Red Flags

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

I've met some shockers in my time and have endured some really shitty treatment (although I wouldn't say I've been in what would be termed an abusive relationship). Consequently I feel I've lost sight of what a healthy relationship looks like.

I've recently started dating someone who seems keen, and just wanted to check with the wise women of Mumsnet whether this behaviour seems like a red flag or is just early dating enthusiasm and exuberance.

The guy I'm seeing is making it clear that he's quite serious. He's suggested we form a bubble and is also referring to himself as my boyfriend after two dates and one long conversation by phone before we met. He's not otherwise putting pressure on me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with or making any grand gestures, and seems sweet, caring and thoughtful. In case it's relevant, we've snogged a bit, but not slept together (and he didn't push things).

Is this something to worry about or should I just try to relax and enjoy it?

Early dating enthusiasm on his part, I mean, in case that's not clear.

He seems quite serious about relationships and was living with a partner until 2019.

He shouldn’t call you his girlfriend unless it’s something you’ve talked about and agreed. An early red flag for me.

@SoftPower

He shouldn’t call you his girlfriend unless it’s something you’ve talked about and agreed. An early red flag for me.

Hmm. Oh dear.

It was only to me, if that makes a difference. Could have been a alightly coy way of seeing how I would react.

It's difficult to say. It could be a red flag, but it could also be not.

I'd just observe his behaviour, but this one comment wouldn't put me off.

*alightly = slightly

@Iworry2021

It's difficult to say. It could be a red flag, but it could also be not.

I'd just observe his behaviour, but this one comment wouldn't put me off.

If it were a red flag would it be in the category of "controlling" or "future faking"?

There isn't anything else he's done or said that concerns me.

He could just be trying to slot in a woman to be The Girlfriend and he doesn't care who you are as an actual person.

If the calling you his girlfriend is the only thing I would have a conversation with him and say that’s something you’d like to agree between you both when the time is right - see how he reacts to that.

Bless him.... he likes you. He's keen and shows it. So refreshing when most men play games and fuck about lying.

If you like him too, enjoy it! If you dont, then tell him...gently....that you're enjoying him but need to go slow

It's not a red flag. Hes done nothing wrong ... he is just really into you and not bothered about pretending that he isn't.

I don't think it's a red flag just on its own. If he started going on about expensive holidays, your future wedding, and what to call the children you'll be creating together, then that would definitely be future faking!

For now I'd just say he seems keen, perhaps a little bit presumptuous in saying you're his GF without discussing it, but it depends how he phrased it. If it was just to you, that is. If he did it to/in front of his friends or something I'd be a lot more

@OldWomanSaysThis

He could just be trying to slot in a woman to be The Girlfriend and he doesn't care who you are as an actual person.

Yes, slightly concerned about this as it's happened to me before.

Saw him again yesterday and there was no mention of the 'b' word...

I don't think it's a red flag tbh, as long as he is consistent and decent towards you. He was probably testing the waters, it sounds like he likes you.

@Happypigc

I don't think it's a red flag tbh, as long as he is consistent and decent towards you. He was probably testing the waters, it sounds like he likes you.

So far, yes, I'd say he is both consistent and decent. (Which makes a pleasant change.)

Suggesting you form a bubble after two dates is way over the top.
If you like him I'd tell him it's too early to be thinking like that and that you're enjoying his company and want to get to know him better.

It would probably send me running for the hills but that says more about me than it does about him and your situation.

See how it pans out in the next couple of weeks but keep an eye on it.

@icdtap

Suggesting you form a bubble after two dates is way over the top. If you like him I'd tell him it's too early to be thinking like that and that you're enjoying his company and want to get to know him better.

It would probably send me running for the hills but that says more about me than it does about him and your situation.

See how it pans out in the next couple of weeks but keep an eye on it.

I suppose the thing is that without forming a bubble it's a bit limiting what you can do at the moment, given that it's freezing as soon as the sun goes down, and it's not light for very long after work.

Anyway, whether or not we're officially in a bubble, I have been to his flat.

Just relax, I don't see it as a red flag maybe he's a bit naive as long as he isn't rushing a sexual relationship and he's focusing on spending time on getting to know you. You both don't know each other well enough to call it a relationship so just take the boyfriend comment as a sweet gesture for now.

I agree with @OldWomanSaysThis
It’s far to early to mention ‘girlfriend’ after only two dates. He doesn’t know you at all yet. It would suggest he just wants a girlfriend and you’ll do.
Even if he is super keen and showing it, doesn’t he realise it’s too soon and that many people would reserve this conversation until you have got to know each other. I would run, as I hate people trying to dictate the course of a relationship before I have made my mind up about them.

I saw a post on here once about how red flags are more about how things make YOU feel rather than the actions (within reason of course). If you don’t want him to call himself your boyfriend after 2 dates then yes that can be red flag for you.

Well he's gone from very keen to ignoring messages and not answering the phone, so I assume it's over. Makes no sense - our last date was just as fun and relaxed as the previous ones, and his messages for the following few days just as affectionate and friendly.

I don't understand what's happened; whether he completely misrepresented himself or why he's changed his mind. Whatever it is I'm pretty gutted.