How can we stop resentment ruining our marriage (new parents)

[JustUserName]

My DH and I were so happy, he is the love of my life. Neither of us have supportive families and we were each other's family and support. When we had a baby last year I couldn't have done it without him. Covid meant I was alone in hospital for days after c-section and had a horrid sad start to motherhood, but once we got home he was there and was amazing.

Fast forward to now and we are at constant loggerheads it feels. On his side, he works an extremely stressful high pressure job (from home) working long hours till late in the evening and line managing a lot of staff many of whom are quitting. His boss is also on longish sick leave and he feels pressure from all sides. I try to support him by listening to him offload everyday, whenever he steps out of his home office to make tea. I have gone for walks with him to offload and have sat and listened after baby is in bed. I wish his job was less stressful for him.

On my side I'm looking after our 9 month old dd by myself, all day everyday without a support bubble. She's started crawling and is still going through a horrendous 8 month sleep regression. I've had nights where I've had 1 hours sleep. I've tried to do the bulk of night wakings but after 5/5/6 nights on the trot I've been really feeling awful and DH has done the night wakings whilst I slept in spare room. However recently anytime he does something like this I feel there is a comment or resentment building.

Last few days we've felt tense and terse with one another. He's said things like "someone has to bring the money in" which made me seethe and tell him to fuck off. Not proud of my response- not in front of DD who was asleep at the time. I have implemented dinner time at the table to help our dd who is weaning, every evening before her bath. Before that DH and I would eat really late. He has grumbled about this last few days, saying he has to step out of his office, but it's after his official "office hours" when he's just working on his own projects and my argument is he is going to pause for dinner at some point so why not do it at same time as dd eats. I do all the cooking anyway, so all he has to do is sit down and eat. We don't always do it and if he's really swamped I'm not going to insist or anything. It's the fact he treats it like a chore that's been pissing me off. I do baby's bed time every night too because he's still working till late. He generally does one weekend night but baby has started only going down with me which isn't good.

Anyway I could go on. The point is there's this horrible point scoring resentment from both of us. "Well my day was harder" type thing. It's changing our relationship which was once so loving and kind. I feel fucking exhausted. We also haven't had sex for months. It was painful due to birth complications and I was nervous to do it, plus extreme tiredness and sleep regression mean it hardly seems possible. This can't help. But then I don't really feel very sexual at the moment.

We are hoping to enroll dd is a nursery in the summer but until then I can't see any respite.

How can we save our relationship, and get our family and marriage back on track?

Keep going, everything you have said is normal in lots of relationships where both parties are under pressure in different ways.

Communication and letting go of the resentment will be your way out. Ultimately the first year of having a baby is really testing for a relationship and throw in wfh and covid and the stress levels dramatically increase.

Sex can be a great way to reconnect and distress but only if you want to do it. Don’t give up on the relationship the baby will get older/easier and some normality will return.

Can you look at starting nursery now? Even if only 1 day a week to give you a day off and get dd used to other children ?
I started ds at nursery early as with all the restrictions I was worried he was going to miss out on contact with other people / children but most importantly it will give you a break

I largely agree with pp, the first-year with a new baby is tough and a pandemic thrown in themix is I oh going to make it worse. What are your plans work wise? If makes a big difference.

Similar to you OP. My DD is 11 months now. DP wfh in a stressful job with long hours.

I feel like a maid sometimes. Like all I do is cook and clean and look after DD and get no thanks for it.

He thinks I don’t appreciate all he does.

Are you going back to work? I’m going back next month 4 days a week and DD will be in nursery. I think this will really help.

Could you get a cleaner as well if you find the endless cleaning is getting to you?

I’m also encouraging DP to look for a new job. He can’t go on working in such a stressful one, it’s effecting his mental health. Is this an option for your DH?

It’s very hard, I really understand. We have had a few tense weeks this year. I think covid added an extra layer of stress to it as well. He always here! We don’t get a break from each other like we would if DP was out in work during the week.

We are trying to communicate better and without shouting at each other. And spending time together in the evenings. I think things are improving for us.

