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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What advice would you give friend

19 replies

user173909800 · 22/04/2021 10:04

I have a close friend who went through a break up a few months ago, was doing very well and almost out of that when a long term friend of hers who she'd always fancied asked her out. She was thrilled and they were even discussing marriage, kids etc within a few weeks of dating, lots of apparently open and honest chats about life and being very vulnerable with each other.

Except, little while ago he pulled the plug on it and said he wanted to go back to being friends again, it was all happening very fast (even though all the long term marriage/kid conversations were instigated by him) and maybe see if something else comes of it later down the line.

What do you think is going on here? and what would you advise her?

OP posts:

YouAreTheStorm · 22/04/2021 10:10

He's pulled the plug, so what advice is needed? He's panicked, got cold feet, changed his mind, all of the above, who knows?

it moved waaay too fast. Your friend needs to put this behind them, forget him and beware of these kind of whirlwind romances. They often burn brightly but burn out very quickly.

Original poster

user173909800 · 22/04/2021 10:21

well he's been telling her he can't bear the thought of losing her etc, so he wants to go back to being friends but with the possibility of it becoming something more further down the line.....

Should she accept this and live in the hope that he'll change his mind ?

I want to tell her to take a step back and pull back from the level of emotional investment she'd put in this....

OP posts:

romdowa · 22/04/2021 10:22

I'd probably end the friendship , especially since it sounds like he is leading her on saying something could happen down the line. He sounds like he is just going to continue to mess with her and the lines are blurred now.

Ruminating2020 · 22/04/2021 12:53

Agree with @romdowa. These back and forth type "friendships" very rarely work and is giving her mixed messages and false hope.

She shouldn't feel obliged to remain friends with him when he says he can't bear to lose her. He needs to treat her as a person in her own right and with her own feelings and not just as someone who is there for him to pick up whenever it suits him.

I would advise her to tell him to give her space at a minimum and not expect anything in the future.

Thelnebriati · 22/04/2021 13:05

He jumped in when she was vulnerable, got loads of information out of her that she would never have given him otherwise, then stepped back.

Imo that's a red flag for a controlling arsehole.

Sakurami · 22/04/2021 13:06

Nah. Not when all the talk was instigated by him and so quickly. Alarm bells.

username12345T · 22/04/2021 13:09

Did they have sex before he pulled the plug?

If so, sounds like he played her and then dumped her after he got what he wanted, knowing she was vulnerable. Sounds like a great friend.

Original poster

user173909800 · 22/04/2021 13:50

They've been friends for years, I don't think it's a case of trying to use her and then dump her. He does seem to genuinely care for her from what I can tell and is generally considered a solid guy.

I think he got cold feet after suggesting that they take the friendship to another level. She's trying to understand why and figure out if it was something she did. Me and her other friends are trying to reassure her that this isn't to do with her. But because she's hurt and desperate to keep him in her life in any way possible, she wants to go down the friends route and see what emerges. I think this gives him all the control (even though they're talking about this like it's a mutual decision) and leaves her vulnerable because he seems to be calling all the shots and if he can pull out once what's to say later down the line that he won't do it again.
He came out of a bad breakup (instigated by the other person, though it was last year) and she's wondering if he is insecure because of how that unfolded and hasn't fully healed........

OP posts:

username12345T · 22/04/2021 13:55

Sometimes it helps to just look at the facts OP, rather than go down a rabbit hole of what ifs. From my perspective, she's been used for sex. He's also unkindly kept her dangling rather than been honest about how he feels about her, which is not much from the sounds of things.

I'd advise her to let this one go and work on her self esteem.

Dery · 22/04/2021 13:57

Sounds like he was on the rebound. In your friend’s shoes, I wouldn’t maintain the friendship - at least not for now - because I would find it too painful.

I also wouldn’t hold out much hope for it growing back into something. They could have slowed things down without ending it. I think he wants to play the field and see who else might be available. That’s not necessarily wrong: the advantage of ending an LTR is that you get to gad about a bit. But it would have been good if he’d done that without dragging your friend into this painful mess.

