My DPs email address is his abusive ex wife's name

[Ilovetheseventies]

My DP and I have been together 3.5 years..
I knew his email address was his ex wives name. Its her first name and her maiden name so say it was Tracey Smith it's traysmith@shortened somewhat.
I happened to mention it to him as it was bugging me slightly. She has been very abusive and up until recently text him and phoned him constantly.
He explained that initially he had set it up with her together (he wasn't allowed his own) then eventually she got a new address and he kept the old one. He has had it for ages and he's thought nothing of it and it would be a real hassle to change it.
I can see why he wouldn't give it much thought I just think it's a bit odd.
He then said but you've not changed Yr name. I'm not divorced yet and I want to keep the same name as my children unless of cause my DP and I decide to get married.
He did offer to change his email address but it is alot of hassle. I couldn't imagine keeping my ex husbands name and surname for an e mail address I'd want my own name. Why not?

Yeah it's a bit weird alright, but if it's tied to a lot of stuff it might be a pain to change it

I agree that's a bit weird. However it's his choice, if you are 100% sure that things are over between them then I guess it doesn't matter really.

I’ve got two friends who have both been divorced for decades, neither has children, both in long term relationships and both not only keep and use their “Mrs” exH name but incorporate the Mrs into their signature- so when they sign anything they don’t put Anne Bloggs or A Bloggs, they write Mrs Anne Bloggs. One of them often refers to herself as Mrs Bloggs in conversation when recounting an anecdote. It’s bizarre.

I've been divorced for donkeys years but I kept the bugger's surname as it was the name I was known by for work. I'd have kept an email address for same reason. I can barely remember what he looks like, it's purely for my own convenience.

If they set it up together surely she can still access it? He should change it for that reason alone. What phone numbers/other emails are the recovery ones?

Is he actually divorced? Loads of people keep their married name after divorce, as you say, it is their family name with their children. But his name isn't Tracy Smith, is it? It sounds like it isn't even John Smith, it's John Bloggs. In his shoes I'd get a new one and wind the old one down. But in his shoes I also wouldn't be pursuing a relationship with someone who is married. So I'm finding him strange on 2 counts!

@JosephineDeBeauharnais

I’ve got two friends who have both been divorced for decades, neither has children, both in long term relationships and both not only keep and use their “Mrs” exH name but incorporate the Mrs into their signature- so when they sign anything they don’t put Anne Bloggs or A Bloggs, they write Mrs Anne Bloggs. One of them often refers to herself as Mrs Bloggs in conversation when recounting an anecdote. It’s bizarre.

Why is it bizarre that she refer to herself.... by her own actual name?! That’s not the same as the email address situation the OP is having.

Yes, it's a bit of a pita to update addresses, but he should do it, even if it's over time. Because it's just weird to use a name that has never been yours, unless you've set up,something completely pseudonymous to hide your real identity completely (but even then it's normal to have your own main one as well)

It's not that difficult to check on two accounts - on some devices you can put them into one combined inbox any how, or he could set up an auto forward rule. So he won't miss anything and will be able to tell people to use the new one when he's in touch anyhow

He shouid definitely check she can no longer get in to the account at all.

I know it's the sort of faffy thing that people put off. As he's offered to change it, I don't see what the issue is

Both of you have reasons to keep old names around. Yours isn’t any better than his, tbh.

@LittleRa it’s bizarre of anyone to include the word “Mrs” in their signature, never mind someone who was divorced decades ago, and has never remarried.

He has definetly made it so she can't access his e mails so that's fine.
I'm legally separated and am waiting for a divorce but due to covid still waiting to hear from courts it's taken months. So my DP isn't seeing a married woman.
I think I just found it odd sending e mails to her name instead of his.
As you say he did offer to change it and there's nothing to it other than that.
A name can mean something and nothing I suppose.
If I don't marry my DP then my surname would go back to my maiden name which is actually also my mother's maiden name as she never married. I want to have the same surname as my children for now.
Changing a name is way much more hassle than changing an e mail. It's less hassle if you remarry.
My friend has just gone back to her maiden name and it was a right pain.

It really isn't that difficult to set up and start using a new email. Any important contacts he can email straight away with the new address. Gradually start swapping over log ins for websites. When he gets an email, reply and give the new email address as future contact. It's weird and he should change it!

OP - it’s not about ease of changing name vs email. It’s a principle of fairness.
You actively want to keep your exH’s names. You have your reasons.
It’s unreasonable to then to have an issue with his situation.
What if he told you he gets upset/hurt every time your married name pops up. And I bet you - it does a lot more often than an email.

[quote JosephineDeBeauharnais]@LittleRa it’s bizarre of anyone to include the word “Mrs” in their signature, never mind someone who was divorced decades ago, and has never remarried.[/quote]
I’m a teacher and get called Mrs ExH’s surname all day every day... only it’s not Mrs HisName really, it’s Mrs MyName.

An e mail address is not comparable to a surname. Its my name I'm not using my ex husbands name as an email I use my own name.
And my Facebook strava etc is in my maiden name so it doesn't pop up.

He could set up a new email and then have the emails delivered to the same inbox.

I have 4 email addresses that go to one inbox. I never use one of them anymore.

@LittleRa you’re misunderstanding me. These women are writing Mrs as if it’s their name, not their title. People don’t usually incorporate their title into their name when they write their signature.

That's really odd and it's just laziness why he hasn't changed it. Offer to help him. All you have to do is write one email and sent to everyone. Keep the old email going for a year in case of any insurance renewals/subscriptions etc get missed.
Anyway, surely he must get odd looks giving out an email address with a girls name, he can't be comfortable with that?!
Not a deal breaker but it's symbolic of him not moving on in general maybe.

Agree its laziness. I recently changed email addresses. I don't like putting all my eggs in one basket. Sticking to one old email address for everything is surely a security risk. Financial things go to one address, work, personal, shopping to another. I have one for things that I think could generate spam or I'm not sure about.

It wasn't hard to change my email anywhere. Amazon had more security checks than my bank. I wrote a list of all the important places that need changing. Then ticked them off as they were confirmed. I still check my old email just in case theres anything I missed. But all this probably took an evening.

Totally bizarre he is using her entire name as his email account, her first name and her maiden last name. So not his name at all. Never was his name

This is completely different to using a married name

I changed my email recently. It is not such a hassle to change email. He can create a new email with his own name, put at auto reply on the old email advising of new email. Some email accounts also offer free forwarding so he could do that in addition to the auto reply of new email notification.

He should log into important accounts and change his email address

He can then occasionally check the old email for anything that comes in and notify something missed directly. If anything, he’ll get a lot less spam

It's dead easy to change emails - just do an auto forward from the old one, ta dah, done.

It takes less than 5 minutes to set up a new email. He can keep the old one for any emails he missed and update those people gradually and use his new email with his name or what he chooses.

It is weird to continue using an email address containing name of an ex , especially an abusive one. It is not the same as not changing your married surname because you have children with your married surname. That's bizarre logic as that's your identity. Many married mothers (or fathers if they took their ex wives surname) keep those due to children's name issue.

He open a new Gmail address which will import all of the emails from the old address. If his ex still has the password to his old address then obviously he needs to change that.