Trying to work out if this is normal in a relationship?

[PlanterGents]

It’s about H. Basically, he can be really fantastic and is always really supportive when I’m needing him to step up, such as through bereavements, difficult health (short lived) times etc.

Anyway, he’s also generally nice and caring day to day. But very often, without really any warning, he will turn 360! And act like a distant and rude arse. Can’t really put my finger on what it is.

For example, he’s usually in and out of the rooms in the house, and in passing will say ‘Hey darling!’ And some other cheery chit chat back and forth.

But on days like today he’s quiet, doesn’t really want to speak to me at all, has very little patience for DC, everything seems to be ‘ffs’. It’s really quite awful. When asked if he’s okay he tells me he’s fine. But it’s in a pissed off voice, when he is otherwise very loving sounding. When I say he doesn’t sound like his usual self, he will be pissed off by it and I drop it.

Then it’s like his mood will come out of this strange fog and he’s all jolly again.

Is this normal? I really can’t tell because I myself of course have bad moods here and there, but if someone pisses me off I’m over it in 5 minutes! I’d never spend my day in a huff

No it’s not normal
Sounds like he’s very moody

Oh and just to add on, if he’s like this and acts all fed up and pissed off with DC, I in turn feel like I’m walking on egg shells and start to feel pissed off by DC too, even though I’d otherwise let it all go over my head without a seconds thought

Don’t know why I feel like I’m walking on egg shells, he’s never been verbally abusive or God forbid, got physical. It just all feels very tense and uncomfortable. DC is autistic and completely unaware to anyone’s feelings and runs around shouting with a smile as usual

No, not normal. It's a nasty little habit - and very dismissive of you. You're supposed to meekly put your head down and wait until the sulk is over, then pretend it never happened?

I would suggest a sit down talk when he's not in this kind of mood and outline what he does, and how it makes you feel. And make it clear that you don't accept that this is ok. Fine for him to feel down/pissed off. Not fine to heap that onto the family for no reason.

Tell him - next time you do it, I'll just get my coat and bag and I'll walk out the door. I'll call later in the evening, expecting an apology. If it doesn't come, I'll be staying elsewhere. I won't be asking you what's wrong, I won't be engaging with you and chivvying. I'll just go - even if we have to be somewhere, even if you are busy, and you can just deal with the kids etc and I will drop the WHOLE lot in your lap and walk out. Because I won't accept being treated like that.

Yoni H can’t deal with DS for extended periods without it really getting him down. He finds it really difficult (I push for it a lot though, such as insisting he has him whilst I do xyz).

He’s currently not working, lost it due to Covid but should be going something else very soon. I’m hoping that helps because I find him insufferable like this.

There’s also the detail that I have to really push for him to come on any type of family day out. I usually just attend events and days out on my own with DS or meet up with my mum and do things etc

No I've had a partner like this and I left him. It was like walking on eggshells. I never knew what mood he was going to be in and it caused arguments because he said there was nothing wrong and it was me it got so bad at one point I used to write down day to day what I did or said. I have no advice really just wanted to share.

@PlanterGents

Yoni H can’t deal with DS for extended periods without it really getting him down. He finds it really difficult (I push for it a lot though, such as insisting he has him whilst I do xyz).

He’s currently not working, lost it due to Covid but should be going something else very soon. I’m hoping that helps because I find him insufferable like this.

There’s also the detail that I have to really push for him to come on any type of family day out. I usually just attend events and days out on my own with DS or meet up with my mum and do things etc

If he doesn’t work and doesn’t parent what does he do? I hope that he is very good at hoovering!

Ask yourself if you have a particularly bad month with PMT do you behave any differently? Because when the fog descends I often walk around muttering ffs and not wanting to talk to my DH 🤷‍♀️

ivf No, never suffered from any sort of pre/post period symptoms though

My partner goes quiet when he is tired

Could it be that

Gosh, not normal or fair. I'd be issuing an ultimatum. He sorts out his moods or it's over. Walking on eggshells will continue to impact on your mental health.

