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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ever fallen in love with some one...

23 replies

CastIronFire · 24/04/2021 07:33

Or not.

I wonder if there's anyone else in a similar position.

No one has ever fallen in love with me.

I've had a couple of experiences of men telling me they loved me very early on but I've always known that was a nonsense and very quickly fell from my pedestal when it transpired, unsurprisingly, that it wasn't me they'd fallen in love with but the idea of a girlfriend.

I did once even get married to someone. There was no physical attraction and neither of us were in love but we had a strong platonic friendship and fondness for each other. That lasted until he met someone he fell in love with.

I've had a few married men tell me they've fallen in love with in the hope I'll have an affair (I never have) but that doesn't count.

It's not that I haven't had relationships. I have.

But I've no one has ever fallen in love with me.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 24/04/2021 08:13

There are probably quite a few people wandering around thinking others have been in love with them, but in reality it was the early flush of lust and attraction, happily you know the difference, as do I l. Thinking about it, I've had many relationships over the years, some short, some a few years, but I'm only sure that my son's father was in love with me, as I was him. I doubt it happens often, and even if it does, the relationship can still falter in the end. That kind of love is conditional, unlike the love from friends and family - 2 an extent, but there is a limit. That's why it's healthier and more stabilising to invest in family and friends. Other love may or may not happen along the way, and you can waste many years with someone who doesn't love you or you don't love, just because it's comfortable, which does make you miss opportunity.
Sometimes, you can get lucky early on.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 24/04/2021 08:57

Maybe...

I know I keep reading threads on here asking if it's too soon or whether the other person should have said it by now. Everyone seems to declare that they have fallen in love with or love someone really quickly.

Or do people.fenerally fall in love with most people they have a relationship with.

Because, tbh, I'm probably not even talking about the deeper stuff.

I don't think anyone has ever really got excited about seeing me, or looked for ward to it, or been. Even that feeling of being in lust that people mistake for love. I don't think I've even had that really.

OP posts:

mermaidsariel · 24/04/2021 09:00

I think there’s always one person who is more in love with the other. Also a lot of relationships are based on love and respect but perhaps not being ‘in love’. Sometimes that lasts longer. I have been madly in love once in my life.

Marineboy67 · 24/04/2021 09:04

@mermaidsariel

The Adored and the Adorer...classic relationship scenario!

Original poster

CastIronFire · 24/04/2021 09:09

But to never have someone fall in love with you?

This board is full of threads of people talking about how in love they are or how someone is in love with them...

OP posts:

Ruminating2020 · 24/04/2021 10:48

Depends what you mean by love. So many people think of love as being a feeling that they have towards someone they are attracted to.

That warm fuzzy feeling that you have with a partner can change over time. When I fell in love with dh in the early days, it was a gradual thing where I would look forward to seeing and being with him. I would beam at him when I saw him and my heart would fill with joy. Falling in love felt comfortable and pleasant.

Love is also self sacrificing rather than self seeking, so if someone is declaring love in order to justify an affair, then that's definitely lust talking!

Mermaidwaves · 25/04/2021 00:30

I've never had a man be in love with me either despite having been married and then dating. Hand on heart I can say that I have never known what it's like to be loved and cherished by a partner. It seems to me like finding a unicorn, complete fantasy as I just can't imagine what it would feel like. I suppose I can't miss what I've never had?

Ruminating2020 · 25/04/2021 00:32

Did your dh ever said he loved you @Mermaidwaves? How did you realise what you had wasn't love?

Hawkins001 · 25/04/2021 00:41

I think love is a mix of caring, lust, desire and influence, sometimes we think we feel x but at first it could be the human mind starting the basics biochemical reactions in the body, then it's seeing what feelings are there after the initial chemicals mix.

Mermaidwaves · 25/04/2021 00:46

@Ruminating2020
My exH came from a culture that doesn't approve of divorce and we had our first DD very young so he stayed with me for our kids. I was young and silly and couldn't see straight. He told me this frequently which has affected me deeply, I don't feel I'm worthy of love, OLD since my separation has not helped either sadly.

