How do I do this?

[StMellion3]

I’m in a very toxic relationship. We’ve been together around 8 years, have one DC together and he has two DC from his past relationship. We argue a lot and I know it’s so unhealthy for all 3 children. I feel I’m losing a sense of who I am and where I am/ aren’t to blame and I feel like I’m constantly on edge. I know in my heart I need to leave because we are both unhappy and I don’t even see him as a friend anymore, much less a partner.
The hard bit is that I’ve spent my whole relationship seeing how painful he’s made life for his ex - none of which I’ve in any way supported and so often I’m trapped in the middle trying to calm things. Almost everything relating their children has to go via me because they argue so much.
I dread going to that place and being her. I dread losing time with my DC who is the only thing left keeping me going. He never got 50% custody of his DC and always regretted it so I have no doubt he’ll go for 50% of my DC. I don’t disagree that he has as much right to my son as I do but I know how he’ll manipulate things. He frequently badmouths his ex to his DC and is aggressive and moody with them, to the point that they don’t want to stay here any more.

How do I leave, knowing what’s ahead?

Bumping sorry op i need sleep. Hope someone will be along soon

You just do.
What is probably ahead is bad but no is better than what you are going through now.

That no shouldn't be there.

What is probably ahead is bad but is better than what you are going through now.

Find out your rights. You know what he is like, and forewarned is forearmed.

Hope you are OK and that others will suggest solutions.

Staying is more damaging. Staying is worse. That's why you leave.

Neither of you have "rights" to your child. It is about your child's right to safe and healthy relationships with his parents. And your son's right not to be subjected to an aggressive, abusive man where safe, healthy relationships are unavailable. Your son's right to live in a home where he knows what safety and stability feel like rather than his current unsafe abusive home.

You protect your child by leaving. It's not easy but it's the right thing to do.

Are you married/do you own a property together? Do you have a place to go if you do leave? Get yourself organised before you tell him anything

The wise of MN will walk you through each stage if you want OP. Collectively they have seen and one it all.

I agree with AyraStarkWolf start getting passports, important documents together and make appointments with solicotors until you find one you can get along with. Don;t tell him anything yet but when you do, if he kicks off, call the Police. Your life will be so much easier if he does something illegal!

Done it all fat fingers

Thank you for all this advice.

I agree regarding the use of word of ‘rights’ @user1636853246842157

My fear in leaving is that essentially i don’t guarantee all those rights to my son. I’m leaving him to fend for himself on that every time I will have to leave him with his dad - and I’ll no longer be there.

He has never hit anyone or been physically violent to a person, but he has frequently smashed items and scared the children with his aggression. From my side it’s not the physical that scares me - it’s how much he manipulates and messes with my mind - saying things but then completely denying them which makes me start questioning my own sanity. He used tactics like completely shutting down on giving answers to simple things (like in his ex’s case, simple things like ‘when will they be back’)
I guess my fear is that being on the other side won’t be better for any of us. At least being present means I’m here to help.

but he has frequently smashed items and scared the children with his aggression.

Make sure you make this clear when you speak to authorities. IME, it is only a matter of time before he will be physically aggressive with you or your child.

@AryaStarkWolf - no we aren’t married. I was very keen to be when we fell pregnant but now am very grateful we aren’t. I have a job I can support myself on so I could find somewhere to live. I have no family and few friends anywhere nearby because I left my previous life to move back to his home town to be closer to his family. Family and closest friends are now 100s of miles away. I’m not sure on my rights of therefore being able to move back to my own support network - who I would need if I was alone, if this adds 100s miles between him and his child, and also between my child and his siblings.

Half-siblings.

[quote StMellion3]@AryaStarkWolf - no we aren’t married. I was very keen to be when we fell pregnant but now am very grateful we aren’t. I have a job I can support myself on so I could find somewhere to live. I have no family and few friends anywhere nearby because I left my previous life to move back to his home town to be closer to his family. Family and closest friends are now 100s of miles away. I’m not sure on my rights of therefore being able to move back to my own support network - who I would need if I was alone, if this adds 100s miles between him and his child, and also between my child and his siblings.[/quote]
You should probably get some advice from a solicitor about where you stand on moving etc, what age is your son?

@ILoveShula - correct, but I don’t think this has any impact on the relationship they have - they love each other like any siblings do. I can’t help but consider them in this - I also love them dearly.
@AryaStarkWolf - yes I think that’s probably my best route. A clean break would be best for me but clearly not as easy with children involved. If it was just me, I would have run and run and never looked back.

Do you need housing help from the local authority or have you got somewhere to go? New legislation recently came in to help those escaping domestic abuse (what you describe could be included in that - mind games manipulation / threat of violence), people fleeing get high priority and will be seen quickly.

Wasn't nit-picking, but you must put yourself and your child first. It's nice that they are close.