Will I ever be truly happy?

[Doingitagain2]

Is anyone actually really happy? I mean has anyone had the fairytale romance? I’m not sure why I’m not happy, I could list 20 different small reasons but not sure if it’s me or circumstance.
I’m divorced from an abusive man, two children with exh and have a new partner of 3 years.
Obviously I wasn’t happy in my marriage. Now I’m still not happy. New partner is great, great cook, good with kids. Has his own children who we have 50/50 and a friendly relationship with his exw, although this relationship made me feel like the ow in the beginning and now I resent the past because it makes me feel I wasn’t the one he actually wanted and he just stayed with me because she wouldn’t have him back.
So why and I still not happy? Am I looking for something that isn’t there? To be swept off my feet, to feel special.
Now I’m just meh about the whole relationship and not sure what I should be doing.
I have loved him so much and still do but there has been so many that he’s made me and my children feel unimportant that I’m not sure I want this forever. I’m also bored atm, we can’t go on holiday (something I did a lot). I don’t like my house, work is boring and my ex is just being awful to my children so there’s just so much that I’m confused about. I never though life would be so hard

You need to be happy alone, a relationship should be an added bonus.

I think happiness is often a choice.

However that doesn't apply if things are actually making you unhappy. A relationship which isn't working or is actively making you unhappy is never going to bring joy.

It's the meh things that you can choose to look at as either glass half full or glass half empty.

Life is boring a lot of the time. But if you feel gratitude for what you do have and change your perspective to one of glass half full you can find happiness.

The vast majority of your post is about your romantic relationships and i think it’s telling you also led with the ‘fairytale’ comment. The rest of the things you’re unhappy about (job, holidays etc) get a couple of lines at the end.

Honestly I think this is what your issue is - too much emphasis on what a romantic relationship can do for your happiness and not on the all the other areas of your life. It’s true that a good relationship can add to happiness but it can never be the main reason for being satisfied in life. It’s way too much pressure to place on ourselves and other people - a romantic relationship just cannot offer all of that.

If your husband is not a good husband and you don’t feel loved then that needs working on - maybe you need to rethink the marriage entirely or go to couples therapy etc, but even if you met ‘Mr Handsome Prince’ tomorrow it wouldn’t change everything else about your life.

I too think you possibly have slightly too high expectations from a relationship but I guess that stems from being in an abusive one prior to this. Life IS hard, but its peppered with moments of every other emotion, although at the moment I expect a lot of us are bored, and this probably isn't the time for making life changing decisions as most people aren't living a 'normal' life at the moment.

All that said though, you touched on the fact that you and your children feel like his second choice, what happened to cause this and was that truly the case, or is your own mind telling you that?

I meant to add too, do you suffer with anxiety at all? I do, have done for years, and obsessional thinking, and one of my goto worries is, am I happy? Do i REALLY love him, oh god I should leave or I wouldn't be having these thoughts. What if he turns out to be the worlds greatest cheater ( he isn't, my ex can have that grand title) All complete rubbish but when my anxiety gets a grip (most days at some point!!!) I can't rationalise.

You will never ever be happy as long as your happiness is dependent on another person. And you need to see the fairytale happy ever after romance for the fictional nonsense it is.

I recommend you read The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck. I learned from that in my twenties the difference between in love and love. That distinction made a massive difference to me and I stopped trying to maintain the 'in love' state in relationships and allow the maturer, richer state of 'love' to occur.

Also, just do some work on yourself and your life so you feel happy in yourself. Focus on feeling happy alone, doing your own thing, happy with friends, happy in your work or studies or as a mother. Build different aspects of your life in a way that brings you satisfaction. Set small goals for yourself - whether it's learning a new skill or getting promoted at work or getting fit and doing a race - then really celebrate the achievements.

I'm a very happy person who also has - or had - life long depression. I find massive joy in tiny every day stuff like watching nature or a good cup of coffee or favourite music. I also celebrate any small good thing in life. Our family are always opening a bottle of wine or baking a cake or buying flowers or going out for the day because of some tiny milestone in life: DC finished exams, I got a new contract, it's Winter Solstice (celebrate that as well as Christmas etc) Just look for ways to have fun and create joy that are entirely of your making not dependent on a man.