TinaTurnoff · 25/04/2021 00:49

I was married for 15 years, am now separated six. I’ve ‘fallen in love’ twice since then. Once not reciprocated, once - I thought - mutual. I’m single currently. Having fallen in love quickly in my 40s, and neither working out, I feel I’ve lost all grasp on its meaning. What I mean is, the feelings I had were consuming, chemical, physical, intense and fabulously lovely, but the fact that they didn’t go anywhere I found very damaging. It was deeply enjoyable when I had it; I don’t trust my feelings any more, though, because I know i fall too hard too fast.

Sakurami · 25/04/2021 00:53

Mmm it sounds like they've been in love with you?? I've been in love about 8x or so? Basically with all my boyyfriends/partners/husband. It may have ened because of various reasons but there was love at the time.

Pyewackect · 25/04/2021 01:01

Yes, I’ve been in love twice. The second time I married him. That was 20 years ago. Still love the pants off him.

sunnyzweibrucken · 25/04/2021 01:13

I’ve only had one man be truly in love with means that was 30 yrs ago. Since then Others have mainly been in lust or really in like with me. I miss being with someone who is truly in love with me and I with them. I don’t think I will ever have that again.

BaggoMcoys · 25/04/2021 01:40

I've been seeing someone for about five months but we have known each other for 12 years, so although our relationship is in the early stages we already knew each other very well and we've been there for each other through a lot of difficult times. It feels different to any other relationship I've had (not that I've had many). I feel like he really loves and cares for me properly. I don't know if it will stay that way of course and I know it's very early days, but I feel hopeful about things.

Before him, there was my dd's father. I don't know if he ever loved me. I think he did in some way. It felt more like a platonic relationship a lot of the time though, there was never any real passion between us. He ended up being controlling and could be quite cruel.

I've also had men say they love me who I didn't believe. I think it was a bit similar to what you said in your op where they more in love with a fantasy, not the real me, or it was just about lust.

Dervel · 25/04/2021 02:07

Yes I have both been loved and been in love. I think part of the problem is I think an overwhelming number of people settle. There is such a pressure to be in an at least an outwardly appearing romantic relationship that out of a fear of being alone or not keeping up with everyone else/ hitting life milestones like marriage and children.

I have always been extremely picky of the feelings so don’t tend to get into relationships all that often, but when I do I’m all in. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I was in love and they weren’t in love with me or them being in love with me and me just liking and being attracted to them.

It’s also important to have the self knowledge to distinguish true love from lust and limerence (all too easy to do I’m afraid!). How I tell the difference in myself is when the love has less jealousy attached, less of a need to be in constant contact, yet nevertheless their presence and nearness generates overwhelming joy, and the world just becomes incalculably better for them being in it. I’m also way less focused on my needs and am much more focused on meeting theirs.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 26/04/2021 09:26

Hmm, these replies are really interesting.

I agree with the lust and being 'in like' aspects.

I'm not sure I've ever been in love either.

All of my relationships have been monogamous but casual. I've never met anyone I wanted to spend the rest of life with but maybe that would be different if love had been involved. They've really just been about good company, having fun and sex.

I decided a few years ago that I was done with all that and was only going to have a relationship if love was involved. I was single for a couple of years until I got together with someone I'd been interested in for a while.

It became obvious that there was no love involved and there never would be so I ended it. We carried on seeing each other but in a much more casual sense. I've been getting to the point of ending that because I don't really want that sort of 'relationship' any more but it seems to be all that is available to me. And, despite the fact I've never known what it is to be loved or cherished in a relationship, maybe its not necessarily a bad thing?

I've recently renewed a friendship with someone I've always had great chemistry with but there were always reasons we couldn't be together. I'm beginning to wonder if 'love' is really necessary or whether a casual thing again would be enough. Love and something longer term wouldn't be an option with this man so there would be no expectations or real feelings involved.

