When is it time to have The Talk?

[Rainallnight]

When and how did you tell your DP/H that you weren’t happy and something needed to change?

I’m not happy but I’m fairly positive DP thinks we’re basically ok but going through a hard time because of Covid and some other circumstantial stuff that’s happened over past couple of years.

I feel I need to say something but that will just blow it all open and I’m not even sure what I’m looking for.

What did you do? How do you call it?

It depends on your situation.
How long you've been together. Children. What the problems are.

I did this last night. In the end he confronted me and we had a discussion about how I'm not happy and might want to leave. My DH is similar in that he assumes everything is fine unless I complain, but I hadn't told him I love him for months and he had noticed. We're now in an awkward nomansland where we've agreed to try counselling but can't start yet for practical reasons. Counseling might be a way to help you say what you want to say with someone to facilitate? Perhaps you could suggest that?
It is so difficult.

What is it that you're unhappy about? For me, I'm just not attracted to him anymore, which is a difficult message to deliver.

You need to be clear in your own mind about what would make you happy and whether that is realistic. So if your DH/DP would need an entire personality transplant to make you feel loved and supported, that won't happen. If they could do practical things - share childcare more equitably, make dinner at least three nights a week - that is more achievable. I think the big question really is, do you look at them still and just love the bones of them, even if they are being temporarily irritating or crap?

I am one year out of a relationship where I realised, after counselling and lots of heart ache, that we were just not compatible. We were older parents and I know that i compromised a bit to marry him at 37 as I wanted kids. He is a decent man and we had a few very pleasant years pre kids, with lots of travel for work and pleasure.

I now see it is quite easy to rub along with someone if 80% of your relationship is getting on the Eurostar for nice dinners in Paris. As co-parents, he was disengaged, resentful of any encroachment into his work or precious sleep time and really unsympathetic when I had bad PND after DS2. Since we have separated, he has had to step up a lot more as a parent and I think has learned to appreciate what I contributed a lot more. I don't think I will ever really forgive him for being so crap and insensitve during my hardest time. However, I don't really feel angry about that any more, just a bit sad sometimes. Kids are fine as they were so used to us being apart because of his work and he still lives nearby, so they probably saw more of him in WFH/ lockdown than previously.