Friends let me down in my worst time

[fedupwiththeguy]

I don't even have the emotional space to deal with it right now. I am heading to a trial in two days, my ex is fighting me for sole custody and it has been a draining two years (covid made this process even longer with the delays). I am exhausted physically and emotionally, finances drained, in big debt to pay a lawyer.

My best friend has been supporting me all along. Reading letters with me, helping me reply, printing my court materials, asking me to be a witness. Four weeks before trial, I had to submit her will say statement to the court. She had been telling me that she was working on it for at least two weeks, but the day of, I did not receive anything. I had to draft one for her (on top of all the stress that I am dealing with) and have her sign it. Two weeks before trial, friend A told me that she would help me print documents, but then stopped answering my calls. And three days before trial, she has told me that she doesn't want to come as a witness.

In parallel, friend B sent me her will say statement on time. But two weeks before trial she told me that she was very nervous/worried and had gone to a lawyer to understand the role of a witness, etc. Her words sounded very much like friend A. I called her yesterday to let her know that she will receive a call from a lawyer, etc. but she didn't answer or return the call. She sent me a message today saying that we could talk tonight. I called her twice at 5:30 and 8:30, no answer. She has also not read my whatsapp message despite been online.

I am dealing with a lot of stress, so this is the last thing I need. Can I forgive any of them after this? If they would have told me months ago, probably I could, but wait until the last minute when the judge has already received confirmation that they are coming and not only I am not having their support, but I am looking like crap "losing" my witnesses?

I thought that I had friends, but I have realized that I have none. These two were the closer and BOTH have let me down when I needed them the most.

Without knowing anything about you....so please please don't take this personally. Are they worried that what you are proposing is not in the best interest of the children? So they are taking a step back before they go up as witnesses and are made to answer in front of you something that may upset you?

@Mumdiva99 From the million possibilities of their reasons, even if they thought I was the worst mom ever, they should not have waited until the last minute.

Covid has delayed things a lot, but I put them down in the witness list a year ago!! They had plenty of time to voice their concerns, withdraw, etc.

Friend A me some crap about having started her "healthier life" journey (including no stress) just at the end of my "path", but that she still supports me 100%. I can't reconcile her words of support and caring for me with not been able to connect from her house for 30 minutes to answer some questions about me for something that is so important, and she knows my DC are my world.

You are right they shouldn't leave it till the last minute

I was once asked to be a witness in a case I thought was vindictive - I politely refused. It impacted my friendship but we rebuilt it over time.

I was also asked to provide a witness statement for someone who had done something wrong. I knew it was a mistake (a pretty serious mistake) so whilst I wanted to support the youth I equally didn't want to gush and minimise what she had done....so I sent my statement directly to the judge, avoiding the awkward bit of handing it over.

Im sorry you are going through this.

Do your friends perhaps feel you are expecting too much from them.

Just reading your original post felt very stressful, of course it is, this is the fight of your life, but its not theirs.
Supporting friends shouldn't affect your own mental wellbeing. One friend describes wishing to live a healthier life journey, this sounds like she literally cannot cope with any more stress.

I wish you the best of luck in your case OP. 🌸

So about a year ago, I asked one of them to be my witness and she accepted. The other, asked me to be my witness.

During this last year, we have been commenting every evolution of the case, on a whatsapp group that they created with a fourth friend to support me and comment on everything that was happening.

Friend's B statement said what a loving and caring mother I am... so I don't believe she thinks otherwise. And she was willing to testify four weeks ago when she sent that to me.

Seems very bizarre to me, I doubt this has come out of the blue and both of them have suddenly and independently decided to withdraw at the last minute. It seems likely they have been speaking together privately and must have some sort of reasoning behind their decisions / behaviour. I would ask them directly what the issue is

@BlueDahlia69 I have relied on friend A a lot, yes, but just as much as she let me, and I have supported her at least in the same amount with her troubles at work (that are not huge, she is just frustrated with the manager and wanted a 50% pay increase...). She never told me it was too much, she called me as well, not just me calling her.
And since she didn't answer my call to print documents two weeks ago, I did not insist, I have not called her in two weeks, giving her space. What I was expecting from them was half an hour of their time to connect from their homes and testify. No more expectations. To be honest, they are the least relevant witnesses. Friends are expected to say positive things about you, so they don't have a lot of weight. We have teachers, doctors, etc that the judge will listen to more. So there was not a lot of pressure on them.

I considered friend A to be my best friend. She even asked me to be one of the two bridesmaid at her wedding. But from her three closer friends I was the last standing, she has lost of all of us this year. Although I am grateful for all the other things she has done for me, I am having trouble coping with letting me down in this way and I don't think I can forgive her.

I know friend B much less, but she is best friends with my stepsister. I should have mentioned that we are all expats, thousands of kilometers away from home, so having someone from my same hometown and this link means a lot. I was made aware of her when she had been here for 4-5 years. She had been working minimum wage jobs and was extremely unhappy. Within two weeks, I connected her with my network and she got a job paying 3 times what she was making, allowing her to finally buy a house this year. Her family has told my dad how grateful they are for that.

So I understand that some people can get nervous or afraid of going to court, but considering that what I was asking was for half and hour of their time and that I have helped them too (I am not the kind to just take, I also give), it has broken me that they waited until last minute to do this.

Just want to say so sorry you have been let down so badly last minute like this in your time of need it's very unfair and I would feel incredibly hurt, I think they are being so selfish. Like you say they could have let you know in advance if they didn't feel comfortable about it and it doesn't sound like you have been all take either (even if you were it is wrong of them to say yes and then not comit to it especially something as serious and important as this) I can't understand it and would find it hard to forgive them and move on from it, think I would let them know how hurt I was and that yes it's up to them whether to do it or not and not to do it if made them uncomfortable etc but was completely wrong of them to agree and then not comit to it and let you down at the last minute especially when it's something so important they needed to put their own worries and insecurities to one side and step up in my opinion.

I agree that they shouldn’t have let you down last minute. They’ve been on this ride with you and it’s weird they’d step off just before it’s about to (hopefully) end. Friend A sounds like she has been a very supportive friend (until now) and as a PP said, perhaps she cannot or doesn’t want to take on any more stress. I wouldn’t be quick to throw away a friendship that up until now has been a solid one. I would speak to friend A about it.

@Familylawsolicitor thank you! I am in Canada, so I think it is similar. My understanding was that I can't present their testimony if they are not available for cross-examination. In any case, I don't think their testimony would have much weight. It is way more about the form, than the impact on my case, and for what I considered was not even that big of a deal.

I wrote to two former colleagues a couple of days ago asking them if they would feel comfortable swearing an affidavit about our work hours, etc. from when we worked together. They were happy to do it and I am not even friends with them.

* Just want to say so sorry you have been let down so badly last minute like this in your time of need it's very unfair and I would feel incredibly hurt, I think they are being so selfish.*

^I agree with this and I couldn’t forgive them either.