Why am I a doormat

[shadesofgrey25]

Years of mental bullying by my DH have worn my confidence away. I'm having therapy - my therapist is advising standing up to the DH which is terrifying but I'm trying!
Theory is that it is better to live your life true to yourself than staying with someone who breaks you alarmingly regularly and who won't ever ever listen to me.
At the weekend when he asked do I see us being together in 10 years I bravely (for me this is brave) said "I want to be"... well hell has opened a pit of fire now. He's re-evaluating "us" ... he will categorically not listen to my quite gentle explanation of why I said this.
I feel I am being punished for daring to speak out. I've been quiet and withdrawn the last week prior to saying this to him.
Honestly what's anyone's thoughts? Am I being difficult and untrustworthy?? I feel like I'm going mad!!

You answered you question in the first sentence of your post.

Fuck therapy you need to leave this arse. Who is he to decide whether you stay together or not? he is mentally abusing you. Leave him and you will be much happier. I promise!

He's panicking because he's realised he hasn't got you under his full control, so he's trying to wrestle that control back.

Keep growing that backbone OP. It will cause conflict and tbh it's unlikely he's just going to accept that you are an actual person with real feelings and opinions and everything will be happily ever after, but do not let him trample over you anymore and start making moves to leave him

I'm surprised your therapist asked you to stand up to a emotional abuser. You shouldnt bother standing up to a person like that as you will only encourage an almighty wrath (as they fear losing control of you). Instead, you should get away from them as fast as possible!

I'm sorry but I think you should see a therapist that actually deals with ppl who have been through emotional abuse. Because the current one doesn't seem to have a friggin clue and could even have put you in danger!

Also, you are not mad, your feelings are valid.

You ARE being punished by him.
He is attempting to drive you mad. He wants to hurt you. He hates you.

Let that sink in. Now, do whatever you need to do to get away from him.

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder (many abusers are along these lines). Melanie tonia evans on YouTube does good videos on it. Never let him see you learning what he is or confront him on it (he will turn it round on you somehow).

Speak with womens aid too if you get a chance.

Ugh. Leave the bastard.

Standing up to a controlling personality isn't going to work until your confidence and self esteem are firing on all cylinders. Yes you need to be your authentic self but only when you are healed enough to not be retramatised by your abuser and that takes time. Abusers up the ante when they think they are losing control.

It took me a good few years of therapy and self work before I could confidently stand up to my family and ex husband. I am really not sure I could have done that living in the same environment as my ex husband. Are you sure you want to work on your marriage in this way? My exhusband was and will always be a highly manipulative, passive aggressive character. Walking away was difficult but the best gift I could have given myself.

Emotional abusers brain wash you into to seeing the world their way. You end up not trusting your own thoughts and feelings. It's a form of stockholm syndrome and ptsd. How can you gain clarity being in the same environment with them?

What made you seek counselling?

The title of your post is really interesting. You ask "Why am I a doormat?" In your case it's a survival strategy. You know your husband will punish you if you step out of line or express your own opinions, so to try and keep the peace, you're a 'doormat'. You're trying to make sure you escape the line of fire.

In the case of an abusive person like your husband, this strategy doesn't always work. You can negate your own feelings, do everything his way and he'll still find things to get unhappy about. Because in his reality, you're always in the wrong and he's always right. But his reality is just that - it doesn't have to be yours. Why aren't your feelings just as important as his? Why can't you speak your truth without being listened to? Who made him the judge and the jury?

We don't bully the people we love. We don't refuse to listen to them when they say how they feel. We don't break them on a regular basis. Do you do this to him? Of course not.

This is not a normal or healthy relationship. I agree with the previous posters - your own sanity depends on getting as much distance as possible from your husband.

Please leave this man. He is abusing you.

Abuse rarely stays the same. It escalates. Google Jane Monckton-Smith's 8 step timeline. I'm not saying this to scare you: I think a lot of the earlier stages stuff may ring true.

You are not safe with this man, emotionally or physically. You deserve to be safe, you deserve to be happy.

@Suewiththegreenlights

What made you seek counselling?

Our marriage has been very difficult for many years.. alcohol abuse, drug abuse (him) and this emotional abuse. I sought counselling initially with him to try and work it out but he gave up. I gave up through Covid but real life has re-started and so have the problems. I am lonely, sad and angry with myself!

You need to leave him.

That is the bottom line.

He's asked you this in order to reassert control over you.

You're having therapy;your showing changes by standing up to him.He wants you to do what he wants.

By saying "he's re-evaluating your marriage";this is a manipulation tactic.He wants to scare you and smack your confidence back down.He wants you to doubt yourself.He's the type of man who'll cheat and then say it's your fault.