Nothing to go on except what you have written.

As others have said your focus was on happiness coming from a romantic relationship. In other words you look to another or others to make you happy. They won’t and there is no reason for them to do this for you. Especially if you have no idea what you need or want to be happy. You need to look into yourself and find what things evoke positive emotions for you. It is not the same for everyone. Which is why we all live different lives in different ways.

I would say that some people are fortunate in that they have more money and time to organise their life around likes rather than chores and stresses. But you know most people work on getting to that position.

What I meant by being a happy depressive is - the depression was a medical disorder - a chemical imbalance that used to descend on me from nowhere, for no reason, not caused by events, mainly seasonal. I used to fight it with lots of tiny moments of happiness because when it's not around I do feel very contented, more so than most people, I think.

How long were you single between relationships?

You have raised issues with your current relationship, never feeling you or your dc are as important. This can be an issue if you both rushed relationships. Once you get to the 2 year stage then the honeymoon is over and you are into the realities of life. It should move into a phase of steady love where you know and trust each other.

Explore your feelings about the relationship,are you expecting too much or are you receiving too little? Is this the man for you long term?

No you won’t be happy because you view life as glass half empty

@DinosaurDiana

You need to be happy alone, a relationship should be an added bonus.

Absolutely this.

You need to make your own life an adventure. Focus on learning about and loving yourself. See men as simply to 'compliment' your life. Never to 'complete' it.

The real world is not a fairytale and especially, having had an abuser in your past already, you need to be very careful not to see men as knights in shining armour. Because none of them are. And the ones that want you to think they are, are often abusers trying to con you.

It's hard right now with everything shut and holidays not an option. But you can make plans for when things open again. And yes the time to learn how to spot the sorts of men who might take advantage of your desire for the fairytale.

Not every life story is a romance. It doesnt mean that it cant still be beautiful.

Some people just aren’t happy people. Maybe you will never be happy. Do you think you make your children and your partner happy?

The vast majority of your post is about your romantic relationships and i think it’s telling you also led with the ‘fairytale’ comment. The rest of the things you’re unhappy about (job, holidays etc) get a couple of lines at the end.

Honestly I think this is what your issue is - too much emphasis on what a romantic relationship can do for your happiness and not on the all the other areas of your life. It’s true that a good relationship can add to happiness but it can never be the main reason for being satisfied in life. It’s way too much pressure to place on ourselves and other people - a romantic relationship just cannot offer all of that.

This post, and in fact many of the ones that came after it, have really touched a nerve in me. I’m happily married but a right grumpy cow and I think - no, I now know - it’s because I’ve let loads of “me” slip since getting hitched.

Thanks for these reminders to find my way back to my own life.

You need to be happy alone, a relationship should be an added bonus.

This with bells on. It isn’t wise to pin your happiness in a relationship; it can go wrong with you splitting up or your partner could die. I saw the devastating impact of this on my MIL when my FIL died in a car accident.

It’s also too much pressure to put on another person.

I always feel that it is the small daily things that make me happy or thankful
Sunny day
Chocolate

The big things, like relationships, holidays, are the cherry on top of the cake, the bonus

This relationship genuninely may not be right if you feel like you are second choice (though I'm confused as to why you're surprised your kids are second choice to him, considering he's not their dad and he naturally has his own kids to prioritise ) however as others have said , you're putting too much pressure in any case on a romantic relationship to fulfil you.

What about friends, passions, what about the deeper meaning of life I.e. being kind to others, helping those in need? If we are self centred (and all of us are to an extent unless we purposefully choose to focus on others less fortunate) then we will naturally experience deep discontentment at some point as we're ultimately not called to be so self focused.

For me, my relationship with God and his truly unconditional love for me that no man is capable of, fulfils the void that no other human being or thing can. It doesn't mean I don't have struggles at times but I have peace and joy and I see my current life as part of a bigger picture with fulfilment to come that is total, complete and eternal in the next life, which is simply not possible in this world of constant change, uncertainty, and temporal things.

