Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did I allow him to treat me like this?

33 replies

Megan124 · 22/04/2021 17:12

I thought I’d talk about my ex a little because I do sometimes find it awkward and embarrassing to discuss this with my family and friends. So my ex could be a little ‘abusive’ towards me. He threw my phone in an argument. He drove unsafely to scare me during arguments. He threw a pack of cigarettes at me (in anger) when he was drunk. He’d sometimes swear at me and call me names when we argued. He said it was my fault that he got so angry, something about me made him that way. It makes me so sad and angry that I put up with this behaviour and at the time, didn’t realise that it was quite abusive. I’m annoyed that he doesn’t know that he was like this because I never even said anything to him. He broke up with me and it is only recently that I’ve really thought about how bad he actually treated me. Why did I put up with it? How can I avoid ever picking the wrong person again? Most of the time he did treat me good and I wasn’t perfect in the relationship either, but I just can’t understand why I let this kind of behaviour slide :( is there something wrong with me, because I let him treat me like this?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2021 17:19

The first question I have is what was modelled for you when you were a child? Did you grow up in an abusive environment?

Most of the time he did treat me good

Abusers aren't abusive all the time because it wouldn't work for them. Most women being constantly abused would leave, and the abuser doesn't want that. They behave nicely just enough to make you stay and to make you think it's true that his abuse is your fault. They are masterful gaslighters.

If I were you, I would do the Freedom Programme, asap. You should be very proud that you've recognised you were in an abusive relationship and that you need to work on yourself so this never happens again. Far too many woman never have this kind of awakening.

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 17:25

@Aquamarine1029

The first question I have is what was modelled for you when you were a child? Did you grow up in an abusive environment?

Most of the time he did treat me good

Abusers aren't abusive all the time because it wouldn't work for them. Most women being constantly abused would leave, and the abuser doesn't want that. They behave nicely just enough to make you stay and to make you think it's true that his abuse is your fault. They are masterful gaslighters.

If I were you, I would do the Freedom Programme, asap. You should be very proud that you've recognised you were in an abusive relationship and that you need to work on yourself so this never happens again. Far too many woman never have this kind of awakening.

My parents are still together. They never argue, perfect relationship really. What’s the freedom programme?
OP posts:
category12 · 22/04/2021 17:39

You might find the shark cage analogy interesting - worth a look in case any of it resonates for you? www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

KirstenBlest · 22/04/2021 20:24

They never argue, perfect relationship really.
I wonder if you weren't taught how to manage disagreements.

The allowing abusive behaviour might be due to the frog in boiling water theory. The relationship starts out ok, but after a while you notice that the partner's behaviour is not quite right, and i progresses that way until you realise that it is abusive.

The partner usually follows a script ('The Script'). He starts to find fault with you... and his behaviour gets so bad that he makes you the bad person.

It isn't you.It is him.

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 20:42

@KirstenBlest

They never argue, perfect relationship really. I wonder if you weren't taught how to manage disagreements.

The allowing abusive behaviour might be due to the frog in boiling water theory. The relationship starts out ok, but after a while you notice that the partner's behaviour is not quite right, and i progresses that way until you realise that it is abusive.

The partner usually follows a script ('The Script'). He starts to find fault with you... and his behaviour gets so bad that he makes you the bad person.

It isn't you.It is him.

When I told my parents a bit about our relationship after we broke up, they were so upset that I had let him do that to me. He showed signs of anger problems quite early on in the relationship, but I stupidly ignored it, obviously it just got worse and worse as the relationship went on.
OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 22/04/2021 20:57

they were so upset that I had let him do that to me
They should be cross that he did it to you.

It really isn't you, it is him.

everythingbackbutyou · 22/04/2021 21:02

@Megan124, I'm so glad for you that you're out and recognise this behaviour for the abuse that it is. Your story sounds very similar to mine - ignoring early signs - but my escape didn't happen until 2 decades and 3 kids later. I think that abusers are very good at finding partners whose natural inclination is to give them the benefit of the doubt and who project their own good qualities onto their partner.

EarthSight · 22/04/2021 21:19

Well OP why do you think you stayed with him instead of leaving sooner? Was this a rhetorical question or are you genuinely baffled as to the reasons why?

FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 22/04/2021 22:01

I’ve literally just finished the freedom programme. I found it so useful. 11 ish weeks of talking through the different types of abuser and how to spot warning signs early on. Highly recommended. And free! Good luck op

SelkieIntegrated · 22/04/2021 22:05

Low self-esteem? not believing you had the power over your life to bring about changes?

Thinking that you didn't have the 'right' to finish with him because you weren't perfect either?
Feeling like you needed a strong case to petition to be allowed to break up?

Did your parents encourage your right to have your own perspective and your own experience? They always agree you say. Is there one stronger partner and one who always supports the other?

By any chance............

SelkieIntegrated · 22/04/2021 22:08

Be kind to yourself here OP
You wouldn't do it again so don't. But right now, be kind to yourself. You didn't deserve this but you are allowed to make a mistake! You're questioning why you tolerated it and that's good.

