How to be 2 parents to a teen?! Practical and emotional.

[Millymollymum]

My DS is 14. My STBX and I split 2 years ago.
My ex is quite controlling and has blown very hot and cold, however, he is a reasonably good dad and custody is 50/50 which has worked fairly well.
My DS is a fabulous young man with the usual challenges of being 14!
Ex has just announced that 50/50 isn't fair on DS and he is to stay with me permanently.
This is not a problem, DS is my absolute priority. However, we lived in a rented house and his room here is small. Ex has announced I cannot have the dog over to stay (DS loves the dog possibly more than us!) and I am not a teenage boy and have very little expertise on shaving etc.
So the question is 2-fold.
How do I make a room more welcoming with very limited space for his stuff. Storage solutions. (Budget is very, very tight!)

Any tips for parenting a teen. Practical or emotional. He is going to miss the dog like crazy just to add to it all (stupid, bloody, stubborn arse of an ex). Looks like it is suddenly down to me and I want to be good enough.

Thank you

Is it possible to swap rooms so you take the smaller? I know as a teen I liked to escape to my room, especially with friends over so more space would be great

Not really. It's a 3 bedroomed house. The smallest room is for his sister when she comes to stay (She is a student in her 20s), so he has the middle room. It has a double bed (his choice, it was my old bed) and a chest of drawers (with X-box on) and some shelves. I think I need to put up more shelves but without damaging the walls?! (Or knowing how to do it, but I'm a quick learner)

No room for any more furniture.

Ideally he will need a desk as he moves towards GCSE’s? Where does he do his homework etc?
I wouldnt hugely worry about the rest with teen boys it all falls into place. I would worry about his emotional well-being of essentially just being dropped by his dad after 50/50, what are his reasonings for no 50/50? Make sure your maintenance you receive from him reflects this change now also.

-could he have a desk in his sisters room? As reasltically in her 20s I doubt she stays much at all!

Desk in sister's room? Actually that is a good idea I'll run that past him.

Yes, ex has suddenly decided that it is not fair on him to be passed around (his interpretation) and is doing a very dramatic...'this breaks my heart and you are a terrible person who has split a family up and DS will never have the life opportunities of other kids now because of you etc etc' . He refuses to see me face to face so texted me to tell me. DS is not surprised, apparently they have chatted about it. I need to find out what was said as Ex usually paints me as the villain.

I have swapped rooms with my son. He now has the 'master' bedroom and I'm in the small one as I only sleep in my bedroom and he lives in his! It has worked really well. I'm on my own with a (now) 16 year old and, honestly, it's fine. We have had no issues with anything.

Op

Have you considered weekly boarding if financially possible?

I’m a single parent. Girl and a boy. My boy is a strapping rugby obsessed 6ft hulk of a teen. We live in a beautiful but let’s say petit flat.

We went boarding at 13.5 years and honestly - I have never seen my boy happier. It’s only 45 min drive. He’s home most weekends or his sister and I go to him and take him out for lunch.

We were clashing before he went as he’s chronically disorganised, messy and his head in the clouds but extremely defensive when I tried to help. It wasn’t pleasant

Now - it’s wonderful. Really. For him, for my daughter and for me.

Long holidays, lots of weekends but the locking horns Monday to Friday.... no more

I do agree with the ex

50/50 just doesn’t work with teens

I have a 13 year old son. I don't think it's about which room you give him - he'll be fine in his medium room with his x box.

It's about the other stuff (your ex really is a git keeping the dog away from him) and just talking to your son to make him feel safe and secure. I cook and bake with my son, and we always make sure we have meals together. And lunch or brunch at the weekend. I would suggest you just talk to him then, maybe about your ex, but just to make sure he does feel secure - it's bound to have an effect his dad deciding he no longer wants to see him. You can build up a lovely loving relationship with your son.

I don't worry too much about not being a father figure to my son. I have an older son who is now at university, and he learned to shave just fine! My sons are lovely, polite, kind boys. As they have sisters and grew up in a predominately female house, I think they are more in touch with their feminine side (my arsehole ex used to tell my oldest son to stop being such a girl), but they are just lovely people.

Good luck OP. You sound lovely and I'm sure you and your ds will thrive.

Some of these responses are just odd.

I have 2 teens, one is in a box room with just a single bed and chest of drawers, the other in a small room (no double bed), they have never complained, they are lucky to have their own rooms as many don't.

Also no one is asking "what does ds want?" It's just been decided by his father that 50/50 contact should stop? Why at the age of 14 can't your DS decide where and when he wants to sleep at his dad's and and yours? He's not a toy to be passed around, he's a young man who can have his own say?

My dc's are with me full time, their dad isn't able to have them over night (which is a lie). They see him on a Sunday but if they want to see him more they will call him up and arrange it, of they don't want to see him then they don't (they are 15 and 17).

