Affection - or lack of

[needagirlsnight]

How do I either accept or make peace with the fact my dh is not affectionate? He was in the very start of our relationship in the throes of first love - totally affectionate. But I don't think that was really his true self as after about 9 months that became a lot less. Over the last 2/3 years since we've had our child there is zero affection, when I say affection I mean, kisses, hugs, arm touches, bum touches any kind of physical touch.

He kisses me on his way to work and that's it. When I approach him for a hug or a kiss he responds but there's nothing more than that from him.

I've raised it so many times, told him it makes me feel unloved, that I'm not in a romantic relationship etc he just says he's not a naturally affectionate person plus busy lives, a toddler, work opposing shifts and life is generally tiring so to him it just isn't something that crosses his mind.

I accept it mostly but every few months it really starts to get to me, it just makes me really sad. I want to feel loved and cared for, to me that's what affection tells you that someone feels.

We've done the love language thing in the past and mine was affection and his was acts of service. I totally get it's not a natural thing to him but I need more than there is to not be sad about it, if that makes sense?

Acts of service for him he said means doing things around the house, household chores, keeping the ship sailing as a team I suppose.

I just want a bit of romance back, we've had it tough in lockdown and I'm wfh which means we're under each other's feet all the time which doesn't help.

When I raise it he often feels like I'm criticising him, which I suppose I am but I don't know how else to fix it?

Hi, sorry to hear your unhappy, unfortunately I don’t think you can “fix” this, I’m a bit like your partner, I don’t really like constant physical contact, I find it a bit invasive in my personal space, but clearly you do.
Possibly after lockdown is lifted you can spend a bit less time in each other’s pockets, but ultimately you may not get the level of physical touch you are after, and maybe you will need to rethink your current situation

I am an 'acts of sevice' one as well, with an affectionate DP. Its give and take. I make a concerted effort to touch, hug, kiss him as I know that is what he needs more than I do but not to a point where it makes me want to withdraw. He understands that I need physical space, but him making me tea, ironing or washing up means just as much to me as a hug does to him. We don't live together so this has been easier than expected for me as I get a lot of space. He is an amazing man and we understand each other. It took a lot of communication though to get to this point.

Sounds like you have been under each others feets a lot, which is never going to help. Maybe take a step back from touching him as continuing to insist upon it will just make him back off more.

Maybe when you spend time apart, things will naturally fall back. If you cannot tolerate lack of physical affection for the time being, then time to look at splitting. He won't and shouldn't have to change to suit you and vice versa.

This sounds like me and my ex. I like cuddling and non sexual affection and he felt like fixing my car or giving me money was showing “love”. He wasn’t even verbally affectionate. I can’t count how many time I’d tell him what I needed but he never changed (oddly he was very affectionate with his dd and his dog so I assume he could be affectionate if he really wanted to) even his DC would say we acted more like friends than bf and gf. I always felt lonely in the relationship and ended up resenting him.

So you have to realize he will never change and accept it, especially if he is a good man.

I honestly don't need constant physical affection. I'd be happy with a peck every few days and a hug once a week and an arm round me when watching tv now and again at the moment it's about 6 weeks since I got any of that, it's making me feel that he's not interested in me and had no desire whatsoever.

He still initiates sex but I know the minute he cuddles me in bed that's exactly where it's headed and although I want to, and I'm glad of the intimacy I'm starting to resent him for only approaching me when it comes to that and it's making me feel a bit worthless.

I've never been in a relationship with someone so closed off to affection so it's really odd for me.

I think based on the advice here there's nothing I can do to change him and I need to accept it or move on. We have a good relationship, we're a team in every way, housework, childcare, DIY etc,

I can't change who he is, I suppose this thread has helped me to see that there isn't a basic level of affection that comes with a relationship as everyone is different.

Do you all genuinely go weeks without any affection? Not even a hug?

Oh also the the PP that said take a step back from touching him - I absolutely did about 2 years ago. I barely touch him, maybe once a week I will kiss him or hug him - it makes me feel awkward now so I actively avoid it because I know he gets nothing from it. It's really upsetting me talking about it here but it's something I just need to accept I suppose

@needagirlsnight My husband is exactly the same and I feel just like you do when he approaches me for sex in bed after barely touching me all day. It's really difficult.

My DH thinks making me a cup of tea is showing love, but I can make myself a cup of tea. I can't hug myself! I know it's a love languages thing, but doing chores is just something you have to do whether you're in a relationship or not, so I find it hard to value it as loving.

I don't know what the answer is, but you're not alone.

There isn’t an “affection” love language. Did you mean “physical touch”?

My DH is like yours. He’s awkward with hugs, but he’ll spend hours changing the oil in my car, doing the big food shop, fixing my stuff, or helping my parents with things.

I’ve made peace by just accepting it.