Don't underestimate the effect of the pandemic, the restrictions are really making life harder and relationships more like a pressure cooker.

Have you been able to meet any other parents? Could you explore a childcare bubble with another family do you reach get a short break?

You need sleep.

Everything feels horrific when you’re not sleeping, truly. You would likely find it much easier to cope with looking after DD mostly on your own if you were getting a good night’s sleep every night.

She’s 8m which means you can safely use sleep training methods to help her learn to get better quality and more restful sleep. It won’t be nice for her either barely sleeping all night and sounds like you can’t cope with it for much longer. We used ferber method at six months and it changed our lives as a family, DC went from sleeping in 30m chunks and needing hours to be rocked back to sleep to going to bed at a decent time, nodding off on his own and sleeping 12hr stretches. It’s safe, effective, and sounds like it’d be the most practical solution to a lot of this. There’s no point in trying to learn how to be less resentful while on an hour’s sleep tbh, it’s torture and you’re not feeling yourself under those conditions.

If you want further support I recommend joining a fb group such as Respectful Sleep Training and Learning and having a read, you don’t have to keep living like this ❤️ As a parent we teach our babies many things, and how to get restful sleep is one of the most important. Good luck.

Someone will be along no doubt to claim sleep training but there’s no evidence for that thankfully, and to be frank the whole family being exhausted, fraught and snappy, and DD not getting proper sleep isn’t great in itself. Really feel for you as this was where we were at six months! It’s hell.

I am sure you know that these are classic problems between new parents .

However, your husband's job does not sound conducive to a happy family life. Even without a pandemic or baby, those hours would play havoc with your relationship. And his health!

I would look at that first.

Once you go back to work you will get a change of scene but I bet everything at home will still be left to you .

As others have said, these are all classic new parent problems, exacerbated by the pandemic. I am a practical sort of person so my suggestions are in that vein. One big picture, "fluffier" suggestion is that it's really worth trying to remember to be kind to each other, to take time to remember how hard the other one is working.

More practically:

Sleep needs to be sorted. You can go the sleep training route as pp have suggested, or just find a better way to do it. For us, that meant that I would sometimes go to bed early while DH did a late feed with DS. I would then inevitably do the middle of the night stuff, but DH would be on from around 5:30. Sometimes, the two of them would doze off together downstairs, and sometimes he'd have to be actively with DS. He'd then keep him while he got ready for work/had breakfast etc, waking me up at around 7:30 with a cup of tea before leaving at 7:45. Knowing I could get at least a few solid hours of sleep was a huge differentiator. And it's not fair for your DH to be getting 8 hours a night while you're subsisting on barely any.

Also, at least one weekend day he needs to be getting up with baby and leaving you to have a lie in. Similarly, he needs a break from stressful work etc so on the other weekend day, you get up and he gets a lie in.

Dinner: I assume you're making it super early to suit DD? I don't blame him for not wanting to do this. It is disruptive. I'd compromise - on weekends you eat all together and perhaps on Fridays. But the other days you and DD eat and he eats later or you go back to feeding DD earlier and the two of you eat after she's down.

Money: comments about "someone has to bring in the cash" suggests he thinks your'e sitting around doing nothing. At some point, a proper conversation has to be had about what your role is and your contribution. Hopefully it was just an instinctive resentful comment, but it's not actually okay. A reminder of any mat benefits you're getting, long term plans to return to work etc.

Consider a child minder, nanny or babysitter for at least a few hours a week now. Even better, someone who comes early enough that DH can do the handover while you just remain in bed sleeping.

Thank you. Going to reply properly to comments when I have more time. Just a quick question for @VanillaCokeZero about Ferber method. The situation is dd still sleeps in our room because spare room is now DH home office, and as he works long hours into the night we haven't been able to put baby in there. So the walking away stuff in the middle of the night might not work? As she'll still see us in the bed?

We did sleep training using pick up put down at 3 months. So she goes down fine. But she wakes in the night and keeps waking unfortunately. She's night weaned so it's not hunger. She doesn't want anything except a cuddle. Not sure what the process should be to help her sleep better.

