How do I deal with a mother in law who really thinks her son has married beneath his station in life, and I got lucky.

[sloppysoupdragon]

for the past 10 years since I met my husbands mother for the first time I have had an uneasy relationship with her. She is in her late seventies and grew up in a large Edwardian household with servants and was really until the nineteen sixties one of the establishment / international jet set when she had 80 houses compulsorily purchased by the governent. She married for love to my dh's father who had some but not loads of money but was from a very old 'gentry' type family, but clearly regrets her loss of social position. She fails to acknowledge that her son chose me rather than a trustafarian and has only laid a thin veneer of courtesy over an attitude steeped in contempt for my background ( by no means of the gutter I can assure you )( my politics are of the centre but MIL sees me as a dangerous liberal ) Her attitude is that I am not accepted ( I am fairly middle class have a good degree from a redbrick and have only up to this year out-earned my husband! we lost dh's father in January last year and I looked after the kids and kept the house on track while dh supported his mum and sorted out the estate etc. I also went out of my way to invite her to our house of a weekend and she Sunday lunched with us 2 weeks out of 4 I really thought that the dynamic had changed and she had learned a bit of respect when to thank us mil paid for a holiday last August. It was the holiday from hell she did very little practically to help look after them, and could not understand why I and dh were knackered ( she only had one child and had a mothers help and did not work ) I had a more or less full time job and 5 hours cleaning per week that was it. As she grew up with servants she just could not relate to our experience and basically told us we were not doing the parenting right and she practically accused me of negligence, then went on to say that dd's table manners had slipped ' wrong school' neglecting to understand we cannot afford school fees so send ours to a state ( albeit carefully selected ) one. I get no credit for that either or indeed any contribution I have made to her family. After the holiday I was livid for 3 months and refused to speak to her / invite her around. We have since moved about 50 miles away from her, but I feel I need to do something to reestablish ties, I do not want to disadvantage my children but neither do I want to ever put myself in the position where she can savage me again or treat me with such a lack of respect. She is one of those who would never have an open and honest conversation and my husband mainly keeps on the right side of her. I have explained to dd that granny had treated me very badly and I am angry with her and she will have heard my rants about her as I vented my spleen at dh If you have managed to get to the bottom of this - congratulations for sticking with it - any advice gratefully recieved on how to proceed

I got to the bottom of it, but paragraphs would have been nice

OK, look, this lady ain't nice. There are plenty of women from her generation and social upbringing who have far better manners than this. Upper class and rude do not necessarily go hand in hand.

She's an old lady now, and much has to be forgiven for that reason. And I don't think you need much advice because I think you've already got it sussed in your own head. You want to bounce it around, and that's good.

She is in no position to be spiteful, disrespectful or dismissive of you. Imagine if you were from her exact social background. Believe me, she would dislike you more for that, because you would be a real threat, rather than an imagined one.

If she comes out with any more of that crap, tell her straight. Tell her exactly what you've just told us. I doubt that anyone has spoken to her like that in her whole life, and it will do her good. It honestly will.

With regards to her relationship with her grand-children, that might be a tougher call. She's a certain type of woman from a certain type of background ... and I suspect that she will find it extremely difficult to be a warm, loving GM. She probably didn't get much of it herself when she was a child, so finds it difficult, if not impossible, to display the sort of fun-loving affection that children enjoy.

But take no prisoners. Be kind and respectful, but don't be a doormat. Give her some argy-bargy ... I reckon she'll enjoy it!

Flipping heck, that's a lot to take on for you--is there no-one else who can mediate?

Does she have a friend?

Another relative who might intervene somehow?

Are you the only "outsider" in the whole family?

O.k, I went for the mediation route.

she sounds like hard work

Not necessarily the wrong route though, eh, Lion?

I have a grandmother like this, (although relatively speaking, we're much lower down the social scale!!!). She's now 96 and totally out of it, but all the same .... rather difficult to love.

Message withdrawn

yup, kind and respectful but take no crap.

Tricky mil, for sure. The snobbery is appalling. But one of your issues is

...she paid for a holiday yet you're saying "she did very little practically to look after them..".

In what way exactly is that a legitimate complaint ?

