Can I have a handhold please?

[thenewduchessofhastings]

Can I get a handhold right now and possibly some advice if anyone has experienced this.

At this moment I've never felt so utterly alone.Tonight I've decided my 20 year relationship is well and truly over.I just can't do this anymore.I'm married to a mentally ill abuser who makes my life a misery,creates so much work for me and won't do anything to help himself.

He's driven away my friends and family;they hate him,they don't visit the house anymore and I've drifted away from my friends as many of them are fed up of me being a doormat for him;tbh I think their fed up of me moaning about my DH because I keep on letting him treat me this way.

I could write a novel about all the crap he's done to me;some of it is unbelievable.

The straw that's broken the camels back tonight;after yet another tirade about how this is "his" house,I don't have a job and he pays for everything (actually he lets the tax credits,CB and our DS's DLA pay for as much as he can get away with) and telling me again that he doesn't care about me he then starting threatening to have the dogs put to sleep (he's done this before and also threatened to have the cat put down too),he was shouting,being aggressive,being verbally abusive and trying to physically intimidate me.

My son's 17 year girlfriend was over and my DH's behaviour scared the absolute shit out of her to the point where she hid in the garden and phoned her mum to come pick her up.My 17 year old son was in tears,he was so humiliated and tbh he's had enough of his dads behaviour in general.He's close to my brother and has confided in my brother that he hates the way my husband treats us all.

Incidentally earlier today my DH snapped at my youngest about something that very minor and my DS who's very blunt turned around and said to me that "dad is a fun vampire;he sucks the fun out of everything".

My DS is right.I don't recognise the man who calls himself my DH.This man is a miserable,controlling,paranoid unhappy person.

I know he has money stashed away,I know if the case of a divorce he'll tried and hide asserts.

The problem is;the house is rented in his name only;I want to keep my family home but he won't move out willingly.I also need to go onto UC etc and I've no idea where to start.I also think I need support from a domestic abuse organisation as well.

I’m afraid I can’t give much advice but I’m sure someone more helpful will be along soon. There’s a great website called entitled to - this will be able to tell you what you’re entitled to for benefits, help with rent etc. As for your friends and family - I think you’ll be surprised how they come back to be supportive once they realise he’s out of the picture. It sounds like you and your children will be MUCH happier without him.

You don't need a house to make a home for you and your children. Don't let this stop you from getting away from him.

I know it’s upheaval but if the house is rented it actually does make it easier for you (& the kids) to up and leave him - sounds like you’re at a point you all know this is the right thing to do, good luck

Contact women's aid for advice / support if your ok with going down the living in a refuge temporarily they may help you, it can't be any worse than it is now,!! That's really not good he scared your sons GF his behaviour is affecting many people

Call Women’s Aid and they can give you sound advice. I know it’s hard to leave but the transition is temporary and this time next year you and your children could be settled into a new home, you will all be free of your awful husband and this will be nothing but a memory. Please do take your dogs and cat with you. 💐

Forgot to say- councils do offer grants if you need help getting a deposit for a new rental place. I know you’d like to stay in your home but it might not be possible. So speak to your Council xx

I think you need support too. Can you try women’s aid. You can email or phone.

In the meantime start making some plans. I believe that if you present to the council as being homeless due to domestic abuse then you are in a higher priority band and they have a duty to house you.

Can you start stashing money away too? Locate important documents like birth certificates and bank statements and store them together. Look at entitled to website to work out what you would be entitled to

I think you need to let go of the idea of staying in the family home. Even though it makes you sad, you are your kids will make a wonderful néw home together when you are free. Focus on that. Wishing you well