In the end, your friend will handle this the way she wants to - and probably be very grateful to have you as a shoulder to cry on over coming months.

Dery · 22/04/2021 14:03

As for the “he’s insecure” explanation: When my mum, my sister and I all found ourselves single and dating in the 1990s, we quickly resolved that we would not try to come up for explanations with male inattentiveness. The details may vary but the bottom line is – if a man is being inattentive it’s either because he’s not really interested or he’s not available. It’s usually the former. It isn’t because they are so overwhelmed by their feelings that they daren’t approach. If he cared enough about your friend, he would be with her - he wouldn’t risk losing her in this way.

Notaroadrunner · 22/04/2021 14:03

If I were her I wouldn't be hanging around to see if he changes his mind. If she's open to being in a relationship then tell her to continue looking for the right guy. She should keep her distance from this friend. She doesn't need to end up in a friend's with benefits situation if he decides he fancies a shag.

Lozzerbmc · 22/04/2021 14:10

I think he’s just not that into her. I think its that simple really. If a man wants something he seeks it. I think its better if she moves on. I dont see that he’s much of a friend...

GingerFigs · 22/04/2021 14:11

It sounds to me like they've had sex, he's got what he wanted and now wants to keep her dangling in case he decides he'd like to do that again. If sex hasn't been involved then fair enough, he's just decided he doesn't want to take it further. People get carried away all the time and start planning stuff (whether it's relationships or a new kitchen) but most of the time it doesn't happen.

In a nutshell I agree with @Dery if he was interested then he'd be with her. In my experience men are not the deep thinkers we sometimes give them credit for. If he wanted to be with her, then he would.

She needs to distance herself or he'll keep her dangling and mess with her head.

I0NA · 22/04/2021 14:16

So he moved in on her, future faked and then changed his mind.

Now he wants to “stay freinds “ which I assume means

“ Let’s shag when I feel like it and you can cook me dinner and provide emotional Labour. But only when I feel like it , because we are not a couple and I don’t owe you anything “

Doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Original poster

user173909800 · 22/04/2021 14:24

I agree with the advice given here. I don't think it was that physical, so I doubt he used her and is now done. She's convinced herself that this dialling it back to friendship thing is also what she wants and that things really were moving very fast etc and that she's okay with their current status quo. She thinks because he's been in her life for so long and they are well matched on pretty much every level and they both happened to be single at the same time followed by him suggesting they take it to the next level that all this is now meant to be and she cannot fathom letting him go. They're both in their 30s....

She's now shut down in terms of not really soliciting any more advice from her friends circle (because we've all said pretty much the same thing) and saying this is what she wants too.

OP posts:

username12345T · 22/04/2021 14:38

OP you're not seeing the bigger picture here.

Your friend is shattered after a relationship break up
'Friend' moves in.
'Friend' tells her how they have a future together which she laps up
They have sex
'Friend' loses interest because he's now had sex and is no longer interested
Your friend is again, devastated because someone else has rejected her and is desperately clinging on
In order not to appear like a user (which he is), 'Friend' tells her that there may be the chance of a relationship in the future

What you're not seeing is that a real friend would have known your friend was vulnerable and would have waited.

Your friend has been played. He said whatever bull shit he thought would get him into bed and then fled. The rest is other people rallying around trying to make her feel better about being used. You're just making it worse by giving her hope that there's a future and in effect are making her an easy target for sex with this prat.

Original poster

user173909800 · 22/04/2021 14:43

They didn't have sex - it didn't go that far. Hence why I don't think it's a case of her being used for sex.

OP posts:

Original poster

user173909800 · 22/04/2021 14:47

It was emotionally very intense - apparently they've both never been that open and vulnerable and sharing with anyone before. I think that level of intensity first made him think this is it and I want to have kids with this person and then frightened him/made him nervous.......

But yes, I agree, that the best thing is for her to distance herself.....

OP posts:

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