To end it or not

[Isittimetoend]

I have been with dp for 11 years, I have a ds14 and we have ds7 together. Ds14’s biological father has never been on the scene and they have no contact. Dp has raised ds as his own now for many years and ds calls him dad, 2 years ago I had to speak to dp as it seemed he had stopped trying to have any kind of relationship with ds, he would speak to him if spoken to but just put no effort into having a good bond. After talking he changed and since then we have spent alternate nights for an hour with each child and they do seem to have a better relationship although they don’t do anything else together just them. It is ds’s birthday tomorrow and I could be mistaken but dp has not yet had any conversation about what to get ds or asked what I have planned and I’m certain he hasn’t done a single thing for him.
I can’t decide if I am overthinking this or not, I know if I had spoken to him about it he would have probably just said he would give me £50 towards whatever he wanted (dp caps birthday spends to £100) but I didn’t purely to see what effort he would put in. I on the other hand spoke to ds about 6 weeks ago and asked if he wanted anything specific, he only wanted one thing but it was rather expensive, I have found and bought on a great deal what he wanted plus a few other little gifts. Dp does know I have bought the main gift as has been around when it’s been discussed.
Writing it out I feel like it sounds so childish but I am now completely questioning the relationship. The way I have thought about it either A. He is to lazy to bother and knows I will sort it so leaves me to it or B. Doesn’t give a shit so hasn’t bothered.
Bit of background and not sure if relevant but he didn’t get either of the kids anything for Easter, I had bought them both a couple of eggs and did ask him why he hadn’t got them anything and his response was because they didn’t ask me to which I feel as a parent is a shit response, surely you just automatically buy these things for your kids or at least speak to your partner to make sure it’s sorted.
Am I over thinking this or is something amiss

Why would your Dh get Easter eggs if you got some? Surely all gifts are joint? In our house, I'd be the main one to get the kids gifts for birthdays and Christmas as I have more time to shop than Dh. However I'd discuss it with Dh. Why is the gift Ds wanted not just from both of you? If he had been there when you and Ds discussed it surely he would assume the gift would be from him also.

I have a partner who I have been with for 9 years, he is not the father to either of my children and would not think to buy them anything from him or organise anything for them. He forgets his own kids birthdays (all adults), but knows that I will have done the question asking and then just say to him btw we need to go get what ever they have asked for. I sometimes buy my two a little few extras as his kids will get gifts from their mum. I don't think any less of him, its just not what he has ever done in the past and to be honest he just wouldn't think about it.

As for the Easter eggs I bought them all eggs and didn't give it a second thought, as to be honest i'm the one doing the shopping so it just makes sense.

If you feel really strongly about it maybe you need to have a conversation and let him know how this makes you feel.

Thank you for the replies, they are very much what I need as I honestly can’t figure out if I’m overthinking this. I think the reason it’s even in my head is that it all seems to fall to me. If I hadn’t bought Easter eggs they wouldn’t have gotten any from us as he just doesn’t bother but that might be because he knows I will. Same with birthday, he probably hasn’t done anything as he knows I will. We do not have shared finances, we split all bills 50/50 and he transfers what he owes me each month when he gets paid so maybe just presumes I will add the birthday cost on to that

I would say generally women do more of the organising.
The Easter egg? It makes sense for you to get them it would be odd if he got them when you already have.
I would remind him well in advance of the children's birthdays. He automatically thinks you will sort it which is what alot of people do. Just ask for some dosh.
I always organised and got the children's presents, I paid for them as my DH always paid for the summer holiday.

I presume you live together? So would have thought that gifts etc are jointly given. I don't know any couples that would buy separate gifts unless living apart. Would he buy your joint DS gifts from himself? Or are you trying to show that he treats 'your' DS differently 🤷🏼‍♀️

My Dad didn't discover he could buy presents until he had Grandchikdren, then he really got into it.

But my parents were happy with their division of 'jobs' and he'd happily pick things up (big presents) and assemble things & play with us etc. I think that was quite the norm at the though.

I personally don't understand parents who don't discuss what to get their children and each buy them separate presents.

As for him unilaterally capping presents at £100 he'd be told to get to fuck.

I don't think it's wrong actually to get him to take some responsibility for it so that it's not all you doing it.
You could ask him to get the cards or wrap the presents. I wish I'd got my now exDH to do more.

@herecomestreble I think that’s what I am trying to figure out, if it’s him treating ds differently or just me thinking he is because he has left it to me. Gifts are jointly given but what that seems to mean is I plan it all, buy them all and wrap them then say there from us both and then ask for some money towards them. It is younger ds’s birthday next month and what I’m wondering is if he would not say a word and leave me to sort it or if he would have more input when it’s ‘his’ son. I’m very unsure on the relationship right now but don’t know if I’m putting emphasis on things that really don’t matter

I also disagree with the set amount, I’m more in the camp of what do you want, if it’s in budget you can have it

Why don't you see what he does next month... Lol
What are you unsure of!?

I think my main worry is that he is treating eldest differently to youngest which I will not have. I appreciate that biologically he isn’t his but when we moved in together and then had another child it was on the basis that we were a family unit and in my book that does not include leaving everything to me for eldest and being all in with youngest. I guess I will watch and evaluate over the next few weeks 🤷🏻‍♀️

What happened last year around birthdays? I was married and all kids were both of ours and I still sorted the presents for everyone. That was just the way the roles were ....part of the reason we separated but I digress!

DH never thinks to buy DC (both his bio DC) presents, because I sort out presents. He would if I asked him to, but we both know that present buying falls into 'my camp'. Likewise he has jobs that I don't do because they fall into 'his camp', i.e. cutting the grass, emptying bins. I don't think he's being lazy or vindictive, he's just assumed you will sort the presents, or at least ask him to.

Thank you, I honestly didn’t know if I would get people saying he was clearly being unsupportive or if I would get people saying it’s normal for him to presume I would do it since I always do and I have got the latter all the way. That does put my mind at rest and I will try to relax and see how things go.
I do wonder that me looking for these things is a sign we are maybe not in a good place, there are things I wish he did that he doesn’t but I’m sure he would say the same if asked
Thank you

I agree - blokes can be presumptuous and
Leave it to the women to sort birthdays etc. my hubby is a great dad but it’s left to me to plan birthdays. However, in your case you have mentioned that he treats the eldest son differently so maybe this is why you are overthinking?

I would ask others if he treats Yr son differently. As you maybe biased.
If he leaves it to you for both of the children I'd say that's fairly normal. Well done though for looking out for Yr son.