As someone else said, I feel like I'm waiting to find a unicorn. Except that, I think a unicorn might be easier to find!

OP posts:

Dervel · 26/04/2021 17:05

Well I don’t know if this is of any help OP, but the kind of love we’re talking requires opening up and being vulnerable , and I mean REALLY vulnerable. I do think it’s possible to love someone to have sexual chemistry stay together and have a perfectly acceptable life.

I think a lot of us can be scared to be really that open and vulnerable as a bad choice can be catastrophic. That is perfectly understandable, one thing I’d like to ask gently is the whole post opens with your pondering has anyone ever truly been in love with you, but we’re now getting to the fact that you aren’t sure you’ve ever been in love with another. My question is why does someone loving you have primacy over your capacity to be in love with another?

I think once you are able to answer that question, and understand your own capacity to be deeply in love with another (and what might be blocking thay), you’ll be far better placed to find your unicorn.

Original poster

CastIronFire · 26/04/2021 22:03

To answer the question, Dervel I guess I don't necessarily see them as connected; I guess people love others who don't love them in return all the time.

And, whilst I know what you mean, I know people with unresolved trauma, imperfections, flaws, etc all of whom have met people who fell in love with them.

I don't know, tbh. I've had therapy. Lots of it. I can see and feel the difference it has made and yet the outcome is still the same.

I'm not young anymore. I still have hope and optimism buti don't have the same faith in either of those. Each year that passes is no different.

OP posts:

apalledandshocked · 26/04/2021 22:36

I have had a fair amount of genuine, loving relationships of different types. None of them have been the "romantic" type though. e.g. I have family (sisters especially) I have a strong, loving bond with. The type that would always be there. I am also very lucky in the friends I have had over the years - as a heterosexual woman I wouldnt normally describe those as "love" but they are people who have shown that they cared about me and valued me. If someone showed that much level of care towards me in a romantic relationship it would be considered amazingly romantic.

I know I am probably lucky to have had those relationships and not everyone does. Likewise I am not knocking romantic love at all. I am saying that it isnt the be all and end all and shouldnt be attached to your own self-worth. If you expand your definition of being loved/in love (in a genuine caring sense) you might well find more examples of it.

FlyNow · 26/04/2021 22:39

Hmm, interesting topic. I know how you feel. But I think we have to be a bit careful, after a relationship is over its so easy to say, I never really loved them. So much time has passed that it's impossible to imagine that you ever even felt positively towards them in any way. People often justify affairs or wanting to divorce that way - "I've realised I was never in love with you". They did, they just don't now.

Or if someone treated you badly in a relationship you might think they never loved you, again though they probably did, they just also treated you badly. That's why I dont think love is so great. It's not simply anyway.

FlyNow · 26/04/2021 22:40

*simple

Original poster

CastIronFire · 26/04/2021 23:13

apalledandshocked and FlyNow

Thank you for your responses.

This is where I find it difficult. I'm very much on my own. I don't have family other than my brother. I see my brother two or three times a year. We aren't close and we rarely speak to each other. I don't have close friends. I don't have anyone I can rely on in a crisis. I don't have anyone who cares for or values me. I've tried to develop those connections but haven't been successful. I've been supportive of others. I've lived an entire life without love.

My ex husband and I were very fond of each other platonically. Maybe we even loved each other platonically but that was all. Other than married men and new boyfriends who don't mean it, no one has ever told me they loved me. I've never had a relationship last more than a few months. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship for a year. To celebrate an anniversary. To feel love or joy at being with someone. None of it.

I don't celebrate my birthday because there is no one to celebrate it with. Its just a day. There are no cards, no presents, no phone calls.

Believe it or not, on a day to day basis, I'm quite happy. It's only at times like this, when i think about it, that it makes me sad.

I have had friends over the years but as the years have passed, they have dwindled for various reasons and so now there is no one.

OP posts:

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