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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken promise.

14 replies

iwishihadthoughtofthat · 20/04/2021 20:27

I am feeling so confused and rejected.I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years,and engaged for 18 months.We were due to get married later this year,and had booked the ceremony,hotel etc.I thought we were getting along o.k,and was looking forward to it all.However,the other night,he said that he was feeling trapped,and didn't want to get married,and that he definately wasn't going to marry me as arranged.He said he had been feeling like this for a while,and that i had coerced him into it.It was him though that had booked the ceremony etc.He said that he liked being engaged,as he liked wearing a ring.I feel that he has broken a promise to me,We don't live together,and he says he wants to carry on as we are,in our own houses,I just feel so rejected and depressed about it all,as it has come out of the blue.Am i making a fuss about nothing? Also,he has been married twice before,as have i.

OP posts:
HeadFuzzy · 20/04/2021 20:31

You’re not making a fuss but he has every right and should say this to you now before you’re married. He’s done quite a brave thing really. Now you have to decide what’s best for you.

Ruminating2020 · 20/04/2021 20:38

So sorry to hear this. That's awful for you and you must be devastated. However, I think he has been brave and honest to express his true feelings now than go through with it and regret after marriage, although you may not see that now.

You need to know for yourself what you want at this point and whether what is being offered now is enough for you.

Nsky · 20/04/2021 20:39

Far better now, painful as it is.
Things could be much worse, tho I understand if you are upset

mrstea301 · 20/04/2021 22:35

It must feel horrible, but better a broken engagement than a divorce. Think how much worse it would have been if you had went through with the wedding and you split after it. It would be horrible to think that he'd stood up and said his vows in front of everyone and didn't mean it.

You need to have a proper think about where you go from here. Is marriage not on the table at all now? Do you want to carry on in a relationship? Do you think you'd fully trust him to not do this again?

If you've been together for a while and he doesn't want to get married or live together, then it might be time to call it a day. It is not wrong to want those things, he may just not be the man for you, but that means the right one is out there if you want that!

This may be a blessing in disguise for you. I hope you're ok xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/04/2021 22:40

Why don’t you live together?

Do you want to keep seeing him? Him saying you coerced him doesn’t say much about his feelings for you.

It would be the fifth wedding between you so maybe he’s just run out of optimism for marriage.

Sorry you’re going through this but it’s far better that he’s told you now then closer to the date or after, meaning yet another divorce.

Anordinarymum · 21/04/2021 02:34

If you have both been married twice before why on earth would you want to do it again ?

It all sounds so serious and life shouldn't be like that.

Just enjoy each other and let the relationship run it's course.

MsDogLady · 21/04/2021 05:55

OP, you’d already been feeling unsettled about him.

You’ve written that he wanted to live separately while married, which would not work for you. He lost his former home in his divorce, is attached to his current house, and won’t share it.

He recently admitted exchanging blows with both his exWife and exGF. He actually has a criminal record for assault. He previously claimed to have never struck a woman, so had obviously lied. You were stunned because he has always been kind and gentle toward you, and has never even raised his voice. He said he’d never hurt you, but your trust was shaken. You’d been physically/emotionally abused in a prior relationship.

His accusation that you coerced him about marriage doesn’t sound very ‘kind and gentle’ to me. It sounds like he is rewriting history. You are devastated, but you already knew about his violent past and that you’d never live together.

He is a very bad bet, so don’t sabotage your life. Walk away.

category12 · 21/04/2021 06:05

It's a bullet dodged, surely, op?

You don't have to stay in a relationship with him if it isn't matching your needs and life goals nor making you happy. Make a change.

Whitegrapewine · 21/04/2021 06:20

in the light of @MsDogLady's post I would say he is withdrawing so that he can reluctantly let you persuade him to marry, then he can start to be abusive because he "never wanted to get married".

updownroundandround · 21/04/2021 06:44

From the second I read ''I thought we were getting along o.k'', I knew this was never going to end well for you..............

You simply don't marry someone when you're ''getting along ok'', you marry someone ''when you could never even imagine ever being without them'' and because ''they make me feel fantastic/ invincible/ loved/ adored'', but never when they make you feel ''OK'' Sad

From your previous posts, it's clear that this is not a man you should ever be in a 'relationship' with, never mind marry !

Please cut your losses, and use this golden opportunity to escape from this abusive relationship.

He's already abused your trust, lied to you, and admitted physically abusing both Ex partners. He will abuse you too, he's just subtly eroding all your 'defences' and setting the scene to accuse you of 'trapping' him. That is when he'll start to physically assault you too.

autumnalrain · 21/04/2021 10:53

I think you both need to slow down with the marriages tbh.

You don’t get married when you’re ‘getting along okay’. I would have thought after the first two you would have been more cautious.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/04/2021 13:53

@MsDogLady

OP, you’d already been feeling unsettled about him.

You’ve written that he wanted to live separately while married, which would not work for you. He lost his former home in his divorce, is attached to his current house, and won’t share it.

He recently admitted exchanging blows with both his exWife and exGF. He actually has a criminal record for assault. He previously claimed to have never struck a woman, so had obviously lied. You were stunned because he has always been kind and gentle toward you, and has never even raised his voice. He said he’d never hurt you, but your trust was shaken. You’d been physically/emotionally abused in a prior relationship.

His accusation that you coerced him about marriage doesn’t sound very ‘kind and gentle’ to me. It sounds like he is rewriting history. You are devastated, but you already knew about his violent past and that you’d never live together.

He is a very bad bet, so don’t sabotage your life. Walk away.

OP can you read this summary back objectively and admit that marrying this man would be a huge mistake? Same goes for staying with him. He's awful.
Sunflower1970 · 21/04/2021 14:00

Why do you keep getting married?

SVRT19674 · 21/04/2021 14:31

Hmmm the "getting along ok" comment was ominous. And being engaged isn´t about wearing a ring. If that is how he views commitment no wonder he is divorced twice...In this case, bullet dodged.

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