Severe mood advice.

[needhelpman]

My wife has always had severe and instant mood swings that are always my fault. Always. No matter what is going on, stress at work or anything. She's fine with everyone else but will always take it out on me.

I used to call it The Bi Monthly Character Assassination when I knew and could see that she was right at being upset with me. I had issues. I'm no angel. I did deserve her reactions back then.
However she's since admitted that I've changed a lot for the better, but now her moods directed at me are for the most crazy things.
I moved some laundry to help once and this resulted in me interfering and not being spoken to for 5 days.
It's generally things like that. I've also had to learn to count to 5 or 10 before I answer her to make sure I don't say the wrong thing as she seems to jump on me if I say the wrong thing.
I live my life on eggshells and really not knowing when the next attack is going to come. Although I have been monitoring the swings in diaries over some years. They're erratic but always about 5-6 days and then suddenly life is fine again.
I'm not going into ok much detail as I don't want to turn this into an essay.
I'm living a life where I just cannot please her and it's affecting me terribly. We have a baby girl just under two who we both love so dearly and she's the only reason I haven't left.

Tonight We sat and talked and I asked if she could tell me when I'm irritating her and I would do likewise so we could try to foresee these moods and work through them but she wasn't interested. I honestly was very careful with my wording and honestly believe it's my reactions to her actions that don't help. I've tried to explain I want to support her and that the issue is us both but I just can't get through.
The bit about my grandparents is that now I have no one to talk to, I'm grieving but not getting any support at home. Even though tonight she said she wanted to, so is aware of what I'm currently going through. We have been in separate rooms since the incident I mentioned at my grandparents house a month ago.
I'm so upset because I feel ashamed that we as parents can't even make it two years as a family.
These moods stopped when she was pregnant.
I hope I don't sound chauvinistic I really have tried to be emphatic with her but I'm worn down by the moods and know I snap back when they start.
I recently did some reading which suggested to try not to fight back. I tried this but if you haven't done anything to warrant this kind of behaviour you're always going to defend yourself I guess.
I'm just so confused and sad and very very lonely.
I don't often use this website so might not know how to reply properly.
Thanks for reading. Please don't hate me I haven't read this back before posting.

Sorry. The grandparent part. I was very close and they recently died and I was executor. We were great friends and they always offered me good counsel. Now I'm alone.

She's abusive. She won't change, you need to do the right thing for yourself and leave her.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You can only help your own self ultimately.

The previous poster is correct; your wife is abusive and she will not change. She likely grew up seeing violence within the home but that is no justification or excuse. This relationship is over because of the abuse she metes out towards you and its not your fault she is acting like this.

I would urge you to contact these people as they can and will help:-
mensadviceline.org.uk/male-victims/ You need and deserve a life free from being abused.

Staying for the sake of your daughter never works out at all well and will not for either you or her.

What do you want to teach her about relationships and what is she learning here?.

Your daughter cannot and must not grow up seeing her mother abuse her father because she could well go on otherwise to abuse others in her own relationships. This is no relationship model to be showing her; its completely dysfunctional.

This is no life for you or your DD. She cannot grow up in a house where there is constant tension, shouting and abuse. Do not let the first thing you teach her be "How to walk on eggshells around mummy".

It's interesting though that you said the abuse stopped during pregnancy. The fact that her abuse comes on a regular recurring schedule very much points to some sort of external influence. The obvious conclusion is that it's hormone related. But there's no point suggesting that to her if she doesn't even accept that her behaviour is wrong. (Does she?)

Also, if it's hormone related (PMDD would be a first guess) that doesn't explain why she saves all her abuse for you. If it's genuinely a mood disorder she'd be taking it out on colleagues/customers and getting fired over it. And she'd be making a massive effort NOT to take it out on you. There is no excuse for her failing to address this.

After your DD, you are the person who she should be treating BEST in life.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You can only help your own self ultimately.

The previous poster is correct; your wife is abusive and she will not change. She likely grew up seeing violence within the home but that is no justification or excuse. This relationship is over because of the abuse she metes out towards you and its not your fault she is acting like this.

I would urge you to contact these people as they can and will help:-
mensadviceline.org.uk/male-victims/ You need and deserve a life free from being abused.

Thank you for that link and your advice. It's very much appreciated

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Also, if it's hormone related (PMDD would be a first guess) that doesn't explain why she saves all her abuse for you. If it's genuinely a mood disorder she'd be taking it out on colleagues/customers and getting fired over it. And she'd be making a massive effort NOT to take it out on you. There is no excuse for her failing to address this.