@booboo24 yes I think it is my anxiety playing up atm. I’m over thinking everything, being irrational and not sleeping. I’m over weight and struggling with co parenting with my exh

I had been single a while before I met my exh and then again for a year before I met my partner and really enjoyed it. Iv travelled, got a career (although as only p/t atm isn’t moving). The last few years with my divorce and abusive exh have taken its toll and I never used to get anxious about anything.

I have lots of friends, although obviously haven’t been sociable for a long time l. Did girly weekends away and help less fortunate families that need it. I own my own property and am successful in my own right. Yet the struggling to find happiness right now. My exh is awful tho and I know I’m struggling with that.

The thing with the children is that we agreed to treat them all as equally as possible. I do a lot for his children to make them part of the family, own rooms, school runs and make sure they are included with as much stuff as possible, he has then turned around and said He’s taking his dc on holiday by himself making me think why have I done all this. Not that I’m against it but it’s somewhere my kids would love to go and that I thought would be a lovely place for us all.

I don’t see an issue in him going away with his children alone, you shouldn’t take everything personally

If your looking for someone else to make you happy your always going to end up disapointed, it's not their job, it's yours.
So many are unhappy because they won't take full responsibility for themselves, they would rather someone else do it. Being miserable has a very negative effect on the people around you, especially your partner and children. You can end up becoming a burden.
Being grateful is the antidote for anxiety. Focus on what you have got and what's going right in your life.

[quote Doingitagain2]@booboo24 yes I think it is my anxiety playing up atm. I’m over thinking everything, being irrational and not sleeping. I’m over weight and struggling with co parenting with my exh

I had been single a while before I met my exh and then again for a year before I met my partner and really enjoyed it. Iv travelled, got a career (although as only p/t atm isn’t moving). The last few years with my divorce and abusive exh have taken its toll and I never used to get anxious about anything.

I have lots of friends, although obviously haven’t been sociable for a long time l. Did girly weekends away and help less fortunate families that need it. I own my own property and am successful in my own right. Yet the struggling to find happiness right now. My exh is awful tho and I know I’m struggling with that.

The thing with the children is that we agreed to treat them all as equally as possible. I do a lot for his children to make them part of the family, own rooms, school runs and make sure they are included with as much stuff as possible, he has then turned around and said He’s taking his dc on holiday by himself making me think why have I done all this. Not that I’m against it but it’s somewhere my kids would love to go and that I thought would be a lovely place for us all.[/quote]
@Doingitagain2, how do your kids feel about all this? From their perspective I can easily imagine they feel you're overly concerned about pleasing this man and his kids over them.

Remember they never asked for this set up with a random unrelated male they didn't choose, plus his children, occupying their lives and their home. Your kids are the ones really losing out in this whole situation.

Your boyfriend seems to be doing the right thing in ensuring his kids get quality time with him as their dad, without others who are not their family, being forced on them all the time. Your kids already have the huge life disruption of their real family breaking up and a dad who is being "awful" to them; their natural priority is to spend their time with YOU their mum, not this man or his kids. Right now brcause of what's going on with you and their dad, they're going to feel like they're no one's priority.

Why can't you just take your children to this place (or other places) just you and them? It's so sad that their desires have become second place to this man and this forced blended family you're trying to create.

Some people are just happier than others. I left an abusive marriage and met my incredible dh. We have a good life so i have every reason to be happy but I tend to focus on the problems and compromises which are always there in a second marriage. I look at non-step families with envy but in reality, most family’s have one problem or other.

To be honest though the holiday thing would upset me too. Either you’re a family or you aren’t.

Did he present the solo holiday without discussion? I think after 3 years it should be joint decision, given you live together. Having separate holidays with dc is positive but I don't think one partner decides unilaterally. I'm not sure you are a successfully blended family....yet! What if it remained like this?

How are finances sorted, separate or joint, whose house?

I think you need to focus on yourself, put together a list of your aspirations and goals.

Take back control