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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please talk to me and stop me messaging him!

23 replies

lovefoolsmeeverytime · 24/04/2021 18:17

So I met someone just before lockdown and we slept together. I am ecv and therefore this did not happen again and we met up a few times for coffee and a walk 2 weeks ago and kept in contact via messages in between.
Usually the meet ups were my suggestion and we had been planning a few days away in May.
Last weekend I told him that I thought he should be making more effort and his reasons for not doing were that he had just got a promotion and was selling his house. Anyway he ended it and suggested we stayed friends and I told him I didn't need anymore friends and I refused to be anyone's back up plan at which point he said goodbye and take care. I know this was the right thing to do but please can I have some wise words to strengthen my resolve?

OP posts:
Justa47 · 24/04/2021 18:25

@lovefoolsmeeverytime

You did the right thing. Just have a lovely bath and relax. Lots of fish in the sea and be proud.

flatsurfandmil · 24/04/2021 18:42

Why would you chase after him if he ended it? Don't don't that. Respect yourself.

Ruminating2020 · 24/04/2021 19:23

You did the right thing and at least he listened and accepted that you didn't want to be friends.

Delete his number and move on.

Original poster
lovefoolsmeeverytime · 24/04/2021 19:23

The thing is I really liked him Sad

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 24/04/2021 19:26

He didn't like you as much.

He couldn't be bothered to make as much effort (any?) as you wanted him to - and when you called him on this and said you needed more he decided to end it altogether.

That's fair enough. His prerogative.

Please don't message him, for goodness sake. Delete the number and move on - you want different things.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 24/04/2021 19:33

I'm sorry, but he's not feeling the way you are. I know it's hard when you really like someone and it's not returned. Been there more times than i care to remember before I met DH. Please don't allow yourself to be used, because chances are he will take advantage of you if you allow it. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who adores you. Please don't text him. Easier said than done I know but it will be even harder further down the line. Good luck and keep talking if it helps.

CoconutMaracas · 24/04/2021 19:36

Delete his number because it’s really awful if you now start contacting him after he’s ended it (stalker like)
I would advise not sleeping with someone so soon ( unless you are ready for it to end or just want sex yourself) also I wouldn’t be instigating all the dates either. You can’t ever see if someone likes you by doing all the running. Hopefully, if you like someone next time you can just do things a bit differently and weed the good ones out

Norabatty40 · 24/04/2021 19:38

Keep your dignity.. any further contact will now just most likely result in him using you as he will think he's got a green flag as he made his intentions clear already. Stay strong

Cowbells · 24/04/2021 19:40

DS1 said something incredibly wise to me the other day. It was: there's no point pursuing someone who isn't interested in you. It makes nobody happy.
You want to be happy. So don't pursue him.

notagainmummy · 24/04/2021 20:03

@lovefoolsmeeverytime

The thing is I really liked him Sad
Sadly he didn't like you as much. forget him.
BrilliantBetty · 24/04/2021 20:04

Rejection is really hard. It's infuriating too.
But don't go messaging him.

Keep your mind on other things. Someone else will come along when the time is right!

icdtap · 24/04/2021 21:28

Get him blocked on everything immediately so you are not tempted.

He obviously didn't like you as much as you liked him or he would have made of an effort.
If things seem like too much hard work or you are doing all the chasing then it's going nowhere. Just a waste of your time and energy.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2021 21:57

This isn't just about stopping you doing something flippantly silly, it's also about you respecting boundaries. He's told you he doesn't want more than friendship, you responded and he has said goodbye. He doesn't want to be in touch. As rubbish as that might feel for you, if the shoe was on the other foot wouldn't you want someone to respect your decision to not be involved and to say goodbye?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/04/2021 21:58

And yes to PP re block his number then delete his contact info.

Get stuck into a boxset and distract yourself.

Backtoworknightmare · 25/04/2021 12:20

You can't message him, OP. It will make neither of you feel good.

Lovelydiscusfish · 25/04/2021 12:55

Maybe get back on the dating apps? It will give you some other people to message so you are less tempted to message him. Text your friends too, and post on here if it helps!

You didn’t make a mistake by sleeping with him by the way (in my opinion). Unless it has made this situation more painful for you - in that case it would be wise to maybe wait longer - but otherwise it makes no difference. It’s not like there are otherwise nice men who suddenly go off a woman because she has consensual sex with them.

You did the right thing on calling him out over what felt like his lack of effort, and he did the right thing being honest. And you did the right thing saying you didn’t want to be friends, as I sense that would have done your head in a bit.

So be proud of the way you handled it, chalk it to to experience, do some things to cheer yourself up, and then on to the next one, head held high!

Happycat1212 · 25/04/2021 13:31

Please don’t, you are really going to embarrass yourself, sorry that it’s harsh but that’s what it is

JemimaJoy · 25/04/2021 13:32

If you leave it as it is, you have your dignity, and you have the upper hand.

You called it off. He didn't fight you on that. So...

He either doesn't like you as much as you liked him (in which case staying well away is the best idea and you'll be so thankful you did in the future for the sake of your pride).

OR he does like you but didn't realise how much and might if given some time to realise he misses you/time to fear that he's permanently lost you etc (in which case again you need to stay away for him to a) have these realisations and b) learn that if he wants anything to do with you then he needs to make an effort or you'll call it off AND MEAN IT again.)

Contacting him now would ruin all of this!

Sakurami · 25/04/2021 13:37

Not sure I agree with this. You barely know each other and if he has a promotion and he's moving house those have to take priority. And he still found time to meet up with you and agree to going away in May. I don't think you've been together long enough to expect a lot more given that he's got lots of things going on. Moving is stressful and you have to do a lot of organising, decluttering, decorating etc

bangheadhere40 · 25/04/2021 14:07

I'm 50 / 50 on this one...It may have been better just to not initiate and see what happened

Xztop · 25/04/2021 14:53

If you message him you will regret it and feel worse. Trust me. I've been there.

As others have said, you have your dignity now, try and keep it. If the 2 of you are meant to be together it will happen without you forcing it.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 25/04/2021 15:49

Message him to say what?
Hi , I know you didn't like me like I liked you but... hi do you have some crumbs you could throw me? Don't give him the satisfaction OP. You'll regret it. He just wasn't in to you. Simple. You deserve better. Let it happen, if he's in the way, there's no chance of meeting someone right for you.

Sunflower1970 · 26/04/2021 23:42

He doesn’t feel the same way as you. Move on

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