After your DD, you are the person who she should be treating BEST in life.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You make sense. I'm at least beginning to Imagine life not living with my daughter. I'm out with her now and our time is beautiful. I guess it always will be too. No matter if we live together or not. Some good points in your reply friend. Thank you.

Sounds like PMDD to me.

Doesn't mean you deserve or should put up with being treated like this.

But if it is PMDD there are ways of helping or managing the condition if she's open to it. She probably feels awful herself about the behaviour but again, you don't deserve to be on the receiving end.

Just saying there may be a way through together, maybe not.

A pp said if it was PMDD it would manifest at work and not be directed to you but that's not always the case imho.

Can sometimes be hard to get doctors to take PMDD seriously, it's worth doing some research as to who is available in your area. It can also take a while to find the right treatment.

@Y0Y0

Sounds like PMDD to me.

Doesn't mean you deserve or should put up with being treated like this.

But if it is PMDD there are ways of helping or managing the condition if she's open to it. She probably feels awful herself about the behaviour but again, you don't deserve to be on the receiving end.

Just saying there may be a way through together, maybe not.

A pp said if it was PMDD it would manifest at work and not be directed to you but that's not always the case imho.

Can sometimes be hard to get doctors to take PMDD seriously, it's worth doing some research as to who is available in your area. It can also take a while to find the right treatment.

Thank you Yoyo. Yes I think she does tend to feel bad afterwards as there's usually a spate of time after a mood swing where I feel She's been aware. I have been reading about all kinds of moods for a while but I will research PMDD. Could be post or pre. I wonder if it can be both. It's very bad when it happens and I really would like to learn and work with her and support. If it's a condition then together we could maybe ease it somehow. I know it's not easy for ladies at times and like I said earlier I don't want to come across as a chauvinist but we really hit the lowest point in our marriage there. I was ready to walk. I'm very thankful for your reply YoYo

Some women are indeed abusive towards their partner or spouse.

Whether its PMDD or not, her behaviour towards you (and in turn her DD) remains unacceptable. You've also tried talking to her about her moods and she is not interested. That tells me too she does not want to address it but continue to blame you (abusive people always blame others).

Unless she herself wants to address properly why she acts the ways she does towards you there is NOTHING you can do to help her. You can only help your own self and your child ultimately and staying in a relationship with undercurrents of verbal violence for the sake of your DD will not help your DD or you.

What is your wife's family background like; that often gives clues.

There is no excuse or acceptable justification for her actions towards you and PMDD in itself does not explain why she is reserving all this abuse for you solely. She not speaking to you for 5 days is an example of emotional abuse. This at home also affects your DD in turn, what is she learning about relationships here?. You live your life on eggshells aka living in fear, your DD will grow up learning those same damaging lessons too. Its no life for her either.

You are not your wife's emotional punchbag nor should you act as her rehab centre. I hope you did call the advice line as suggested. She has to take responsibility for her actions but she likely will not and continue to blame you instead for her inherent ills.

You have a choice re your wife; your child does not. Make choices that really do benefit you and your DD going forward.

This behaviour has to stop as soon as possible. You need to tell her that you are no longer prepared to accept her abuse of you and if she doesn't do something to change it, you will move out. Make plans to move out alongside this and be prepared to do it. The only one of the three of you that can do anything immediate is you. She has to change though. You might have to take control and get out in order for her to make the change that is needed. You can't control her actions but you can control your own and hard as it is, you are the only one out of the three of you that can sort this it would seem.

She can stop this, she just chooses to not do so. Remember that and use it to sort this dreadful situation.

I'm currently the biggest piece of scum alive so far as OH is concerned. Stems from my apparently not making proper eye contact when I brought her her breakfast in bed - shows that I didn't really want to do it and was martyring myself. Now all my many recent crimes, of which I was entirely unaware, have been communicated to me as if I am the lowest of the low - my phone is full of nasty, spiteful accusing texts.

She's been much better the last couple of years. Used to be around once a fortnight I would be clobbered for offences real and imagined. Straight to the nuclear option of sneering contempt and furious rage.

The only possible 'excuse' could be hormones. You said it stopped during pregnancy. Does she get worse before her periods?

Look up PNDD. If it fits she MUST see her GP. There is no excuse for her not to.

Apart from that, as others have said, don't stay thinking to protect your daughter.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Some women are indeed abusive towards their partner or spouse.

Whether its PMDD or not, her behaviour towards you (and in turn her DD) remains unacceptable. You've also tried talking to her about her moods and she is not interested. That tells me too she does not want to address it but continue to blame you (abusive people always blame others).

