What happens in a family when a drinker stops drinking?

[Devoncreamy]

My Dad is in hospital, ostensibly with an infection he has overcome, but his stay has meant that he can’t drink and he’s now in massive withdrawal. He’s is being treated with withdrawal drugs, but my mother, his enabler, is in deep denial about it and neither we’re going to mention to the hospital that he is alcohol dependent. I called the ward and blew the whistle as it were.

He will be discharged with a care package, assuming he survives this. His brain has shrunk, he’s unable to walk and he’s in psychosis.

Is there a pattern to what happens to families? Does the enabler help to enable them to stay sober, for example?

Another sibling is at home and he’s also alcohol dependent. What a shit show.

IME the only way an enabler can help an alcoholic is to stop enabling them. Enabling an addict or alcoholic in their recovery initially, hinders their chance at recovery long term. Because recovery is (mostly) about taking responsibility and the routes to do that. However, that's going to be so difficult when she will also be (presumably) caring for him is he is ill/disabled. I really think he needs to engage with every service he can, and so does she (and everyone else around them really). Al-anon, AA, drug and alcohol services and any other support on offer. It sounds like this is a crossroads where either he gets sober or it kills him, so I really hope he can get through this and get sober. This must be so hard for you, but well done for giving the doctors the information they needed to help him properly. Lying helps no one, but is often so much a part of the secrecy around alcoholism that families struggle to be honest with professionals, etc. Can you help advocate for them in this? Understandable if you need to keep a bigger distance than that, though

Unfortunately with another drinker and an enabler in the house and the whole household in denial, what's most likely to happen is that your dad will drink again, and it will kill him. That's harsh, but it's the truth. An enabler can never help an addict to get sober - because only the addict themselves can get sober if they truly want to, and because the enabler needs to stop enabling in order to offer support. It is truly a shit show and you are powerless to do anything to improve it.

I would therefore suggest very strongly that you do the only thing you can and get support for yourself. Al-Anon type support groups for the relatives of alcoholics are incredibly powerful and will help you cope with all the difficult feelings you are experiencing. You will feel so much less alone and you will have your decision not to be an enabler yourself validated.

I wish you all the very best as one survivor of an alcoholic to another.

Thankyou, both.

What do Al Anon do? I am being as boundaried as I can. My mother is a proper, textbook narcissist and the “shame” of his drinking is what’s kept her as his enabler I think. I don’t know, it’s all so knotted up.

And of course the role my dad plays is that if he is very VERY drunk, my mum and brother can look at each other and say “well, at least we’re not like THAT.” And pour themselves a large one.

I don’t drink at all. Apparently my views are extreme, which is interesting because I’ve deliberately never discussed my not drinking. I just don’t.

You do sound as if you have good boundaries in place. You can see your family for what they are and you do not take part in their denial and co-dependency. What a support group can do for you is simply help you to feel less alone. You will be able to share your experiences with people who are just like you, and you will learn to feel in your heart that no, you are not weird or extreme. A little validation can go a long way to just making you feel a bit better. And you deserve that. It is incredibly hard to watch someone you love self-destruct in front of your eyes. You don't have do do it alone.

When I joined my support group I too had good boundaries in place already. Nevertheless they gave me the strength to initiate divorce proceedings when my husband relapsed. And it was not the relapse into drinking after rehab that triggered the divorce; it was the relapse into the same utterly deceitful behaviour that he had shown before, which told me he had learned nothing from his time in rehab and it had all been a front.

They also gave me the strength to tell him to leave when he became impossible to live with and emotionally abusive. They gave me the strength to call the police on him when he threatened to kill me, and the strength not to let him back in the house. They kept me going when he died and helped me see that none of it was my fault and that there was nothing I could have done. You too need that emotional support in your life.

Protect your self emotionally OP. It's all you can do now.

Sadly as PPs have said, your dad is likely in end-stage now and your mum and sibling will be likely to hasten that end.

You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

sadly they will likely default back into the grooves that they have worn for themselves, the pull of the old dynamic can be very strong

What do you mean by “end stage”? Bizarrely his liver isn’t that bad.

Good advice upthread. I'm glad you found the strength to blow the whistle.

We have lost three people in our extended family, all due to drink, and nobody talks about it.

End stage alcoholism not end stage liver disease I believe

OP, an ex partner of mine is long term alcoholic, I heard that he was having problems walking due to alcoholic neuropathy, I wonder if this is a factor in the situation with your family members?

The remaining drinker suffers fro
Holier than though preaching from the converted

It's possible to be in end stage alcoholism and not have major liver disease. That happened to my mum - her liver wasn't great, but her main issues were malnutrition (from drinking and not eating) and alcohol-related dementia and paranoia.

The only way my dad got sober was never returning to the family home. Honestly can't believe he survived- he's a different person now massively involved in NA. My mum drank herself to death but we always thought my dad was the bigger drinker. She enabled him for years and hid behind his drinking. Does you DM also drink because returning home when she is drinking will be very hard for him and set him up for failure from my personal experience? Going back to an environment where he has been drinking and your sibling is drinking can't be good for anyone's recovery.

My dad had a warning 6 months before he died, he continued to drink. I was too young to guide him, but looking back I can see the issues. He was high functioning, very successful and others either enabled or just didn’t see it.
The bare truth is if an alcoholic doesn’t want to stop drinking, they won’t.
If you need help, please ask for it. It took me a long time to come to terms with loosing my dad and my family just didn’t see him as an alcoholic

My father also got to end stage, then died, and his liver was ok throughout. Sorry op, look after yourself through this as it's all you can do xxxxx

I'm so sorry for what you are going through @Devoncreamy
My Dad died last year due to years of smoking even though he had stopped smoking 6 years before he died.

My Mum was an alcoholic and fell apart with my Dads illness and passing.
Weirdly her liver was also ok but her mobility was very poor and she was extremely malnourished due to only drinking. She had emergency surgery and her heart stopped. She then spent 4 weeks in intensive care but wasn't strong enough to fight the infections in her body.

It was an awful time and I contacted Al Anon when my Was dying.
I spoke to a counsellor who said to remember the 3 C's.
I didn't Cause my Mums drinking.
I couldn't Control it.
And I couldn't Cure it.

It's awful to see someone you love completely self destruct in front of your eyes.
Alcoholism is brutal.
I also don't drink and haven't for years.

Sending a huge hug, it's a horrible, confusing place to be. I miss my parents every day and wish we could have saved my Mum but sadly she didn't want to be saved.

*dad not was

I really feel for you. My dad is a raging alcoholic and we have been where you are many, many times! He now has alcohol related brain injury meaning he struggles to walk, has dementia ans hallucinations. Doesn't stop him drinking though. He's currently on a binge so drinking about a litre of spirits a day. What will happen is he will become incontinent, his carers won't be able to rouse him, he will end up in hospital, they will put him through withdrawal (which by the way the first time I seen i was horrified). He will get back to his baseline, be discharged and the cycle repeats.... over and over and over again. Hes now tiny as doesn't eat but his liver etc is fine. I would recommend Nacoa for help for yourself, an excellent service with lots of lovely people to help. Take care xx

Things are not going well. He is massively paranoid and will not take his meds unless my mum is with him.

Don’t know what to do.

I would contact his GP and request a house visit, really lay it on thick. I have literally done the same thing this morning for my dad. Hasn't been taking his meds, drinking then paranoia and hallucinations. Hope you are ok!

@Loopyloo1985

I would contact his GP and request a house visit, really lay it on thick. I have literally done the same thing this morning for my dad. Hasn't been taking his meds, drinking then paranoia and hallucinations. Hope you are ok!

Absolutely this.