How do you accept that he has never actually loved you

[lostitall]

Finally split from my partner of two years.
I'm annoyed with wasting so much time and not listening to my instinct be he was literally like two different people. Really caring and sensitive but also would be stone cold and emotionally unavailable
He told me he loved me we would be together forever x y z. But his actions would tell me otherwise , his lack of intention to commit and a trillion chances why. I finally laid it out to him , if he loves me like he says his actions will show me this so no more trying on my part. He then reveals he has never loved me but wanted to keep me to himself as he was jealous of me going with other guys but also just in case he didn't find anyone else.
He's obviously a massive prat and has no desirable qualities but I did love him. A lot. So how do I get past this

He’s a dick. Don’t make this about him, he’s not worth the effort and to be fair he’s told you why he’s done it - didn’t like the idea of you being with someone else / a backup for him.

Your lesson from this is actions speak louder than words. Anyone can talk a good game. Notch it up to experience- you won’t let it happen again.

He sounds bonkers, j really wouldn't worry about if, how, when he loves anyone; he doesn't sound capable of it.

Two years isnt that long - many people have wasted longer on wankers.

He’s probably lying, but as he loved you as much as he was capable of and was still very much lacking it actually doesn’t matter. You are well rid op

Celebrate the fact that you only wasted 2 years and have learned some valuable lessons in shithead detecting. I wasted 13 years, all of my 20s and early 30s on mine. So you are way ahead of where I was!

I got 2 kids with someone who went to stripclubs whilst i was struggling home with our first. I went on to marry him and after 12 years of ‘relationship’ 5 of which was married, we divorced. Be glad you only wasted 2 years

I wasted 17 years on mine who never loved me, he was with me because of cultural reasons and our girls. I wasted my 20s and 30s but I figure that my 40s can be a fresh start. It's a hard pill to swallow I know but be glad you can move on now.

Myself and my boyfriend of 5 years broke up 10 weeks ago after I asked him how he felt about me. To my shock, he told me he'd never been in love with me. Obviously we couldn't continue on. I've been through hello since, even though I know there's no going back. He's always been emotionally detached, although I didn't think he'd be with me if he didn't love me. How wrong was I!

If he didn't love you then that is on him. It doesn't make you unlovable.

He is obviously looking to cause a major reaction in you..perhaps to hurt you as much as he feels damaged inside. Happy secure people don't seek to deliberately hurt someone else so he is projecting what is going on for him inside. I know it's hard to understand but it suggests he is pretty damaged. I guess he had a troubled childhood??

Btw, 2 years is usually about the time when it's make or break so you haven't over invested. If you're an empathic person then you may give people the benefit of the doubt and society encourages us to make allowances. If you had instincts about his behaviour then congratulate yourself but tell yourself you will trust your instincts in future.

Let yourself be sad for a bit, mourn the relationship that you thought you had. Then try and pick yourself up and realise you can obviously do better.

Also two years isn’t that long! I had an entire decade with my ex and he’s a complete knob. I don’t think of it as wasted time though, I ended up with my son and I learned an important lesson about not being a doormat. Try and think about what this relationship has taught you going forward.

Don't waste any more time on this person

He has told you his thoughts

You deserve better
Put your time & energy into yourself first, then look for someone else
You were right his actions, did not match his words

You loved him and that’s why you stayed, nothing to be regretful about.
But learn from it, so it wasn’t a waste of life, and move on.
I keep saying on MN, learn to be alone and happy, then any relationship should be a bonus.

@Fireflygal

If he didn't love you then that is on him. It doesn't make you unlovable.

He is obviously looking to cause a major reaction in you..perhaps to hurt you as much as he feels damaged inside. Happy secure people don't seek to deliberately hurt someone else so he is projecting what is going on for him inside. I know it's hard to understand but it suggests he is pretty damaged. I guess he had a troubled childhood??

Btw, 2 years is usually about the time when it's make or break so you haven't over invested. If you're an empathic person then you may give people the benefit of the doubt and society encourages us to make allowances. If you had instincts about his behaviour then congratulate yourself but tell yourself you will trust your instincts in future.

Yes abusing childhood etc We could never discuss any issues though as this was always thrown in my face

@lostitall, I learned that some people can never recover from an abusive childhood. They may appear OK, be outwardly successful and have good social skills but a close intimate relationship will always trigger them. They will then turn the disgust, hurt and shame they feel inside onto their unsuspecting partner. If you got out in 2 years you did way better than me! I wanted a relationship but ended up learning about psychology and it was ultimately a very destructive relationship for me.

I would really encourage you to go no contact as he may try to come back. It will never get better as you can't fix him through love or understanding.

It is very sad but it's akin to a dog who has been mistreated from birth, they may turn on you at any stage and it is unpredictable and always undeserved.

Love doesn't fix it. Even counselling doesn't have high success rates. I only heard later on how awful Ex's childhood was, I knew but there was physical aggression from his mum but I didn't know, until later he and his siblings all tolerated manipulation, emotional neglect and abuse. His home life had no love at all, it was just survival but outwardly they projected the image of a achieving middle class family.

I think men tend to act out more from an abusive childhood because they don't learn to express emotion plus they don't have the support that women have in friends.

[quote Fireflygal]@lostitall, I learned that some people can never recover from an abusive childhood. They may appear OK, be outwardly successful and have good social skills but a close intimate relationship will always trigger them. They will then turn the disgust, hurt and shame they feel inside onto their unsuspecting partner. If you got out in 2 years you did way better than me! I wanted a relationship but ended up learning about psychology and it was ultimately a very destructive relationship for me.

I would really encourage you to go no contact as he may try to come back. It will never get better as you can't fix him through love or understanding.

It is very sad but it's akin to a dog who has been mistreated from birth, they may turn on you at any stage and it is unpredictable and always undeserved.

Love doesn't fix it. Even counselling doesn't have high success rates. I only heard later on how awful Ex's childhood was, I knew but there was physical aggression from his mum but I didn't know, until later he and his siblings all tolerated manipulation, emotional neglect and abuse. His home life had no love at all, it was just survival but outwardly they projected the image of a achieving middle class family.

I think men tend to act out more from an abusive childhood because they don't learn to express emotion plus they don't have the support that women have in friends.[/quote]
No I think you are right
He doesn't really have any friends and certainly wouldn't share his feelings with anyone

OP - first - you’ll be ok. You are young and there will be other bfs and partners.

As to whether he loved you. Thing is - there is no one definition. Everyone experiences it it their own way. And loving someone doesn’t change a person’s actual character/personality. So - if he is a closed off, emotionally immature, selfish, dealing with past issues etc - he won’t act ‘loving’ in the way you expect him to.

So - love really is not enough for a relationship to work out. People also need to fit on a lot of other dimensions - starting from the way they express/experience love and all the way to practical.

I know this is probably not very helpful at the moment...but in time you will laugh about it! I've been heartbroken a couple of times, but now I see them in the street and burst out laughing thinking ...wtf was wrong with me to be so upset about that waster 🤣🤣🤣