Unless she herself wants to address properly why she acts the ways she does towards you there is NOTHING you can do to help her. You can only help your own self and your child ultimately and staying in a relationship with undercurrents of verbal violence for the sake of your DD will not help your DD or you.

What is your wife's family background like; that often gives clues.

There is no excuse or acceptable justification for her actions towards you and PMDD in itself does not explain why she is reserving all this abuse for you solely. She not speaking to you for 5 days is an example of emotional abuse. This at home also affects your DD in turn, what is she learning about relationships here?. You live your life on eggshells aka living in fear, your DD will grow up learning those same damaging lessons too. Its no life for her either.

You are not your wife's emotional punchbag nor should you act as her rehab centre. I hope you did call the advice line as suggested. She has to take responsibility for her actions but she likely will not and continue to blame you instead for her inherent ills.

You have a choice re your wife; your child does not. Make choices that really do benefit you and your DD going forward.

All of this. Wise advice.

You are being abused. You've been punished for such tiny things and are now walking on eggshells.

As PP said, this is what your daughter will think relationships are supposed to look like.

The longer she lives under a roof in that relationship dynamic, the more likely she will be to replicate it either as the aggressor or the victim. I can tell how much you love your little girl and wouldn't want her to be either in a million years.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I'm really sorry about your grandparents also

@cooliebrown

I'm currently the biggest piece of scum alive so far as OH is concerned. Stems from my apparently not making proper eye contact when I brought her her breakfast in bed - shows that I didn't really want to do it and was martyring myself. Now all my many recent crimes, of which I was entirely unaware, have been communicated to me as if I am the lowest of the low - my phone is full of nasty, spiteful accusing texts.

She's been much better the last couple of years. Used to be around once a fortnight I would be clobbered for offences real and imagined. Straight to the nuclear option of sneering contempt and furious rage.

Please don't stay in a relationship where you're being abused - this is heartbreaking.

Wowser that sounds awful, hopefully you can get out soon

@cooliebrown

I'm currently the biggest piece of scum alive so far as OH is concerned. Stems from my apparently not making proper eye contact when I brought her her breakfast in bed - shows that I didn't really want to do it and was martyring myself. Now all my many recent crimes, of which I was entirely unaware, have been communicated to me as if I am the lowest of the low - my phone is full of nasty, spiteful accusing texts.

She's been much better the last couple of years. Used to be around once a fortnight I would be clobbered for offences real and imagined. Straight to the nuclear option of sneering contempt and furious rage.

Tha k you for your message and I truly feel your pain.
Someone on here gave me advice to ring a line and talk. The link is on this feed somewhere. Someone else told me to plan to leave DJ it can be done quickly.
Someone also advised me not to be an emotional punchbag.
I'm implementing all of these points and more from this feed with immediate effect. I hope you can too
It's a shame we can't message one an other over here too. Best of luck.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm really sorry about your grandparents also

Thank you so much for your kind and caring and very wise advice. It's greatly appreciated. It truly is. There's lots to take on board from lots of caring people which gives me great comfort. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I know what I need to do. X.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. Your advice has given me a strength and a realisation. I've never met any of you but feel I owe you all the world. Thank you. I know what needs to be done. X.

@cooliebrown

I'm currently the biggest piece of scum alive so far as OH is concerned. Stems from my apparently not making proper eye contact when I brought her her breakfast in bed - shows that I didn't really want to do it and was martyring myself. Now all my many recent crimes, of which I was entirely unaware, have been communicated to me as if I am the lowest of the low - my phone is full of nasty, spiteful accusing texts.

She's been much better the last couple of years. Used to be around once a fortnight I would be clobbered for offences real and imagined. Straight to the nuclear option of sneering contempt and furious rage.

Jeez mate, that sounds awful, are you planning to leave this situation?

My dp's ex is nuclear explosive. Nice then screaming, throwing things, hitting herself for the most tiny things. He has recently started to share what living with her was like. They separated many years ago.

She is an educated professional woman but crazy and nasty with it. The children only recently realised she ended the marriage whilst mid affair. She was nasty to and about his partner before me. She attempts to control everything.

Your wife is violent and abusive, it will not improve without intervention and only if she recognises it and wants help. Get out for your safety and that of child

@needhelpman

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me. Your advice has given me a strength and a realisation. I've never met any of you but feel I owe you all the world. Thank you. I know what needs to be done. X.

Look after yourself. Men are often the forgotten in domestic abuse situations