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Original poster

Help me put boundaries in with STBXH

25 replies

Tinkytee · 23/04/2021 11:39

My husband left me last year with 2 young children. Was having an affair with someone we both know and potentially another woman that I can’t be sure on. He admitted the first affair.
I have been living with my sister since we sold our house a few months ago and am ready to move into my new home. At my sisters house my ex collected kids at the door and didn’t come in.
When I collect at his house I didn’t go in for the first few months however he actively asked me to come in after that as my daughter was a bit upset at me leaving so was a bit easier to say goodbyes in there.
In my new house I don’t want him inside. I’m so proud of our new home and have don’t it all myself (he left me in an awful financial position). He keeps telling the kids on FaceTime he can’t wait to see their new house and I heard him say last week he will come in for tea in our new house.
I want to tell him firmly and clearly that that won’t be happening. I don’t like seeing him and am still healing from the break up. But at the same time I want to do what’s best for the kids and maybe having him in shows them we somewhat get along?
I want to text him this rather than face to face, he will think I’m being very awkward and unreasonable as always but I just want some sort of control over this.

OP posts:

username12345T · 23/04/2021 12:02

Who gives a toss what he thinks? Text if you want to text. Don't let him in the house and arrange drop off somewhere else like your sister's if it's a problem. Be firm: "No, that doesn't work for me."

I told the children I'd have my dinner there.
No, that doesn't work for me.
Oh..but
It's not up for discussion. See you next Wed as usual.

Original poster

Tinkytee · 23/04/2021 12:05

Thanks for your reply. I get that and usually I can be very firm but then I wonder is this best for the kids? Not that he thought what was best for anyone for himself but I want to make this transition as easier for my children as possible

OP posts:

Overdueanamechange · 23/04/2021 12:09

I wouldn't even get into a dialogue with him about this, just do the handover on the doorstep. If he asks to come in, just say no.
It would be nice though for the children if you could get to the stage when you can let him in for a coffee, particularly childrens Birthdays, Christmas etc, as you would a friend, but the timescale on this is for you to decide.

romdowa · 23/04/2021 12:09

Keeping the boundaries clear for your children is the best thing for them in the long run. They have no association with your exhub and new house and I would keep it that way. If he gets a foot in the door then it will be harder to get him out again.

cheeseismydownfall · 23/04/2021 12:31

Echoing what romdowa says, clear boundaries are much, much healthier for the children. Obviously it is much better for everyone involved if relations are kept civil and superficially friendly, but (speaking from my own experience as a child of parents who divorced) anything more can actually be really confusing for children and make it harder for them to process what has happened. I think you are absolutely right to keep your exH out of your space right now. You can always revisit it later down the line when you feel more confident about dealing with it on your own terms.

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 12:46

Start as you mean to go on. No entry.

Drinkingallthewine · 23/04/2021 12:48

His house, his choice.
Your house, your choice.

Sally2791 · 23/04/2021 12:55

Your new house is your safe place, he doesn’t get to decide anything about it and certainly doesn’t invite himself in.
Quietly, firmly, repeat “no”.
The dc will respect you for making boundaries, they can enjoy their time with him at his house.

Ostryga · 23/04/2021 12:59

Clear boundaries and polite hangovers are the way forward. Your children will do better learning what boundaries are and from an early age. It will help them massively in the long run with what a healthy relationship is.

Keep everything about the children. Don’t enter into any emotional dialogue. Pick ups/drop off you tell him what he needs to know about the children and that’s it. If he starts you just out on a big smile and say “have a lovely time with daddy! I’ll see you soon!” wave and close the door.

If your daughter is upset that is completely normal. My Dd gets teary every time her dad comes but is absolutely fine 2 minutes later. Just be positive and happy and she’ll pick it up soon enough.

Ostryga · 23/04/2021 12:59

Polite HANDOVERS

Original poster

Tinkytee · 23/04/2021 13:10

@Ostryga

Polite HANDOVERS

😂😂 I actually thought you were telling me to fake a hangover!!

