Advice on my partner

[Marshall02]

Hi, I just need some advice from an outsiders point of view. Been with my boyfriend for 10 years, got two lovely children 8 & 4.

He’s never been overly romantic & that’s never been an issue for me, but the past five years (especially last year & this year) our relationship has gone downhill. He sits on the PS4 most nights till nearly midnight, when he’s not on that he’s on his WhatsApp group chat with his “footy mates” & don’t get me wrong there’s been plenty of times I’ve been glued to my phone but I know when to put it down.

My problems are, from day one I’ve made the mistake of mothering him, he’s never cooked me a meal, only taken me on one date, never made me a nice bath, but I cook for him most nights, my son has Cystic Fibrosis so I’m extremely busy with him as well as my younger child.

I’m the only one who drives so I’m the only one who does the hospital visits with my son, I do the food shopping alone, I organise trips for us as a family, he never does, we now sleep in separate bedrooms & the kids sleep with me. Every single time I try to approach the subject of him & that stupid game there’s absolute murder, now I’m not stupid I will give as good as I get when we argue but I don’t want to argue I just want him to see how little he does for me & how desperate I am for him to make the effort. No matter how I approach the subject he jumps on the defence & says, all I wanna do is argue which in turn, turns into an argument because that’s not the case.

He’s never bought or organised anything for the kids birthdays, Christmases, Easter, I have chosen every gift, card, cake, eggs. As I’m typing this out I’m realising I’m basically a single mum. I see no way out of this hell. I’m a good mum & I don’t need no recognition I do everything for my kids but I cannot get away from their dad. If he could just see how good he has it & made an effort I’d be happy but he never ever does & he will never back down & I’m not backing down either. Sorry for my essay. I’m just mentally drained & can’t see an escape anymore.

Usually men don't respond to words but to actions so he has to have some consequences for his actions. I presume he works and supports the children but otherwise he is living the life of a teenager. Something has to change. If you don't feel ready to just turf him out depending on your housing situation could you stop cooking as much for example. Just make dinner earlier for yourself and the dc and say ..oh just fix something there for yourself. Begin to go out even if only for a long walk and leave him in charge of the children. Just take steps to change the dynamics.... or just show him the door as he is useless. I'm thinking you have a lot of stress with a child with CF and for him to not shoulder that with you is unforgivable

You don't deserve this. It sounds like you have made a rod for your own back, mothering him. He most likely does not see a problem here because you have accepted it for so long. Why does he sleep in a separate bedroom and the kids sleep with you? The children are old enough to sleep in their own beds. If he is doing his own thing on the playstation every night can you suggest one evening a week that you spend time together to watch a movie and get a takeaway or something? Go from there. And workload wise, can you maybe give him one job to do as a starting point. How often does the laundry need doing? Now it's his job. That is an easy one.

I had similar. Get rid.

Junebirthdaygirl you’re right he is living like a teenager. I’ve tried the no cooking & things like that but nothing is budging him. I know deep down what I need to do. Thank you for your advice x

Fluffyatemycake - I did make a rod for my own back & no matter how many times I try to fix that it never ends well. My kids have their own rooms, he started sleeping in my eldest sons room when he caught Covid & to be honest I liked it that way & that’s not a good sign & so I had to keep my children with me constantly with my son having cystic fibrosis I couldn’t risk him waking up
In the middle of the night & going to his room whilst his dad was isolating there & it’s just kind of stayed that way. But it’s like trying to talk to a wall, I’ve tried to gentle approach, the angry approach, the silent treatment. I feel like I’ve exhausted all avenues but can’t put my kids through a break up even though I’m just prolonging the inevitable.

I know you’re right. I just think I needed to hear the same things. It’s just hard when kids are involved isn’t it

Get rid of him. He's not just useless, he's a detriment. Show him the door and move on with your life. All of you will be much happier.

What does he even do for the kids if he’s always on the game though? Don’t wash his stuff, don’t make him food, don’t write his name on cards to the kids, don’t drive him anywhere unless it’s a family trip. An element of this is selfish man thing but an element is maybe upbringing right, was his mum always running about after his dad? Or would his mum be ashamed of his current behaviour?

You made the wrong choice I'm afraid. I did too, it's heartbreaking to realise this but you must. Most men don't do this.Most men step up, we just haven't found them.

Have you told him you are unhappy and why? This is no way to live and is absolutely not normal. You should be parenting as a team. It seems like he is he sitting on his arse doing sweet fk all while you pick up all the slack. I know it is hard to accept things are not working as you have been together such a long time and there are kids involved but really, how much harder would it be without him? You are already doing everything yourself. Could you financially support yourselves without him? Do you have a good support network outside of this? Friends or family who you can lean on for emotional support?

Been there got the t shirts...and who looks after you, only you can decide your future..nothing worth fighting for is easy...fight for you, because you do matter

Louosetrees I haven’t done anything for him all week & I’m determined not too although I know deep down I need to get him out. Oh his mum, where do I start? His mum is a closet alcoholic who’s only ever put his step dad before her kids, his step dad is the biggest narcissist person I’ve had the displeasure of meeting, & his real dad died as he was a drug addict. So he hasn’t had the best upbringing & that’s why I’ve always overcompensated with him but I can’t do it anymore. He doesn’t do anything with them, he’s not a bad dad, otherwise he’d have been turfed at the beginning. He just sits with them & now & then he’ll have some interaction with them but nothing like I do with them. I’m not making excuses up. I know I’ve made a rod for my own back & I need to sort it out. I just needed to vent. Thank you

Fluffyatemycake I can do it alone, I’m financially stable it’s just getting him out the house I’d probably have to ring the police as I don’t want to uproot the kids & move away if that makes sense. Because he has nowhere to go so he wouldn’t willingly go. I’ve told him so many times I’m unhappy & it’s fallen on deaf ears every single time. I have family I could stay with but they live 2 mins away from me & he wouldn’t hesitate to come to their homes & then my kids would be in the middle of it. I’m definitely going to leave him I know I need too. It’s just putting my kids through it which is holding me back

Puddled2 you’re so right & I know I need to take all this advice onboard & get my arse into gear. I appreciate all the advice x

Kids are resilient. They will adjust. You need to do this for yourself. So what if he turns up at your parents or friends house? Tell him to do one! You absolutely can do this on your own. It sounds like you have had enough and there is no coming back from this. You have reached your limit. Can you honestly see yourself in 5 years still stuck in this rut? This will be a pipe dream unless you tell your family/friends you are doing this and make a plan together. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of leaving so you will have to go. He is clearly in denial. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is am impossible situation. Of course he is happy to continue this way, he gets to do whatever he wants while you wait on him hand and foot