Lack of Relationship Post Birth

[HappyFeet2021]

Gave birth to my first child 4 months ago and love him to pieces. Despite a traumatic birth, I am keen to have a sexual / intimate relationship with my other half and feel ready. Before I felt this way, I was happy to have some kind of intimacy with OH and said it would be nice if I had a back massage (seeing as I was completely broken for the first 3 months) and it became a "massage for BJ" joke. Except I never got the massage or kiss/cuddle There is NO romance or "intimacy", he is very much a 2 minute foreplay, bang and go kind of man. He has never been romantic at all and is completely vanilla in bed, even when I've suggested new things. I've never been in this situation before! Before pregnancy, I had told him what I like, could we mix it up a bit, could he try certain things e.g. back massage to get me in the mood, and he still doesn't do it. It's making me feel sad and pretty crap, like I am not worth the effort!! I have spoken to him about this on multiple occasions, calmly and argumentatively, and he just buries his head in the sand and completely ignores it. This has been an issue for years.
Every other aspect of our relationship is great but it is like we are two mates and the only physical touch I get is when he wants a BJ! He doesn't seem to get the issue and it is starting to depress me. Is this my sex life for the rest of my life?!

What you want isn't even romance, it's him to give a shit about you enjoying sex as well. He isn't "not romantic" he's a selfish fucker (literally).

It sounds like it was crap long before you had the baby so I doubt it’ll improve. He’s selfish and lazy, I couldn’t live like that. You’ve tried talking to him and he doesn’t care.

So yes, this will your sex life forever if you stay with him.

He's buried his head in the sand and ignored you because he's doing what works - and it's worked pretty well so far, hasn't it? So well, that you decided to stay and have a baby with him.

I find it sad that he sees it as a favour rather than something he wants to do , hence why he's using it as a bargaining chip to get a blow job. The way he is in bed sounds like he just wants a blow up doll really. You're not asking for much, are you? When you were talking about 'mixing it up' that could have been anything - it could have been you asking him to wear pvc shorts or getting into some heavy bdsm stuff.....but all you wanted was a massage.

Every other aspect of our relationship is great but it is like we are two mates and the only physical touch I get is when he wants a BJ!

Yes I think this is what your life is going to be like and I think he's quite happy with that arrangement. There are several women on this board who've posted variations of your issue which roughly follow this line -

'My husband shows no interest in me as a person. I just feel like his housekeeper or his housemate. I feel like he just wanted 'a wife' but doesn't seem to enjoy or want to spend any time with me. The only time he shows any real interest or affection is when he wants sex. Other than that I feel ignored, like I'm simply part of the furniture. I feel so invisible and lovely, but he seems quite happy with the way things are. I've tried to talking to him about it but he just doesn't get what the issue is or just doesn't want to talk about it. Is it me? Am I just ungrateful? Is there more to marriages than this? I'm so sad'

invisible and lonely*

I hate to say it but he will never change. He's been like this for years and you've talked about it and nothing changes. I had an ex-partner like this. BJs then sex. his foreplay was me giving him a BJ and maybe groping me for a sec or two. For me foreplay is the best part so our sex life was hugely boring and disappointing. It never changed even after years together.