You know what @shadesofgrey25 if he decides to end your relationship then quite frankly he'd be doing you the best favour in the world.You'd be free of him and his emotional abuse.

@shadesofgrey25 By saying "I want to be" it will have triggered his fear of rejection which is why he raged at you.

A normal, healthy person would be saddened by this and express disappointment, but be willing to listen to you and try to make the relationship work if there was a good chance of it surviving.

He is punishing you and if he breaks you regularly, then there is no hope or future in this becoming a healthy relationship.

Standing up to his kind rarely works out and often puts you in further danger of his aggressive behaviour. If he loves you, he should treat you with respect and not be trying to control you and make you terrified of his reaction.

You need to get away from him.

Ring Women's Aid for support.

He's a nasty bully who is punishing you.

Why would you want to be still with him in 10 years time?

Why are you being this way? (not a ‘doormat, an injured and frightened person). Because when you are abused to this extent you really only have two choices. 1. become a shadow of yourself to try and minimise the abuse. 2. Leave

There is no other option, it’s impossible to live with an abuser without feeling the effects of being abused, it’s as simple as that.

If someone stamps on you hard enough (physically, emotionally etc) then your only option is lie down and take it. Otherwise it's just a case of who has the stamina to endure it. I'd wager that he'll never stop stamping on you and you'll run out of the energy to fight. It doesn't cost people who abuse anything to do what they do but it costs us heavily to fight for what is basically a middle ground that should be there already and given freely.

Sounds like a bad relationship. What’s keeping you there and how can you overcome the hurdles to leaving?

You're being a doormat because his abuse has worn you down over the years and you've chosen the path of least resistance as a survival mechanism OP. All that abuse has destroyed your self esteem and made you second guess yourself and your instincts, but they're still there or you wouldn't be reaching out for help.

You need to leave the relationship. What is stopping you doing so? You won't change him. He's an abusive, substance-abusing arse. What is preventing you leaving?

Please leave the relationship and your therapist! That's terrible advice, you don't ''stand up'' to an abuser because it causes them to escalate and can place you in physical danger.
The safe thing to do is to put distance between you, then re-evaluate.

Please talk to Women's Aid or Refuge today, and look at The Freedom Program. they wont tell you what to do, they'll help you make the right decision for you, and help you leave if you decide to.
Then look into assertiveness training, it can help you learn to use boundaries.

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

www.womensaid.org.uk/about-us/contact/

emmaashford.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/Learning-to-be-assertive-workbook.pdf

He has totally eroded your confidence. He has reacted like that you make you back down. Wouldnt you be so much happier if you set yourself free?

Do you have DC together

Who owns the property you live in

Definitely better off leaving, no man is worth your self esteem.

He’s attempting to restamp his authority as you had the audacity to sound uncertain. He does not have unilateral control over the relationship and you have as much power as him in how and whether it continues. He knows this. So any lingering doubt in your mind has to be stamped out. It’s a method that’s worked nicely for him in the past.
Time to take a deep breath and think about your future, op. You can carry on as you are, which resulted in you needing counselling- or you can rewrite how your future looks.
He’s fearful you’ll revolt against him.
You’re fearful of making a change. That’s understandable but you need to either seriously level up your relationship or leave him or accept this is how your future will be.
That’s your 3 choices, op, as he’s not learning anything from his past mistakes.
Good luck.

This man is a problem drinker, smokes lots of weed, binges on cocaine, is emotionally abusive and physically and verbally assaulted you in front of your son a few months ago.

Counselling cannot make this relationship happy and healthy.

He is toxic, the relationship is toxic and you need to break up.

The only alternative is to spend the rest of your life being abused by him, while he whittles down your sense of self and your confidence until you look in the mirror and don't even recognise yourself. And then you won't feel able to face the challenge of moving on from him so you'll stay forever.

Do not waste your life on this man, you've given him enough years. More than enough. You've both also allowed your children to grow up in an environment likely to have a huge impact on their future relationships.

I don't say that to hurt you, rather to give you an additional oomph to make moves towards leaving.

@Wanderlusto, so true about the therapist. The first one I sought help with only lasted for 2 sessions as she kept asking me to invite my ex husband along to the counselling so she could hear his point of view. Uh no - I had spent the last 2 and a half decades hearing and considering his point of view and was ground down to nothing by his abuse. I researched and chose a local therapist who specialised in trauma and abuse and, with her support, set myself and my children free from my abusive marriage not 6 months later. Despite his teary protestations of innocence and hurt when I made the break, the fucker knew all along why I was seeking counselling - the first session I came back from, he asked me whether I was going to divorce him now or when the children left home.