I'm sure she is an awful snob and all but the only actual complaint is that at nearly 80 she doesn't help much with your children. I think I'm missing something here.

Soupy ????

This does not sound like you.

Ahh

It is not you. and phew.....

Well said - Desi!

It obviously goes alot deeper than her not helping out with the DCs while on holiday. What are your DHs feelings on this situation? Is he likely to be the 'mediator'?

To be perfectly honest, I think speaking to your daughter about her grandmother in this way is out of order.

I really would leave the children out if it.

What are the objections here?

(a) She apparently has an attitude of contempt for your background - but you have not said what she does to demonstrate this - might the problems be just as much in your head?

(b) She paid for the holiday but did very little practically to help look after your children. But your children are your responsibility? Surely having paid for the holiday she wasn't expected to do all the baby sitting too?

(c) She criticised your dd's table manners. Might that be because they were bad? My children can behave badly at the table, and it kindof helps when they know that bad behaviour is frowned on by others.

By the way, I don't think you should have dissed granny to your dd.

Err - where is your dh in all this? What does he think about how your MIL has treated you, and your response to her? Does he not mediate and/or defend you? What is his opinion/stance?

Also agree that you shouldn't have been negative to dd about her granny, and possibly should have had your 'spleen venting' chats with dh when children were asleep or out of earshot.

Sorry that you have a tricky situation. I have similar issues with my MIL. However, one positive she did pay for a vacation for you all. I do believe you were being unreasonable to expect a nearly 80yr old woman to help look after your children though . Rather than getting into a fight and alienating everyone. Just take her at face value and just ensure that your Husband supports you and your decisions. But please try and avoid any nastiness. I speak from experience. Strong and firm yet polite normally works better with people from that generation.

having similiar issues with my own mil the only thing that give me any solace is the thought of one stake, and piles of twigs and a box of matches.......... 20 years only dh still puts head in the sand and mil is still a poisionous witch. sorry can offer anything more constructive.

I've heard it said that the most difficult human relationship is that between a man's mother and her daughter-in-law. Never heard anything that disproves that theory!

This is a common problem i'm afraid. MIL's often think very badly of the women who marry their sons.

Even if you were an upper class toff she still would complain about you.

Just be firm but fair and grin and bear it. Make sure your DH is sticking up for you - she is more likely to listen to him and less likely to hold an indefinite grudge if they fall out over it.

She won't be around for too long by the sounds of it.

My MIL actually thinks her DS married above his station LOL - if only she knew the truth

Nah - too old to be expected to look after your kids!

However, it's not nice to be put down all the time.

When she's ranting be very assertive with a super smile on your face - she might get the message.

My mil has the same snobbery but is actually from a very poor and deprived background. This just makes me laugh. She's from overseas and doesn't like foreigners ie educated, independent, successful and able to help her!

People are people. Don't accept being put down. So what if she had a million houses and servants. My mum had servants and was happy to get herself and job and some independence and forget the allowance. Your mil has no right to think herself above anyone else.

I am/was always treated like an outsider (putting it nicely) from my mil plus dh's 3 sisters! I finally figured out I was an easy target for the mean girls' clique. I am lucky in that I see them only once a year (500+ miles away).

I have learned to lower my expectations to zero, then anything positive is a nice, nice surprise. Also (and not less important to me) I have recently learned to raise my expectations to zero-so I don't start off with a defensive or negative attitude. This requires living in the present and storing any grudges securely away. I agree with others about civility. You might one day try to be nice to her (but not in a fake way), give her a compliment and see what happens.

Try to let mil be dh's domain.

I agree in not discussing negative things about other relatives in front of children (especially younger ones) who may not be able to grasp context. They might repeat what was said and make matters worse.

If there is no relief, look at the visits as opportunities for fantastic journal entries and be elaborate in your descriptions, then let it go. What is important is your dh, and dd; mil may just be toxic baggage and you need not care for or put so much importance on her opinion (but don't let that posture be obvious to her-still be respectful).

Good luck and know you are not alone.

Hi Thank you all for your advice. Taken on board comments about her age and talking in front of dd - In my defence I tried to be respectful about MIL - I tried to explain that I was working through my anger but I do believe children should know people have arguments and still build relationships after them. I am due to meet MIL with the rest of the family for lunch tomorrow...