My DH can be like this. It drives me mad. There's usually something behind it that he just doesn't want to talk about (or in his mind argue about). I find it childish and would rather he just say if something is wrong. He on the other hand finds my approach of just saying if I'm pissed off too confrontational

Unless he has an actual bellyache - this is unacceptable and very disrespectful behaviour. Also he sound like an arse for not parenting his child.

Are you working? Who does the majority of childcare for our son? How about the majority of housework? How much does your husband do when not working?

I get like this sometimes. Hormones probably. There's nothing really I can do about it, but I'm single, so don't have to worry about irritating other people.

Bit of a drip feed. I think normal or not depends on frequency and context. The context is he has lost his job and is hoping this “something else” you mentioned isn’t withdrawn. You haven’t said frequency. But for someone unemployed who is usually a wage earner and contributor to family, I would honestly expect a few days here and there to be in a bad mood because of the context of being unemployed and the financial and self esteem hits that causes.

I agree you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells, but perhaps just give him a bit of space and permission to feel down and withdraw now and then. My DH lost two jobs due to Covid and he simply hid in his office when he wasn’t fit company for me and the DCs. If he’d been forced to interact or sat in the middle of the living room, yes I would have felt walking on eggshells. So perhaps designate him a place to be by himself if his feelings get too much so you can carry on without the bad atmosphere affecting the whole house.

Of course, if this if frequent and goes on for more than a day, it’s not normal. That’s wallowing in self pity and I’d give him a firm brisk reality check.

My partner has days like this but is diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
I don’t let it get to me, I move about my day like he is Eeyore. I sometimes over exaggerate my cheeriness when he is in grump. I know the root cause is nothing to do with something I’ve said or done it.

If he's not working you can go out for the day while he looks after DC. I hope he does the childcare when you work.

When his mood has improved have you ever asked him what was up?

There is an unhealthy dynamic going on. He is pissed off and not dealing with his feelings and go are going along with it and not challenging him on his behaviour/moodiness.

Are you both replicating pattens learnt in childhood from your parents.

Sorry but this is a mountain out of a molehill. A person who has lost their job due to Covid and is currently seeking work should be allowed to occasionally not be cheerful and fantastic in their own home. Actually, it wouldn’t be normal to have that kind of stress in your life and it not affect you by causing the odd bad mood day.

@Kona84

My partner has days like this but is diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I don’t let it get to me, I move about my day like he is Eeyore. I sometimes over exaggerate my cheeriness when he is in grump. I know the root cause is nothing to do with something I’ve said or done it.

My DH is the same and also has anxiety and depression.

Could it be that OP? Would it be worth him seeing a doctor?

But no, in answer to your question, it's not normal and walking on egg shells is hard.

My DH behaves like this.He's 38 and on a waiting list to be assessed for ADHD although personally I think he needs to be assessed for ASD.He also suffers from depression and anxiety.

Dear OP, we do not have enough info to paint a proper picture, but I can tell you one thing about my own experience. My DH is like this. We have been together 25 years and have three kids. I am by nature people pleaser and avoid conflict, so when things like these happen, I would get out of the way. Would not pry, ask to many questions, and give up right away if I see that is he opposing something I want. Fast forward 25 year later I am middle aged, grumpy, and very unhappy person facing a divorce. So, my advice is, talk to him immediately. Communication is most important thing in any relationship. See if you can work things out. What I can tell you for sure, this will not go away buy itself and you will not get used to it over time.

H does have a diagnosis of anxiety (and takes medication for it). But he had it when we first met and wasn’t like it then. Plus he insists there’s nothing wrong, so could it be anxiety?

Cabin fever, can he get out and volunteer or a walk when he feels it’s a shit day? It’s horrible to lose your job. Hope it all works out op.