@JustUserName I know other parents have had success with managing to sleep train while still sharing a room, but as I don't have personal experience with that I'd really recommend joining the facebook group I mentioned and starting a post there or searching to see what others have done. I know it's absolutely possible still to sleep train while sharing a room, sleep training is just helping baby learn how to fall asleep independently. She will wake a lot in the night if she can't fall asleep independently but if she learns how to do that chances are she won't wake as much anyway or if she does she'll be able to settle herself back to sleep.

Are you able to erect a screen so she can't see you? I've heard of people doing the sleep training at the start of the night and then creeping into bed quietly once they're asleep! Sorry I can't be of much more help but don't give up hope, plenty of people manage it while room sharing

Thank you @VanillaCokeZero much appreciated

@byvirtue thank you. Reassuring to know this is common. The problem with having sex is when! I'm off to bed as soon as chores are done and living on zero sleep.

@fedup078 we didn't get our arses in gear quick enough with nursery places, mainly due to uncertainty over Covid, and so now the earliest they have a place is start of July. I've checked others but they're all fully booked for months. I think this will really make a difference though.

@InDubiousBattle I run my own business which has been on pause. I hope to go back part-time once this nursery is sorted.

Thank you @Wearywithteens good advice.

Thank you @Koolandorthegang you are right about communicating. And getting a cleaner is an amazing idea!! I'm going to do that.

@MMMarmite yes I need to remember that Covid has been making things worse. No options for a bubble sadly but hoping for nursery place soon.

@Chamomileteaplease thanks for the reassurance. I'd heard about these problems but thought we were stronger than that so it's shocked me a little.

@Triffid1 thanks for your fluffy and practical suggestions. The night shift system sounds good and I think we do need to be strict about weekend lie ins which haven't properly happened and dd isn't whisked away quickly enough and I can't go back to sleep. Dinner- the compromise was we do it Monday-thurs at 6.15pm with me and DH having later dinner together on weekends. He loved the idea initially but obviously got grumpy about it when stressed. I'm not going to worry about it though - I'll just have to plate his up and he can either join in or have it later. Not worth an argument.
It's an interesting idea for a babysitter whilst we wait for the nursery place in July. What would we ask them to do and what would I do whilst they were here?

Totally normal. It's hard... very hard. Tbh I didn't think my relationship would survive but it did. No sleep makes everything harder.

I know what it's like having a partner working from home with a stressful job, even now 3.5 years in I have to keep DD 'out of the way' on my days when I'm not at work but he is.
Would you consider putting your DD into a childcare provider you trust for one day a week ( or even half a day) if you can afford it? You can catch up on sleep, have a chat with your DH, get some jobs done and importantly have a bit of free time for you.

Regarding sleep, I agree with split shifts. It saved my sanity. Do what works for you...personally I'm a night owl so I let my partner sleep the start of the night and then I'd take the later shift, but try to work something out so you both get a decent chunk. Work on 4-5 hours sleep and anything else is bonus at this stage. I remember a mum friend IRL said to me 'As long as you have a 4 hour chunk you can get through the next day fine'...and it's still true for me.

Good luck, it will get easier

I second the Ferber sleep training suggestion. If you're child is fed, dry and you've checked they're healthy/not in pain, there's no reason at all why people don't sleep train as much anymore. You need to follow the method strictly otherwise it defeats the purpose.

It seems sometimes we want to make unnecessary martyrs of ourselves and getting overwhelmed by trying to be perfect which ends up being worse for the baby in the long run! Even if the baby sees you next to her, she'll soon figure out that she needs to self soothe. Over time the fact you're present in the same room will be enough for her.

Things aren't perfect with the husband (what is?) but he sounds like a rare good man and to those criticising him, I'm sure he doesn't want to be in a super stressful job any more than the OP! It's a super hard job market out there plus he's mainly financially responsible for the whole family so of course he's super stressed.

Things feel very awful now OP but don't worry, all things will pass You're doing a great job

The other thing you could do is try co sleeping with her. But follow this advice: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Honestly OP what you have described is totally normal. Was very similar after the birth of both of my children, although they were pre-pandemic so DH would just be out of the house 7am - 9pm or later and would come home to a shit hole, no dinner, I'd be exhausted, one of the babies would still be settling etc. It's so hard.

