Splitting child access

[TitaniumTess]

Hi, I finally got my ex to leave the house after about 6 months of it always being 'next week.'

Our 4 year old son stayed with me every night bar one for the last 1.5 weeks since he left. We're about to have 'the chat' around access.

Any tips? My ex has picked and picked for 4 years and taken me on a classic emotional abuse journey. It's a relief for him to go.

I want my son to see his Dad then he has both parents. However I don't want him flipping backwards and forwards. Even the thought of a conversation with his Dad is making me feel panicked. It's making me cry and I can't feel my feet again.

How do I stay calm and level? Meet in a public neutral place? Not agree to anything until I've had time to think about it? Parenting plan.

It seems so hard losing any part of my son when I didn't do anything but suffer for the last few years. His dad also quickly got tired of our son, often saying after an hour of having him that 'he's doing my head in.'

I was in this situation 5 years ago when I left XH, have a think about what you think would be fair also taking into consideration who DS main care giver is, take into consideration each others work schedules etc and realistically what you would be happy agreeing to long term before you meet to discuss. As I learned the hard way (well not quite as my family are an amazing support to me and love having my DC) you cannot count on him to actually have you DS when it is 'his time' and if he is anything like my XH if he finds out you have plans you can guarantee he will cancel contact at the last minute.

It does get easier, might not feel like it now but it really does. Once all the arrangements are hashed out and you can really start life just you and DS you wont look back.

Thank you @TheAgeOfAquarius. It feels so horrible now.

Getting his Dad out of the house was right as he was shouting nearly every day and was controlling.

It just seems so unfair to also lose part access to my own son, having not done anything wrong. I worry for him. X

I am not worried about looking after my son. I also have a strong support network. I am worried about not having him half of the week. I hope it doesn't get to that. X

What about one night during the week
And every other Saturday night?

I may get shot down for this but if your ex has left you to do the lions share of the parenting for the last 4 years why should you willingly offer 50/50? Do you think your DS will benefit from that if he is so used to you doing everything for him? That is a genuine question not me having a go.

Your ex is no longer a priority in your life any more, if he kicks off you can go back to your own home and close the door behind you. You do not need to live with his moods any more, it took me a while to realise this too. Your DS is your number 1 priority (that's a given) but you are now your second, how much contact would you be happy with your ex having? Your feelings are as valid as everyone else's