Ooh wait - try this. If you know his LL is acts of service, try doing acts of service for him. Try it for a week. Small stuff (so you don’t get resentful) but thoughtful. According to the book, that should make him feel absolutely adored and loved by you, so he might then become more affectionate naturally.

It’s worth a try maybe?

I live alone, so no affection for me, but even in relationships I’ve never really liked hugging, or putting my arm around someone, feels so clingy and needy (too me), but I get it that some people see physical touch as affection, I just don’t 🤷🏼
I doubt your husband is “closed to affection”, he just sees it differently to you, if you need affection in that manner, You will have initiate it, sorry,

@ThatOtherPoster yes sorry physical touch.

That's a good idea to try the acts of service and see what happens. My only worry is If he doesn't reciprocate with affection I will end up feeling worse than I do right now.

I told him that we are living like lodgers and that we need to get some romance back and he agreed with me. I don't know why but the more I think about this the more sadness I'm feeling. Basically I will have a lifetime of this and it's something I need to compromise on if I want the relationship to continue.

I think if we spent less time in each other's pockets we might get better as would value our time together, things are going to change as life gets back to normal in that sense and we spend more time apart. I can see that when he does make a fleeting effort to be affectionate he feels ridiculous as it's so unnatural and he's almost cringing at himself

Me and dh are probably overly affectionate and our dc have become like that too. I had a previous bf who hated hugs etc and I think I wore him down as I’m very affectionate and by the end of the relationship he craved them and used to ask me ‘where’s my hug today?’ Having said that I prefer dh who was like this from day 1. It’s important to be matched in affection I think

Maybe he finds it overwhelming because he thinks you want it all day everyday and so gives up. You could try discussing it with him again but from the perspective of what yours and his expectations are. You could say actually I would be happy with a hug once a week, a kiss twice a week, a cuddle when we watch TV twice a week.

He may have to do it like a checklist at the start. It might become more natural/spontaneous for him over time but at least he knows exactly what you need.

Thanks @Allthingspeaches - it's true that I've never laid out how often I would like it, at the same time though I'm happy to go a few days with nothing and I don't complain to him when it's been longer than that.
I don't suffocate him with affection or anything I think the last time I hugged him was a week ago. The last time he showed me any affection was about 6 weeks ago.

He knows I'm off this week as he asked me if there was something wrong. I said we haven't had a cuddle in a while and he said we can look forward to that this weekend. It almost feels like he's gearing himself up for it not great for the self asteem! I just always thought touch and affection was a natural pet of a relationship so I'm finding this a revelation that it isn't that way for all couples!

Will you be happy though if he gives you affection? I'm not sure that you will. It's not particularly nice to be hugged by someone who's affectionate because they see it as a duty, a favour they're doing for you. It's a bit robotic, isn' it?

Surely want you need and need is mutual affection enjoyment?

@EarthSight I think you're totally right.

I have to decide if a lifetime of non spontaneous affection is something I can compromise on. Up to now it has been and we've been together for 7 years. I can't have a go at him for being who he is, same as he can't get annoyed at me for wanting affection. I think we need a middle ground on this with me accepting less affection and him trying to increase

@needagirlsnight
I have read all your updates and one thing that jumps out to me is that you keep using the term “affection”, when you seem to mean cuddle/hug, etc.
If you husband shows his affection towards you in a different way, simply asking him to be more affectionate isn’t going to work, as he may be giving his all, but it’s not in the way you want

You (or he), maybe has to change your thinking or mindset or language, as affection probably means something different to HIM than it does to YOU.
Not having a cuddle for a while wouldn’t even crack my top 10 of things to think about, but it’s clearly important for you, you somehow need to communicate this to your partner, maybe think about things that are important to him and reverse that to him, as in “you know how doing xxx is really important to you, cuddling on the sofa is just as important to me “, and see what the reaction is.

Good luck, it will never be spontaneous

@JustAnotherOldMan thank you, you're right I do use that term when in reality I actually mean cuddle, touch, kiss, arm around etc.

I will try being really specific with him when we chat.

It's taking me a while to let all these replies sink in as I'm a bit stunned that other couples don't regularly kiss/cuddle and I thought it was just us

All of you that don't have touch as their love language - do you ever kiss your partner? Or is that something that's only at the start of a relationship?

Another thing you can try is to your partner what he understands affection as meaning, then compare this with your understanding and see the differences.

So today whilst we were out shopping he touched me 3 times I haven't actually had the chat with him yet, all I said earlier in the week was that I needed a cuddle.

It's strange but when he's in a good mood he touches me more.

So all is good right now and I do believe he loves me. I am going to try the acts of service this week and see how he responds

I personally (late 50s) hate cuddling , holding hands etc— I’ve always been like this— but absolutely go out my way in ‘acts of service’ . I’m like it with friends too and one of my friends told me she actually finds me more genuine and will always go the extra mile than the constant ‘hugs’ friends who can be flakey if she actually needs help .