Wine
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:13

@KirstenBlest

they were so upset that I had let him do that to me They should be cross that he did it to you.

It really isn't you, it is him.

They were really cross as well. They hate him now
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:15

[quote everythingbackbutyou]@Megan124, I'm so glad for you that you're out and recognise this behaviour for the abuse that it is. Your story sounds very similar to mine - ignoring early signs - but my escape didn't happen until 2 decades and 3 kids later. I think that abusers are very good at finding partners whose natural inclination is to give them the benefit of the doubt and who project their own good qualities onto their partner.[/quote]
I’m sorry to hear that :(
Yes I am someone who will always forgive people and always try and see the best in people, which sounds like a good thing but I’m starting to think that it isn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:16

@EarthSight

Well OP why do you think you stayed with him instead of leaving sooner? Was this a rhetorical question or are you genuinely baffled as to the reasons why?
I’m genuinely baffled now. I get annoyed at myself now for not ending things a lot sooner, and can’t understand why I didn’t.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:19

@SelkieIntegrated

Low self-esteem? not believing you had the power over your life to bring about changes? Thinking that you didn't have the 'right' to finish with him because you weren't perfect either? Feeling like you needed a strong case to petition to be allowed to break up?

Did your parents encourage your right to have your own perspective and your own experience? They always agree you say. Is there one stronger partner and one who always supports the other?

By any chance............

My ex always told me I was insecure. I didn’t think I was, but maybe I am and that’s the reason I stayed. My parents were shocked when I told them, they’ve always prided me for standing up for myself and not letting people walk all over me. For some reason, I just didn’t stand up for myself at all in my relationship really.
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:20

@SelkieIntegrated

Be kind to yourself here OP You wouldn't do it again so don't. But right now, be kind to yourself. You didn't deserve this but you are allowed to make a mistake! You're questioning why you tolerated it and that's good.

Wine

Yeah, I’m really glad I see it for what it was now. Even if it is a bit late. Better late than never!
OP posts:
Ibizafun · 22/04/2021 22:22

The main thing is that you’ve recognised the fact he was abusive so will be on alert for any sign in future relationships. I was in the same situation; it never repeated itself.

Original poster
Megan124 · 22/04/2021 22:24

@Ibizafun

The main thing is that you’ve recognised the fact he was abusive so will be on alert for any sign in future relationships. I was in the same situation; it never repeated itself.
I’m trying to see it as a good thing as bizarre as that may sound. Someone else could of come along a lot worse and I may have put up with it. Now I know to recognise the red flags early on.
OP posts:
Ibizafun · 23/04/2021 21:04

Megan there is no doubt that is a good thing.

Aalvarino · 23/04/2021 21:18

I think even when, intellectually, you know the reasons, and have resolved to never accept that treatment again ... You can still be left asking yourself: "why did I accept that?"
Usually it's a combination of things. You're at a low edge or particularly vulnerable; something you've grown up with makes you think it's to some degree normal; and also sometimes there is a trauma bond. The abusive behaviour can cause very intense ups and downs in a relationship. It becomes a bit like a drug.

Aalvarino · 23/04/2021 21:18

Low ebb, not low edge.

user113424742258631134 · 23/04/2021 21:21

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 23/04/2021 21:36

Some folk are naturally passive, naturally forgiving, etc. Human society wouldn't have got very far if most folk weren't of that type.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - its just that you're naturally going to be a bit more vulnerable to abusers if you tend towards that.

If your parents are lovely sweet people, who taught you to be a lovely sweet person, then yeah you arent necessarily going to have had the opportunity to develop abuser-detection and boundary-defence skills, iyswim.

Don't berate yourself too much my love. You did your best, and he was an arsehole, and you now know what an arsehole is like. Live and learn. Next time you'll be more sensitive to the shark cage effect. None of us get it perfect, we really don't.

Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 21:40

@Aalvarino

I think even when, intellectually, you know the reasons, and have resolved to never accept that treatment again ... You can still be left asking yourself: "why did I accept that?" Usually it's a combination of things. You're at a low edge or particularly vulnerable; something you've grown up with makes you think it's to some degree normal; and also sometimes there is a trauma bond. The abusive behaviour can cause very intense ups and downs in a relationship. It becomes a bit like a drug.
I just looked up the trauma bond because I didn’t know what it was, it was pretty much spot on with how my relationship was. He would mess up, then buy me loads of things, tell me he would die for me, tell me I was his soulmate. I stupidly believed it :(
OP posts:
Original poster
Megan124 · 23/04/2021 21:41

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Some folk are naturally passive, naturally forgiving, etc. Human society wouldn't have got very far if most folk weren't of that type.

It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - its just that you're naturally going to be a bit more vulnerable to abusers if you tend towards that.

If your parents are lovely sweet people, who taught you to be a lovely sweet person, then yeah you arent necessarily going to have had the opportunity to develop abuser-detection and boundary-defence skills, iyswim.

Don't berate yourself too much my love. You did your best, and he was an arsehole, and you now know what an arsehole is like. Live and learn. Next time you'll be more sensitive to the shark cage effect. None of us get it perfect, we really don't.

Thanks for your message! x
OP posts: