Walking away (advice please!)

[FreshFancyFrogglette]

Hi all,

I'm feeling very low tonight. I've put up for a long time with things that I know aren't right within my relationship, I guess because I love him, and am attached to him.

There is a history of domestic violence, which has thankfully been controlled through avoiding alcohol (him). However, I'm still constantly putting up with lies, being used for money, no sex what so ever (no desire to talk about, or work on it, he used to like getting blow jobs, now we don't even do that!), and just general being taken for granted. I guess I'm like the old pair of comfy slippers- there in the background-, which I absolutely love, because all I've ever wanted is security, stability, a home with someone (metaphorically). But he's bored, and hes taking me for granted, and he's taken it to the point now, were I can't ignore it.

For example, I ring this afternoon for a chat, and he's downright rude, to the point of snarling aggression, I try to keep it upbeat but he's just like ".. Ugh... Yeah... What...", and strangely he kept staring. ".. I've just been on the sofa all day on my own...., I'm just on the sofa on my own.... I've done nothing but be on the sofa... Just me here on the sofa...". It was very bizarre, I did ask him outright, why do you keep telling me you are doing nothing all weekend? I don't mind what he does, it's his time. As it's my time with my dd, who he is not allowed to be in her life (another reason why the relationship needs to be over).
This is a very long and rambling post, the point is, after he hung up on me he will be expecting me to ring back as I normally do, and get upset when he's blocked me. But I'm not going to. I don't want this any more. I really want to walk away, for a better life for me and my daughter. But how?! I'm so used to him, he's everything to me, my life partner, the only person I confide all in, the person I share with. What do I do without that?! I've walked away before, maybe 3 or 3 times, and I've always gone back.. In the past I was reffered to domestic abuse charity, and freedom programme and everything, but they had a 6 week waiting list, and by that point we were back together and I was happy as Larry.

Point is, having him to go home to at the end of a week day makes my life complete, just going there to watch TV, and have someone to chat to. As I'm writing this I'm Imagining loosing that cosy home and I just can't :(. I don't want to.

I seriously need some help. To walk away from someone who I love, but who doesnt, (or isn't capable) of loving me in the way I need.

• sorry meant to say he kept stating, not kept staring.. I should have checked this before posting q

Why are you not walking and blocker this vile loser??

My advice would be leave him, do you have your own home? You deserve better, I’d but money in him being up to no good and not ‘sat on the sofa’

He’s your life partner but he can’t see your daughter?

I can’t work out your living arrangements either. Whose home is it?

He's not allowed to be in your dd's life - why not?

And if he's not allowed in dd's life, how and why is he in yours?

You say you don't want this anymore, so it's really about stopping the cycle of going back to him, putting things in place to stop you doing that.

What sort of social/family network have you - do you have friends who could be asked (as if you were an addict, to be your sponsor?) - someone to call instead of him when you're feeling like going back?

Could you concentrate on something like a new hobby or course - fill your time and thinking space with something that is not him?
A challenge or a goal you'd like to aim for?
Could you journal/write a blog to get your thoughts out?
You could plan ways to self-soothe and give yourself love so you put those into practice every day and especially at times you're feeling weak.

The fact he can't be in your daughters life would be enough for me.
Not my definition of a cosy home .

Your daughter is your priority here not him. I don't get it!
Where is she the rest of the time?

Sorry shes with her dad the rest of the time. We have 50:50 custody. 3.5 days each.

I don't live with my dp but we've been together 7 years. I spend time with him during the week when dd at her dads. I've never really got comfortable enough to introduce him to dd. Everytime we get close to that there has been a major issue, which has taken it right back to square one. So he's not in dds life at all. Obviously that's not ideal. But I don't know if someone has tried to walk away from a 7 year relationship, with very little support. And an empty flat due to not having their kids half the time. I have bpd, I don't like being by myself. I can pretend I can cope, but actually I don't cope on my own. So I am dreading walking away, because I don't want to sink very low into depression. Which has happened when I've been on my own in the past.

When it snowed about 8 years ago my dd was at her dad's for the week and I didn't see or speak to anyone for a week. I just lay in bed. Think my Internet was disconnected aswell, so I just felt like killing myself. I really don't want to be on my own.

What on EARTH do you love about him?
List 3 things, I challenge you.

So how about putting things in place for that eventuality - go to the doctor and get your meds upped for the period after you split, have extra counselling/therapy, ask for additional MH support? Organise lots of good self-care for yourself, fill your evenings, get a pet? You know how you are likely to feel following break-up so put things in place to mitigate.

Because staying with him because you're afraid to be on your own just means you're stuck in this bad relationship and you're never giving yourself the opportunity to have a secure and happy one. It's avoiding short-term pain but the slow rot of being treated badly continues.

I would love a pet, I love animals. But am not allowed them where I live. I work full time (wfh atm).
I love talking about movies and TV shows with him, I love that he tucks me in before I go to sleep and lays down with me if I can't sleep, I love that he's still young at heart, I love that he will stand up for himself (and me to other people), he's intelligent and you can have a decent conversation with him about most things, he's got the memory of an elephant and is full of useless bits of interesting knowledge.

Things I don't like, he tells lies, he's a ladies man, has lots of close attractive female friends who he doesn't talk to me about, and lies about meeting up with, he's stubborn, can be cruel and vicious, has a hell of a temper, and is selfish.

I have friends, but they've got their own lives and things to deal with, I'm used to being a bit of a shoulder to cry on. Tbf some of them have supported me in the past when I left, and I imagine me going back was a bit of a kick in the teeth. So I have to be very careful about wasting peoples times again.

Thank u all for taking the time to reply. I know what I would say if I was on the other side of it, because I've been there with other friends. And it seems so simple when the boots on the other foot. But I remember the feeling when we broke up before, about 4 months I was away from him. And it was fine for a while, I had juat started chatting to a new person over text. And then I just totally lost it, and broke down. A friend came over and they couldn't stand to see me like it, I just needed him to be there, and he did come over, and everything was OK again for a while.

I have BPD traits too. Sort out medication and therapy. You don't need him. x