Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

feeling fairly done in

9 replies

fringeandtrainers · 22/04/2021 21:20

Brief.

Have been with my partner for over ten years and we have two children. Classic ups and downs. He is in recovery (about 4 years) and has done really well. I love him very much.

BUT.

Still so many issues. We argue a lot and it can get grim. I don't feel desired (we barely have sex - I was pregnant twice, but even so, he just seemed to stop) - he gets very stressed with life and I have to step up and do a lot. I am trying to work on being more undertstanding and less critical (i do it to myself so I know i do it to him)

I just don't feel happy with him more than I feel unhappy and irked!
I walked out just now fairly calmy because he got so defensive when I was trying to help. I even say 'i'm on your side' because I am...

I have said to him that if things don't improve soon we will separate, I hate the thought of it, but our relationship hasn't been great for six months or so consistently. He was shocked but I don't know what else to do. It feels as though i've tried to talk, tried to make plans and the same things and feelings appear again and again.

OP posts:

moirarosebabay · 23/04/2021 12:59

Is he going to meetings and doing his recovery properly? If he's working a 12 step program properly he should be constantly looking at his behaviour as addicts are inherently selfish and self involved. I am over 5 years in recovery and need to work at it every day or I'll slip into old behaviours. But I'm happy most of the time and (I'm told) a nice person to be around because for the most part I put in the work. Lockdown zoom meetings have been amazing.

Original poster

fringeandtrainers · 23/04/2021 13:46

@moirarosebabay he is and he does but he has slipped a bit lately ( I think) - he is only doing one meeting a week at the moment. I tried to gently suggest doing more but he is combabtative about it. Sigh.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/04/2021 13:51

It seems like you want his recovery more than he does, and that's always a dangerous time in addiction.

It doesn't seem like a very happy life for you. If you think of living separately, how do you think your life would be different?

Original poster

fringeandtrainers · 23/04/2021 13:58

@hollowtalk that's a good question. I don't know. I'm just stuck in the bit where I know I am not happy and need something to shift or change. He said this morning that he did hear me and recognises where I find things troubling. But knowing and doing something about it are two different things, right?

OP posts:

moirarosebabay · 23/04/2021 14:01

[quote fringeandtrainers]@moirarosebabay he is and he does but he has slipped a bit lately ( I think) - he is only doing one meeting a week at the moment. I tried to gently suggest doing more but he is combabtative about it. Sigh.[/quote]
I personally don't think 1 meeting a week would be enough for me. When not properly engaging with the program I get restless, irritable and discontent. It warns us about this in the recovery literature. It's being a dry drunk and it's not pleasant to be around but you are powerless over him. I've tried to tell various of my program friends to go to more meetings but been met with similar resistance and it's really hard. You only have power over your own behaviour so it's setting boundaries. Sorry that's not much help. Just I know that the tools are there he could choose to use them and having a you being supportive makes it easy to attend a zoom meeting. God knows you've probably been through enough when he was in active addiction.

HollowTalk · 23/04/2021 14:03

So for the first six years of your relationship was he in full blown addiction? What was he like when you met him? And is it drugs or drink?

It sounds really miserable for you. I always think it's as bad or worse for the families of addicts. Life shouldn't be so hard, OP. You deserve a happy, stress-free life. You've done ten years. It might be time to give yourself a break - even a year off - and have time to consider how you want the next ten years to go.

Original poster

fringeandtrainers · 23/04/2021 20:54

Thank you. No, it built up in secret. So things were ok and then they were not! Really bad for about 6 months. I'm disengaging from him a bit so I can think about what I want.
It's been really helpful to reflect and know that I deserve better.

OP posts:

candrika · 23/04/2021 22:34

Dear one,
advise to stay with him...leaving will be so so difficult for the children firstly, and this would make him worse too isn't it?
from all you say, you're very supportive and have patience, and you have affection for him...

maybe try some Bach Rescue Remedy, it honestly works...

also some meditation, time for you to find who you are, make this time so you can be strong isn't it?

we are all suffering here in this material world, and we can ask how to stop this suffering...

hope this may help a little, very best wishes to you and family

Hare Krishna

ItsNotLoveActually · 23/04/2021 23:07

I think it's great that you've both come so far. You've probably been in survival mode for so long and now you feel he's slipping, it's brought all your fears and resentment to the front. How long do you have to fight to stay with him, to make this relationship work if he's not fully engaging? It may well be time to call it. Think about YOUR future. Where do you want to be in the next 1 - 5 yrs? Has lockdown set you both back and do you think when life is back to normal things will naturally improve?

Flip