry if this is a bit waffly, he's just left and my husband is away overnight on business so there's plenty of opportunity for it all to go round and round in my head! Thank you.

OP posts:
cardigan · 01/11/2004 22:46

Not in your situation - but wonder what would you do if found out. I think this choice now would solve the situation. If you'd feel terrible for your dh then end your affair. Also as it's someone known to your dh - Could dh already know & be turning a blind eye?

unicorn · 01/11/2004 23:06

Haven't any experience, but am sure shopaholic(???
apologies in advance if I got that wrong)was/is going through similar.

I hope you manage to sort out what you really want.

acer · 01/11/2004 23:09

If you are happy dollymixture, then why carry this on? What if yr dh didi find out? sorry no real advice as this has never happened to me, my dh stays away alot , sometimes for a long time, so I can see why it can happen, as it can be lonely at times.

MissHoolie · 01/11/2004 23:15

Have you children?

honesty · 01/11/2004 23:21

dollymixture - have been in similar situation - friends have been in similar situation - this is more common than people believe it to be - but, and its a big but - without fail, always without fail - these things end in tears. I plead with you, from what happened with me, don't have this affair - chose one or the other. What if the tables were turned? What if your partner was doing what you chose to do right now? Do not deceive yourself, do not deceive you partner. In the end, you will not have anything of yourself left. Make a choice.

WigandRobe · 04/11/2004 19:19

Message deleted

Empress · 09/12/2004 19:41

dollymixture: just read your post of 1 Nov, how r you getting on now? I SO sympathise with you, and think i can understand how you feel. its like you aren't really choosing one over the other, but both are part of your life. neither relationship is a threat to the other. in a different age or culture you'd be 'allowed' to have the happiness of both. its really dificult and theres no answer, just wanted to say i can relate to where you are. i hope you manage to enjoy the good times. i'll probably get lectured by the Happy Families brigade for posting this as well!

scottiegirl · 10/12/2004 00:05

Affairs are intoxicating, excilarating and highly charged. If you seriously love your husband then you musn't go down this route. As a victim of an affair, it left me devestated for a long time (and I'm a very strong outgoing person). Please, please....if you really love your husband don't do this. If things are bad in your relationship then the outlook is different but don't jeopardise something that is incredibly precious.....

Original poster
dollymixture · 11/12/2004 11:44

Empress - thanks for your post. I've been a bit nervous about coming on here and posting an update to be honest. The affair is still going on ...lots of emails and the occasional chance to be together because we're trying to be careful not to take any blatant risks where we could be found out. If I sit and really think about it then of course I feel guilty but it's just becoming part of my life now. When it happened a couple of years ago it was all consuming and I was very clingy and needy but it's not like that this time ..I actually feel quite in control.

I appreciate what everyone has said about not ruining my marriage and I know what the 'right' thing is to do but this man will always be a close part of my life and it's that that makes me think this will never really go away. It would be differnt if it were possible to cut off all contact but it's not.

And of course I feel terribly guilty for what I'm doing to his wife, in fac that's even more complicated that I can bring myself to admit.

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 11/12/2004 12:14

dollymixture, I've been in a similar situation - it's very hard isn't it Sad

jingleballs · 11/12/2004 12:21

have been b4 we were married, (had an affair - DH then DP found out after about a month) it killed him , literally he was up all night crying asking what he'd done to me that was so bad, and why didn't i love him enought etc... I ended it there and then, after seeing what it had done to DH. (it did start up again, but no for long as I didn't want DP to eva feel like that agagin, and I still to this day struggle know ing the pain and hurt I caused DH), our relationship is now finally back on track, but it did take a while for it to be so. I think it's up to you to decide, Is the excitement of it enought to our way the consequese of what could happen. I personally know I could never do it to DH again. (doens't mean i've stopped the occasional look thou Wink)

IwigitcouldbeXmaseveryday · 11/12/2004 12:24

If your relationship is so crap, it needs the intrusion of this other man, isn't time you were honest with yourself and called time on your marriage?

spacedonkey · 11/12/2004 12:26

Wig is right. And I do understand how complicated and difficult it is, but it will end in tears one way or another. The burden of guilt will tear you apart eventually.

tammyBEARinggifts · 11/12/2004 12:28

dollymixture you say that because the man's a close part of your life, you think that it will never go away. but does that mean you're going to carry on the affair whilst he is a part of your life? is he happy with his wife? if she found out, then would your dh find out through her?

biglips · 11/12/2004 12:41

i agree with wigg. maybe there is summat in the back of your mind that you are not 100% happy in your marriage - maybe you hate being lonely and you need that bit of company whilst your hubby is working away. have you spoken to hubby about it to see if he can work closer to home so he can come home and not away overnight?

Empress · 11/12/2004 15:27

Hi Dollymixture.thanks for your post in reply to mine. Lots of supportive hugs to you. life is a complicated business; nothing is clear cut.

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