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Original poster

How to know if he is just after sex?

16 replies

overthinker333 · 23/04/2021 02:06

Ok, as my username suggests I may be overthinking this but I'd appreciate some of your thoughts.

Met a guy from OLD a couple of weeks ago. Before we met, I asked him why he was on Hinge and he said that he was looking for a relationship (same as me). On the first date he was very nervous but I thought that was sweet. He was still nervous on the second date but less so. We had sex for the first time on the second date and it was amazing - properly mind blowing. I've never experienced anything like it and since then the 'relationship' has been pretty intense, seeing each other 2/3 times a week.

He seems like a really kind, lovely guy and we share similar values and interests. Our dates are not centred around sex (although we do always have it) - we go for dinner or drinks etc and he has booked for us to go to a drive in cinema thing in May. He really makes an effort with the dates too eg chooses my favourite cuisines for the meals we go out for, never lets me pay etc. In person we have interesting conversations about all kinds of things however, the text chat is very sex heavy and generally led by him. In some ways I can understand it because the sex is mind blowing, but in other ways it worries me that he may only want me for sex.

I grew up in the Catholic tradition so am a bit weird around sex. Do you think I should be worried or just enjoy it and go with the flow? After all, sex is part of a relationship/getting to know someone. It's not just perfunctory sex either, he really makes an effort and takes his time to worship my body and please me. He's done things like make a 'love nest' (basically a den made out of chairs, cushions and sheets) which to me seems romantic and suggests that it's not just about the physical act but I am second guessing myself. He says he cares about me but what if he's just saying that so he can use me for sex?

The only other concern I have is that he has been extremely keen from our first date and is already talking about possibly going away together in the summer. Could he be a future faker? I've read so many horror stories on mumsnet that I've lost trust of my judgement!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2021 02:10

I think the important thing is to live in the now. You're having nice dates and great sex. Even if it doesn't go the way you want... nice dates and great sex. I mean the worst is that he's a Right Now Man. And again, nice dates and great sex. Silence that inner Catholic and go with it.

Cameleongirl · 23/04/2021 02:21

I agree with the PP, enjoy the moment and don’t worry about where it will lead. Suggesting that you go on holiday together might simply be an indication of how much he thinks of you, rather then future faking. Enjoy the passion and the romance, it sounds great!

frogface69 · 23/04/2021 02:28

Go with the flow is my advice. Enjoy ! I can understand about having doubts but you enjoy the sex as well and it goes both ways. No man has ever made an effort like that with me. I wish !

NiceGerbil · 23/04/2021 02:32

If he was just after sex he'd have dumped you after he got it.

As a general point I have found that early sex is a great way to sort the genuine ones from the others!

Just enjoy. He sounds nice to me.

NiceGerbil · 23/04/2021 02:33

I'm impressed that the first go was mind blowing! That's rare.

Tell him you don't like the sexting. He should say ok and stop. If he's a good un.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2021 02:38

In person we have interesting conversations about all kinds of things however, the text chat is very sex heavy and generally led by him.

This would massively put me off, honestly. A bit of sexting, ok, constant, ugh. It's so juvenile. Other than that, he sounds genuinely keen, so I would just see how it goes.

Norwolf · 23/04/2021 02:44

Op as your username says, you are overthinking this.

Enjoy the times you get together as it sounds like you are having a good time. Go with the flow....

Original poster
overthinker333 · 23/04/2021 02:46

Thank you everyone! Another good sign is that he didn't at all pressure me into sex on the second date - he didn't touch me anywhere without permission and repeatedly told me that we could wait/didn't have to do it there and then/he didn't want to rush me.

Thank you all for the reassurance!

OP posts:
Sakurami · 23/04/2021 03:07

Enjoy it if you're enjoying it. But remember that it is about what you want too, not him.

When you message, do you talk about other things and he brings it round to sex? If you want to change the subject then ignore the sex stuff and talk about other stuff.

Pesimistic · 23/04/2021 05:31

I think of your having regular sex and meeting often, and planning things into the future it should naturaly fall into conversation for either one of you to talk or bring up about being exclusive, if neither of you haven't brought it up at this point or what you want, i'd be a bit jubious.

Suzi888 · 23/04/2021 05:53

“basically a den made out of chairs, cushions and sheets”Confused what?! that would give me the ick far more!
Aside from that as long as your happy and you talk about other things apart from sex and the relationship is progressing then seems fine. I’d want things to be exclusive soon though.

alexdgr8 · 29/04/2021 20:03

the chairs, cushions, sheets love nest sounds creepy to me.
like something children do, make a den, but transposed for very adult purposes.
seems an odd clash of interests, activities.
are you quite inexperienced in these matters. do you think he likes that in you. i would be a bit wary.

do you have older sisters/cousins/friends in whom you can confide.
what do your friends think of him.
sorry if you've already answered this.
all the best.

Bbub · 29/04/2021 21:55

I knew people would be mean about the love nest... But there's nothing wrong with it jeez let them have fun! It's not creepy to get cosy?!

The sexting thing would annoy me but he otherwise sounds good. You could ask him to cool it a bit on the text and see how he reacts...

MrsMaizel · 29/04/2021 21:58

Is your Catholic tradition telling you that men use women for sex ? Don't you enjoy it ?

me4real · 29/04/2021 22:20

@overthinker333 He sounds nice OP, making a den is cute. In future when dating, if you'd feel more comfortable with taking things slower then do so.

Is your Catholic tradition telling you that men use women for sex? Don't you enjoy it ?

@MrsMaizel I wasn't brought up Catholic and I know men often use women for sex because it's happened to me many times. I like sex but it isn't all I was with them for, whereas it was all they were using me for, when I had feelings for them.

@overthinker333 Your one sounds ok tho. Smile

Dery · 29/04/2021 22:54

@overthinker333 - there are no guarantees. He could tick all the boxes and the relationship could still end. That’s why PPs are saying - just enjoy what you’ve got going on now. It all sounds pretty promising to me.

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