Hi All,
This may be a long post so I thank any one for taking the time to read and provide advise. I am in two minds 1. I am over the moon, I am 10 weeks pregnant but 2. over the last 5 years I have been experiencing severe emotional problems with my mother that have been relentless. To simplify I feel like my mother suffocates me to the point that she needs to know and be involved with EVERY aspect of my life, I believe this is not because she cares but rather so she can share news and gossip with her side of the family.
I am 30 and over the last ten years have been lucky enough to 'escape' my home town to live in other countries. I have always returned home for a while as I long for my sister. My recent move was a permanent relocation to the UK in August 2018 as I wanted to and needed to escape the behaviours of my mother.
I would say her behaviours have gotten worse over the years. When I was little I recall 'making up stories' that I knew she would like to hear because if I told her the truth she was never happy. I recall her reading my diary and sharing what I had wrote or even worse getting angry for what I had wrote. My room was often searched when I was at school, any personal letters I received in the mail would be opened and when I started working my first few jobs money would go missing from my hiding spots. At the time I accepted these things, I would also lend her large sums of money ($1,000 - quite a lot for a teenager to save) that I wouldn't get back in the form of cash, rather she would buy me a more expensive gift and when I would question where the money is at, I would be told that I am ungrateful for not wanting the more expensive gift i.e. laptop.
My parents had enough money but my mother always wanted better or more. I recently found out she would put payments on my dads work credit card and their marriage came to an end when my mother forged my dads signature on his retirement savings.
While a teenager my mother pushed me to be a 'show pony', things I liked to do, like going to surf club were discredited as it wasn't considered feminine. I was encouraged to have 'rich' boyfriends from an early age and fell into an abusive relationship at just 19 years old. I believe my mother new what was going on but would never provide advise to leave, rather that the fellow was from a good, well-to-do family. Several broken bones later I had the courage to leave and moved back home. I found the way I could bond with my mum was by telling her about the boys in my life, I would often give up guys I was interested in as my mother liked another and I wanted to impress her. Luckily ten years ago I met my loving fiancé, a man who has opened my eyes, shown me the world and has helped me develop into a confident women. When I first met my partner my mother immediately told me he was to good for me and prior to our first date told me I looked like a slut because of my attire. I remember spending hours in front of the mirror wanting to look beautiful and this remark crushed my soul and confidence levels. On the date I was a nervous wreck but somehow it managed to go well. My fiancé opened me up to travelling and we have lived in 3 different countries over the last ten years. This however hasn't stopped my mother behaviour - if not it has made things worse. When I first moved to the UK my mother who is a chronic smoker started drinking excessively, I tried my hardest to get her support and at one point my heart felt her pain. She later came to visit us in the UK and she was a drunken mess, carrying on like a toddler, drinking heavily, hiding the drinking and saying silly things. I ignored the problem as it was Christmas time and wanted to have a nice time but this was my first hit with real anxiety. I was angry with her for her behaviour and asked her to stop drinking only to be criticised and insulted. When she left the UK I was in tears not knowing what I could do to help. My sadness only made her happier as she informed the family of how I cried and longed for her company.
During my short returns to Australia, she would send me endless texts as to where I was and what I was doing and on one occasion emailed my partners mother to abuse her for no reason at all.
In 2014 we returned to Australia so I could finish my degree but I later fell ill with crohns disease. During my hospitalisation she was abusing me by texts and was trying to force me to drink a drink she thought would cure my crohns. She would not understand the pain I was in and the thought of ingesting anything really hurting my bowels. While in hospital both myself and partner receive several abusive texts and I had to get the hospital to block her number from calling the patient phone. She soon snapped to a loving mother and started giving me gifts but never apologising for what actually happened.
After getting my degree I reluctantly moved to the UK with my partner again but it was the best decision, my Crohns went into remission and I gained a confidence I didn't know existed. I scored my dream job and was excelling!
This was short lived as our contracts ended in 2018 and I wanted to return home (I don't know why). On the return home, we moved in with my mother and it was the most strange dynamic of my life. She would drink wine from a coca cola cup every day and try to convince me it was coca cola. She started belittiling my behaviour and needed to know where I was 24/7. We were going to purchase our first place in Australia to only be completely abused by my mother for the location not being good enough. I would receive texts while she was under the influence telling me I was a disappointment, that I was her least favourite daughter and what a disappointment I was in her life. However, she would only say this in a text and would never speak to me about it, saying we just need to move on with our lives when I would bring up my feelings. This soon led to me falling so ill with anxiety and PTSD, I had night terrors and wanted to kill myself. I couldn't see anyway out and I had a constant sound track in my head telling me to run.
And so I did, I left Australia again this time to relocate permanently to the UK. I wasn't speaking to my mum but decided to let her back in as I didn't want any ill feelings. My mother and grandma not long after came to visit and the anxiety came back, my mother would drink herself into a state of slumber. The move helped greatly but my heart was so confused, every time I would see her I would panic, I controlled what I would say and even noticed my crohns started returning.
She left, and I sent her a long email explaining my feelings. Only again to be shut down and told to not reminisce and move on with my life.
This time though, things have gone to far. At the end of last year my little sis found out she was pregnant. I had a miscarriage in August around the same time and it brought up a lot of emotions, regardless I was soo happy for my sister. My sister had a baby shower, but living on the other side of the world I could not attend. I sent her many gifts to not long after get abusive messages starting from my mother again. Telling me I was not supportive of my sister and I was trying to hurt her, unfortunantly I accidently once wrote in a message my sisters surname instead of her partners surname for the baby and my mother exploded at me. Saying how dare I refer to my sisters unborn child to be our surname (even though they are not married). It really confused me and again I expressed my side of the story that it was an accident writing our surname and not his, this caused my mother to call me every name under the sun. I ended up just blocking her as the anxiety is back again. I have asked her not to contact me, I have blocked her email, but am still receiving messages every day to my junk, she tries calling me from Australia every morning and I just feel so scared. I no longer want her in my life. I am now pregnant and feel like I want my distance for good. I miss home everyday, especially my sister - I would love to return but am honestly petrified of my mother. I am suffering night terrors and any advise would be greatly appreciated.