@Lovemusic33 if the dad doesn't want him to stay anymore I don't see how the OP's son could possibly override decide this and decide that he is going to keep staying there.

Presumably your ex will be paying maintenance if you no longer have 50:50?

Also no one is asking "what does ds want?" It's just been decided by his father that 50/50 contact should stop? Why at the age of 14 can't your DS decide where and when he wants to sleep at his dad's and and yours? He's not a toy to be passed around, he's a young man who can have his own say?

It doesn't sound like the OP or the son has a say in the decision anyway. The dad is basically Saying no.

Is dad offering EOW? Or no overnights completely. What a complete cock

Have a conversation with your son, what does he want? Include him in decisions that effect him.

I am a single mum to a 16 year old boy and have been since he was 13. His Dad is pretty much absent. He looked up how to shave on YouTube and I helped him get was he needed. He was quite casual about it all. I have given him as big/nice a room as I can as he is in his room a lot and I only sleep in mine. I use the lounge to relax in. His older sister has the smallest room when she visits from university. It's worked well.

Some really helpful and interesting points here.

Yes, Ex is a git keeping the dog away.

I agree DS should have a say and I had a brief chat with him last night (this was rather sprung on me!) and his dad has already run it past him and he says he is fine with it. I will have a better chat with him, hopefully over cake, this weekend.

I don't think my Ex wants no contact, just much less than before and to suit him . I have made it clear we need to sort out the details including the finances. Very hard with such a strange and scratchy man.

Relief to hear that other sons have managed to learn to shave. It's daft the little things that worry you!

Yes, 50/50 isn't ideal, just trying to make the best of a bad situation. I have tried to be very mindful that all the nonsense going on is not what DS wanted and have been careful to never step between him and his dad or talk badly about the man (even when he was a complete #@"*%$$ arse)

I am planning to do the best I possibly can. I am on a tight budget and my closest family is over a hundred miles away, but this is where my job is, and his school and friends are , so no chance of a move and I think he has had enough upheaval as it is.

Poor lad. These fucking men who think it's okay to just walk away from their children.

Do you suspect a new woman on the scene? Not that it matters.

Your DS may be putting on a brave face for your benefit (and probably his own) but he will be feeling rejected and he'll need an outlet to express that. Not to you, because you're too close. I'd suggest contacting the school and asking if they can offer any support.

My son's dad died when DS was 13 - bit different I know, but the school were really helpful and got him into CAMHS, which he found an absolute lifesaver. As for shaving etc - I bought my son a decent shaving/grooming set for either Xmas or birthday when he was 15, he youtubed how to do it and he's fine! Although he's currently sporting a big old lockdown beard 😂

Don't sweat the small room - if he wants more room you could look to swap the double bed for a single. Desk in his sisters room sounds like a plan. Or make a space downstairs, a corner of the kitchen table or something - just somewhere nice and quiet where he can do homework etc.

Not sure if they're doing it right now but if he really misses the dog he could volunteer as a dog walker at RSPCA or Dogs Trust - I think you'd have to go with him as you have to be either 16 or 18 to volunteer officially but kids can accompany adult volunteers and it would be a nice activity for the two of you together.

Best of luck OP, you sound like a great mum 👍

Thanks @EvenMoreFuriousVexation. Some great ideas here.

I have been out for a nice walk and had a mini break down on the phone to my best friend, then dried my eyes, re-stiffened my upper lip and come home. We are going to have some breakfast (yes, DS has just about got up ) and have a chat about how to make it work well for both of us.

My Ex is wrapping it up with 'I want to be with him all the time, but I am forced to work to pay for everything because you are an evil witch etc etc' (Yes, I work full time too!). I am unsure of his true motivation. He does very much like attention. I have no doubt he loves his son and the danger is he could suddenly flip to 'He should be with me 100% of the time' when he gets bored of the current martyrdom. Of course, DS is 14 so has the most say, but could do without his father being so blooming unstable.

My ds is 15, he’s not seen his dad since he was 11. We have managed to negotiate shaving quite effectively, it’s not exactly rocket science although I understand why you think it’s something that dad should be responsible for (he hasn’t mastered cleaning the wash basin afterwards though!). I’m not sure what extra stuff you’re thinking he might need but mine just needs electronic gadgetry so good WiFi and enough plug sockets should sort this out, under bed storage might help though. He’s got some LED strip lights around his room which make it look teenage boy friendly. Dd on the other hand needs space for gazillions of clothes, shoes and makeup, she wants mirrors, cushions, rugs, blankets and pictures.
Can he go and take the dog for a walk even when he’s not at his dad’s? Or maybe you have a neighbour who would be grateful for some dog walking help, I like a pp’s suggestion of volunteering at a kennels too. Thankfully my ex had the decency to leave the dog, my children would have been much more devastated to lose the dog than their dad.

Your poor son, the ex is using him as pawn in an emotional game. Hopefully your son will see through his fathers games.