Now I'm expecting no 3 and I know to expect it. It will still be tough but we know we can get through it together.

My best advice to new parents is not to make any major decisions in the first year after a baby is born. It can be hard to think straight and put things in perspective. Sit down calmly, try to work out how to work as a team, make sure you both have the same expectations.

I agree with the others see if you can her her into a nursery, childminder etc even for a morning or two to start with. Give you a breather and give her an exciting new experience.

I've had a mother's help since my second was born, a local teaching student who comes for a couple of hours at a time. Plays with the older ones, drops of at nursery, sometimes fetches some shopping for me, folds the laundry, holds a baby, whatever. Life saver. And someone for me to chat to!

It doesn't sound like either of you are doing anything 'wrong' as such. it's a really hard time and maybe you just have to keep struggling through and hold on to the fact that it is temporary.

Possible practical things which may (or may not ) help:

• Is there any way at all your husband can reduce his work commitments? It sounds as if he is working more than his contracted hours. If so, has he talked to them about it - what are they doing to resolve the problem? Hiring someone else etc?
• Communicate communicate communicate. Do you both say stuff like, 'I'm really unhappy/stressed right now. I know you're feeling the same. I don't expect you to do anything about it, but just know that I still love you and we will get through it.' Then you are in it together - BOTH feeling stressed by outside factors, rather than feeling stressed by each other? More like a team?
• For your own sanity is there anyone you could meet up with during the day - other new mums etc?
• Sex/intimacy is important. Can you fit it in at the weekend? Morning/evening? Please tell me he doesn't work all day Sat and Sun too!?

I think the real crux of the matter here is his abnormal working hours. He has no work-life balance. Is there any way out of that as long term he is going to miss so much of his daughter’s life. Are you planning on going back to work when DD goes to nursery, if so will that enable him to free some time?

This is normal for most parents, it's harder when you don't have a network of support.
You just have to get on with it and try not to wind the other person up.
Don't make decisions without consulting the other. i.e food time, it doesn't matter.
Perhaps eat later with him and you can communicate during this time.
Is he looking for a better job, I'm not surprised everyone is quitting.

Not RRFT but could you buy in some childcare pending nursery spaces being available? The burden of childcare is supposed to be shared - your H should be more available though I get why he’s not. At the moment, you’re doing too much. Are there any local childminders or nannies offering care maybe 1 or 2 half-days a week - or a night nanny to help with sleep training - to the extent this is possible with COVID rules? You need more sleep than you’re getting. It will start to affect your physical and mental health if you continue this way and that’s bad for all of you.

It's an interesting idea for a babysitter whilst we wait for the nursery place in July. What would we ask them to do and what would I do whilst they were here?

This is up to you. You could use this time to sleep - especially good if babysitter takes baby out for a walk, to the park, to a baby group (if any are back in your area) etc. You could do other chores that you have had to neglect whether that's cleaning, cooking or shopping. You could lie on your bed, or in a park, reading a book. You could do a class at a gym or go for a run. Whatever you would find most useful and helpful for your personal stress levels.

I had a babysitter for DS about once every 2 weeks from when he was a few weeks old. Just 3 - 4 hours or so. It was pre Covid of course, so usually I went out. I'd sit in a coffee shop with my book, do a little shopping etc. But just that time away from him was such a relief. In our case, the babysitter was a professional nanny who was keen to pick up a few additional ad hoc hours. IIRC, she was working 3 days a week at the time but was happy to do a few school-time hours for me on a friday (she had a child at school). We did similar with DD, using the time to do specific activities with DS.

To be honest, I think the best thing you can do is try and just accept this for what it is right now. Your each doing two important things he's working, your raising your child. It sounds like he helps where he can and doesn't sound completely selfish unless you haven't mentioned something else but I'd only get pissed off if he was clocking off and then doing leisure activities and leaving you to do the rest of the jobs by your self and not allowing you any time to relax.