My "friend" makes me feel bad

[sauvignonblanc81]

That's just it really. This is an old friend who I used to love very much, but nowadays I always come away from our meet ups feeling worse than before.

I wouldn't say she is a nasty person or that she is deliberately hurtful and if I told her how I felt she would be shocked I think.

But where she used to be compassionate and gentle she is now braggy and boastful. If she remembers to ask me questions about my life (which is rare) she doesn't really listen or seem interested in my replies. We have different interests and morals.

I don't want to meet up anymore really. But the times I have tried to pull away I have noticed she suddenly steps up her game and there's always a hope in me that I might see the old her again. I am always proved wrong.

I would like to hear how others would handle this.

Let yourselves drift apart, if that's what you want. So next time she steps up her game make yourself less available.

Alternatively, you could talk to her about it. She might not realise how self centered she's being.

Bring it up to her but if your hearts not into anymore there’s no point.

100% bring it up to her! It hurts to be left wondering why someone drifted away from you... she may not realise and need to give her head a wobble! Surely a friend is the best person to let you know that?!

Do you ever challenge her on her behaviour or do you just put up with it and feel flat/seethe afterwards?

Maybe it's worth a try if not?

@category12

Do you ever challenge her on her behaviour or do you just put up with it and feel flat/seethe afterwards?

Maybe it's worth a try if not?

This made me smile. I very much seethe!!!

I have a friend who makes me feel bad after meet-ups. I don't think she intends to do it either, but the underhanded bragging and boasting masked by a fabricated caring facade gets me down. There is something also very competitive and controlling in her nature and it dawned on me recently that it's so powerful that I'm very much intimidated by her and find myself agreeing to things I don't want to do. I couldn't even tell you what it is that she specifically says or does, perhaps its a mere vibe, but it's very strong.

The best antedote has been distance and more distance. I expect that the friendship will gradually fade now, but it's interesting how sometimes, it's difficult to understand how they're making you feel bad and why. I've found it easier just to accept how I feel and not put myself in that situation.

Do you think you might have mistaken politness for compassion or gentleness? Maybe she feels like she knows you well enough to let you see the true her.

If she remembers to ask me questions about my life (which is rare) she doesn't really listen or seem interested in my replies

That's probably because she's just not that interested in you. You're a comforting presence to her - you seem to be interested her which makes her feel good, but she might see you more as a quasi therapist/emotional crutch rather than valuing you as a whole person.

But the times I have tried to pull away I have noticed she suddenly steps up her game and there's always a hope in me that I might see the old her again

I normally would encourage a more clear approach but I think she probably knows what's going on or what she likes and panics when she thinks you are losing interest in her. She tries a bit harder, but that effort isn't really her, is it? It's not who she really is so you have to decide if that is worth your energy.

or what she's like*

IME people don't really change inside.

A change like that may be due to something else going on. That sort of thing is often insecurity etc.

I'm nearly 50 and some of my friends are from 12. They have grown and changed a bit but the core of who they are and how they treat people has not.

The few I have ditched were always that way and just after years I found the cons outweighed the pros.

Have you asked her? Said you seem to talk about material things a lot now and you didn't used to and you seem distracted. Is everything ok

Thanks everyone, some really useful advice.
I am going to go for the gradual retreat rather than have a conversation because I can't see that going very well- she is very defensive.