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 23/04/2021 13:13

Definitely start as you mean to go on , he does not come in. It's your house you decide who comes in

Original poster

Tinkytee · 23/04/2021 13:15

I just don’t know how to put it to him. I want to text him to give him the heads up about it. I genuinely don’t feel in a place to entertain him in my own and I still feel so angry at how he treated me and I want to have some control over this as I have had no say over anything the past year

OP posts:

UhtredRagnarson · 23/04/2021 13:16

I think text is the right way to go here. I would send something like “I heard you discussing our new house with DC and just wanted to clarify before we move in that you won’t be welcome to come inside. Hand overs will continue at the door as they have always done at my sisters house.”

User0ne · 23/04/2021 13:58

The best thing for the children is for you to feel safe and secure in your home; they'll know if you don't.

He gets no say in who enters your home. I think you need to be really clear with the kids that it isn't his home and he is just picking them up. You should also tell him (text is better as it's in writing) that you want him to stop confusing the children by saying that he will be coming into your home for tea etc and that any suggestions like that need to be agreed by you first.

Sparky888 · 23/04/2021 14:03

Just think how awkward it will be if he comes in, walks around, wants a cup of tea. Stays for a bit. Much worse. And then once done, he’ll do it whenever he feels like it. Harder to stop, than to stop before it begins. It doesn’t sound like that would be ‘better’ for the kids either, they like clear rules. You can still be nice. Have their shoes on ready, and if he says he wants to see it, say he can see it on FaceTime next week.

cheeseismydownfall · 23/04/2021 14:18

I think the wording suggested by UhtredRagnarson does the job. And if he keeps going on about it just keep repeating "I have made my position clear, this is not something that I will discuss further". Repeat as many times as necessary. Don't get dragged into a debate and whatever you do, don't try and justify your decision because that will leave you open to him trying to undermine your judgement.

LemmysAceCard · 23/04/2021 14:30

He will be wanting to mark his territory, before you know it he will be doing odd jobs you havent asked him to do, giving his opinion on how you have decorated, taking big shits in your toilet, having a nosy in your bedroom, helping himself to food out of the fridge.

Dont let him OP, once he starts it will be hard to stop. You dont want him in your safe space, it is your private place and you dont him strutting around spoiling it for you.

I would be forthright and just say that all handovers will at the door and there will be no cosy family dinners in your house.

Whythesadface · 23/04/2021 14:40

Use your phrasing above.
About getting along and needing him not to enter your new home.
Tell him not to ask as even in from of the children the answer will be know.

Gilda152 · 23/04/2021 14:43

I understand your quandary. Whilst exh and I split reasonably amicably, when he met his next (now ex wife) he treated our daughter and me terribly and it's taken a long time for that to heal. DD is now 18, (she was 8 when we split) and has rebuilt her relationship with her dad since his divorce with stepmother from hell, she does like me to go into his house if I give her a lift from there. I am happily married and I will go in and have a coffee because it's nice for my daughter, however I don't really like him coming into mine. I haven't spelled it out I just avoid the situation arising. To the point I have made slow cooker teas for daughter and exh to have at his house because he's certainly not invited for tea at mine. Be cordial, for the sake of your children, but don't let him manipulate you. What he did to you means he is not your friend, so he doesn't get to behave as such.

OneFootintheRave · 23/04/2021 15:30

@LemmysAceCard

Dont let him OP, once he starts it will be hard to stop. You dont want him in your safe space, it is your private place and you dont him strutting around spoiling it for you.

I would be forthright and just say that all handovers will at the door and there will be no cosy family dinners in your house.

This ^^

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 23/04/2021 16:04

Text is a great idea, be polite but factual and if your children ask why he can't come in the just saythat he has his own house now and doesn't live with us anymore.

My friend used to say their house was a Fort that daddy's weren'tallowed in to hers as he used to get their kids to ask her almost daily (he was abusive and manipulative) but after that excuse her small kids used to laugh at him and say he couldn't come in all on their own.

Theluggagerules · 23/04/2021 17:53

I go into my exs on drop off so my child feels secure but I haven't even given him an address for our new house. I let him into our first flat and had a very confused and upset child, so never again

Blanca87 · 23/04/2021 18:10

What a prick! He thinks you would run after him making him dinner like a good little women. This is not in the best interest of the kids, this would be misogyny playing out in front of them. Fuck that! Especially after he treated you.

DoingItMyself · 23/04/2021 18:40

Say no, you don't want visitors in the house.

I let my ex in, and my six year old came running to me saying 'Daddy changed the television channel, in our house!' Even she felt the intrusion. We continued to let him in but I told him firmly he didn't get to make any decisions there.

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