Sorry, I just have to offload

[loveyourself2020]

Have been trying to start a thread for a while now, but literally do not know where to start. So much is going on in my life right now, I do not know how I am surviving. I do not know what I am expecting from you guys, but just feel like I have to share or else I will suffocate.

For years now, I have been struggling with my marriage. My DH is not abusive, does things around the house and he is a good father. We have three kids and they are, all but one, young adults, but still living with us. Problems I had with my H have mostly been around finances, decision making in general, lately kids as well, but the issue is that he does not really respect me as a partner, he cannot compromise or give in, so things have to be his way, always. I am the type that avoids conflict, so I was always giving in (I feel). If I would confront him, he would never listen and try to understand, but become defensive and start arguing with me. Often times he would stop talking to me and would not talk for days, weeks. After some time he would just start again as if nothing has happened and so we would never really solve anything, just sweep it under the rug.

Last year, before Covid, we were celebrating 25 years of being together, and I was turning 50. Suddenly I felt, enough is enough. I started questioning our marriage, our relationship, our future together. I started going to therapy. I invited my DH to come with me, but he refused saying he was uncomfortable talking to strangers.

Fast forward one year later, Covid is still keeping us prisoners, my DH lost his job, two of our DC are struggling with mental health, one very seriously, and just recently his mom died in a very tragic accident….

The thing is during this time, I was going to therapy as much as I could with all the restrictions, doing yoga, meditating and all this helped me great deal. I realized that my DH is not good for me, that he makes me feel miserable, unhappy, stressed, and uncomfortable in my own home, in my own life. I realized that I have to leave him, but how do I do that? With all that has happened to him and our entire family, this is the worst possible time, but at the same time, I feel it is the right time for me, because I finally see clearly and know what I want and feel that I can no longer survive in this marriage, not much longer.

You say he's not abusive - maybe not physically, but in fact the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

It's like eating an elephant, OP, one bite at a time.

You get yourself some legal advice quietly, you start the divorce process, there's going to be rough times ahead, but you just keep moving through and change your life.

That's quite emotional to read OP and well done on being able to get done perspective on your own life and start to seek help and hope for the future.
I think it's plain that you ultimately need to split. I suspect when it becomes real he will do some backtracking and "see the error of his ways" but at his age and after this length of relationship I don't think anything will basically change. So, you need to instigate divorce. You don't say how things are financially and what oversight or access you have to finances but you need to see a solicitor. They will guide you on the right steps. Personally I would do this before you tell him. I have no idea how he will take it or your children but I think ultimately you won't be the only one happier when this marriage ends.

@category12
Yes, I know that what he does to me is an emotional abuse. It took me a long time to realize it. It took me a long time to realize so many things about my marriage, my DH, my life. It is really sad when you look back and see what has become of you. I was a very strong young women, strong and happy, cheerful, but living with my husband I became sad, and quiet and totally unsure of myself.

@ pog100
Actually, I am doing ok financially. I have a very good job and some savings and would totally be able to live on my salary alone with my kids. Problem is DH; he had a great job, well paid, but he lost it. He works now, but for a lot less paid job and may not be able to live on his own until he finds something better. We do not own a house, we rent, so there is not much to divide except a little bit of savings. I do not live in UK, so things with solicitors a little different, but I am going to find one to get an advice soon.

That does sound like a lot!! Oh my. Plot and plan to leave as soon as you can. Lots of people are temporarily stuck right now. It's awful.

Your new life will be lovely - it's just the transition - the change, all the work and hassle to get there - it's just stressful. One step at a time.

OMG, I did it! It happened. The opportunity presented itself and I took it. Talked to my DH about separation. What happened is, the women from our building complex stopped by last night and asked to talk to my H. It was very strange to me, but I called him. He talks to her and comes back, and I asked what it was about. He says, last year, when we talked about separation (before Covid) he put in an application for a unit here. I was thinking to suggest this to him, because I realized at some point it would be the best for us all if we stay close, but it took me a long time to kind of realize this. So, at the same time I was impressed by him and hurt. He sure was working quickly last year. Anyway, he said he told her he did not need it, because we are doing better, right? And this is where I realized I had to jump in.

Funny thing, how he thought that we are doing better. I mean we barely talk and if so, very formally, there is no intimacy between us, I mean we can never resolve anything, we are constantly in some kind of disagreement. No, we are not doing better, I said. I told him that I feel so sorry for everything that has happened to him, to us, and would like to stay together a little longer until we heal and are both back on our feet. However, I cannon be his intimate partner anymore, I really cannot. There is no connection between us anymore. I definitely think that he should be on the wait list and in six months or a year that he should move. I told him, as calmly as I could, how I feel. That I feel exhausted by this relationship, how he makes me feel stressed, intimidated, uncomfortable. I can never talk to him about anything important he will start arguing, put me down, shut me up. All the while, he was just listening, which I appreciated, he was not arguing like he usually does, but he was not “listening” listening, because he did not once say, “I am sorry you feel that way”, “I am sorry this happened”, he just sat there. He asked if I did not want to work this out. But how, I asked, we have been together 25 years, if we have not figured it out by now, we never will. And what does he mean by “working things out”? Have sex. Because this is what would happen in past. He thinks that as long as we have sex our marriage is ok. OMG. That is what he thinks. He never really does anything different; he does not even try. He does not think that he is doing anything wrong.

So anyway, I think, that we will do that now, wait it out until he gets a proper job and the whole family heals from the loss we experienced, at least that is what I think. He has not said much. How do I feel? Better, not great, and at times just the same. But I am glad that I am over the hump. There is no going back now, just onwards and upwards.

Well done on getting some movement on splitting up.

You will need to have really good strong boundaries with him if he will be living nearby, but glad you're breaking the inertia.

@category12
I feel that it would be good for the kids to have him around but I know that it is not so much for me. However, we are only renting here and my dream and a goal in life is to move away, in the interior and purchase something there as it is cheaper. By then kids would have moved out, I hope. So perhaps in the next five years or so. We will see.
Thank you for your encouragement. Being on mumsnet helped me a lot.

Well done OP, your feeling of relief is palpable. Don't lose track of where you are aiming and remember that you are, at least, as important as him!

@pog100
Thank you so much for your kind words. Being on MN has helped me so much. I do not have many friends and those I have I was not comfortable talking to about my marriage problems as they are my DH friends too. My parents have passed away some years ago, very young, mind you, and I was craving the love and support for years. I have only one sister and I just recently confided to her. Thank you for your support and advise.

It's sometimes amazing what the words of 'strangers' on the internet can do to help. Now live up to your name. Good luck!